In Depth:  parenting

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

Our first child was born at about 6am. It had been a long night. I am clear that my wife had more reason to be tired than me. Giving us some early respite, our child slept through that first day. Parenting seemed easier than childbirth. It came to chucking out time, when I was being sent home for the night. I looked forward to a good night’s sleep. I was smart enough not to say that out loud. Just as my hand was on the door to leave, my wife asked a question that sent a thunderbolt through my body: “What do I do if she wakes up?”

That was the moment when I realised we were in big trouble. I knew that I had no idea what I was doing, but how could she not know? I had quietly assumed that I would be in my wife’s parenting wake. How could it be possible for us to have a child when neither of us knew what to do next?

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

A Christian grandad has just returned from a weekend with his "clan". His children are all Christians, married to great Christian spouses and he adores his grandkids. He knows he is blessed indeed. He wanted to have a quiet word with me: “It was chaos! I can’t see how modern parenting methods can work. The parents aren’t in charge.”

Church is a place where we can compare and discuss different generations’ styles of parenting. It might not be a common or simple conversation. Most of us would walk away from a conversation about our parenting style feeling awash with insecurity, judgement and fear! My friend, the Christian grandad, remembers being obeyed the first time he gave a command. Smacking was a part of his armoury, so were big bear hugs and family Bible times. In his day, it would have been normal for children to feel an element of fear when their father confronted them over their behaviour.

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

Pretty much every parent on the planet wants children who are kind, brave, and able to make wise decisions, so what more is there for Christian parents? Is our parenting only distinctive for placing church over Sunday sport?

In our everyday conversations in the kitchen or the car, remembering that we are a child of God gives us better ways to cope with the tears, the anger, the terrifying questions, and the predictably recurring issues.

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

I will always remember one particular moment as one of my children approached GCSEs. My child was in tears, screaming at me: ‘I am going to fail all of them.’ This was not the first time this had happened.

Previously, I had said things like ‘You won’t’ and ‘You can only do your best.’ No previous answer had improved the situation. The panic and the fear continued. This time, I decided that I had a better, Christian answer to give. ‘And that would be alright.’

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

I recently stayed with a Christian family. One child is still living at home, their other two are living independently. Their family’s story includes sibling anger, late diagnosis neurodiversity, multiple school moves, and a particularly painful season with one of their teenagers.

It also includes amazing family memories, others in need who have been brought into their home, their enduring trust in Christ, and supportive churches. These are experienced and godly parents!

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

I led a table at a seminar for parents on tackling screen time, organised by my local secondary school.

For the first discussion, each of the ten parents at my table told a story to illustrate why we were there. We heard about ruined holidays, sexting, repeated arguments ripping apart families, and young people who wander around their home fixed to their hand-held games console. There was a shared sense of despair. Perhaps my group wasn’t representative, but there were eight other tables. I do not see much difference in stories from church families. It is always one of the top questions we are asked in parenting seminars. I suspect in church we might just be less honest about the size of the problem.

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

For one of my children, there was a three-year period straddling primary and secondary school when bedtime often meant tears.

There were long conversations in which they begged not to go to school. While much of the time was spent clarifying the law on attendance, the problem was not legal, but all about friendship. The words that kept on putting a dagger through my heart were: ‘I have no friends.’ I learnt that naming children in the class like a desperate form of bingo did not help. Nor did organising playdates. Nor did conversations with the teacher, or other parents, or even those other children themselves.

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

Multiple surveys consistently find that about three-quarters of the UK church came to faith before they left secondary school.

This is consistent with the Bible story (Prov. 22:6, Ps.78:1-6). Given the disproportionate influence of those first two decades of life, it is vital that we understand the key effective steps in ensuring we hand our faith onto the next generation.

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

Jake is Sarah’s eldest child. I saw Sarah on the first Sunday after she dropped Jake off at university for his first term.

She said to me: ‘It’s pathetic. I want to get into the car and drive four hours to take him to church! When I left him, I had plastered his desk with Post-it notes telling him the address of his local good church. It’s so close to him. He needs to walk out of his door, turn right, go 300 yards and walk through that door. It couldn’t be easier. But it’s up to him now.’

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

In the middle of the bright lights and confused tourists in Piccadilly Circus is the statue of Eros. Except it isn’t.

Everyone thinks it’s Eros, but that’s because they’ve got the wrong brother. They look very similar. Even their mum probably got them mixed up. The statue is Anteros, the brother of Eros, the Greek god of love and sex. Anteros is the Greek god of selfless love. This matters. The statue of Anteros was paid for by the people of London to remember the life of the 7th Earl of Shaftesbury, who died in 1885. Please don’t give up on me. I know I have moved from obscure Greek mythology to obscure dead aristocracy, but I am going somewhere wonderful.

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

What is a wet dream? I was asked this by my 11-year-old son this week.

He was looking at the syllabus that had been sent home by his year six teacher. I was into my second sentence when he interrupted me: ‘Can I have the short version?’ I was encouraged by that. He has noticed that whenever we talk about issues around biology and sex, I give full answers and ask him questions. This is partly to compensate for the huge awkwardness I inevitably feel. I think I may have over-compensated!

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

It’s the common question. It’s a good question. As a parent, I want to know the answer. On occasion, I think I have asked my own children.

There are two ways to answer this question.

helping children find faith

Ed Drew

I write books of family Bible times and I want to inspire parents to raise their children knowing Christ, but my own family Bible times are rarely inspirational.

I have a photo (not shown here) of me leading our family Bible time. I am sat in the middle of the sofa with my Bible open. Two of my children are curled over the arms of the sofa, their backs to me. Only my youngest seems engaged, and that is because my arm is clamped round his waist so he can’t escape. I use this photo because it captures our normal. Here is what I have learnt, with my own family, through all the mistakes, frustration and confusion.