Richard Underwood is a retired pastor, who served as General Secretary and Pastoral Director of the Fellowship of Independent Evangelical Churches. Here, he speaks to John Woods, en Reviews Editor, following the publication of the latter’s new book Good, Bad, No Dad?
RU: What’s the first thing that comes into your mind when you hear the word “father”?
JDW: For me the word father still leaves a huge question mark. It reminds me that a significant part of who I am remains a mystery.
RU: For the benefit of those who haven’t read the book, how would you summarise what’s bad about “no dad”?
JDW: Having no dad leaves a deficit, a missing piece that never seems be found. Or a wound which heals but leaves a scar. It’s like having a computer with some essential wiring missing. When certain keys are pressed there is no response.
RU: When did you first become aware that being fatherless inevitably had a profound effect on you?
JDW: I was brought up in a house with a middle-aged grandmother and a teenage mother. In the 1960s this was an unusual arrangement. In our neighbourhood and at my school I stood out like a sore thumb. At that time, I assumed I was the only person who didn’t have a dad.
RU: How long has this book been in the writing?
JDW: I guess it has taken me 69 years, because that’s how long I have been living this story. Components of the book have emerged in preaching, writing and counselling over the years, but the actual task of writing has occupied the last four years.
RU: How do you integrate your own experience with the sovereignty of God? And how has your loss of a father shaped the way you relate to God as your Heavenly Father?
JDW: I remember friends of mine, who after the loss of their newborn baby wrote a letter that contained words by the Puritan, Richard Greenham: “Whatsoever is upon you is from the Lord, and whatsoever is from the Lord to you it is in mercy; and whatever comes in mercy ought not to be grievous to you… All shall be for your good, if you make use of all.”
It is important to remember that it is by grace we exist at all. When it appears that we have been dealt a tough hand in life we must humble ourselves under God’s mighty hand, recognising that even a severe mercy is mercy.
RU: What impact has researching and writing the book had on you?
JDW: It has forced me to take a step back and gain a perspective informed by Scripture and the experience of others who have known fatherlessness. Writing the book has reminded me of how much I have been given by my Heavenly Father and the people He has kindly dropped into my life. There have been some tears and a growing perspective on why I am the person I have become. This has included how some of my character flaws have partly been formed by my background and how God has put other fatherless people onto my radar.
RU: What surprised you about your research into the models of fatherhood the Holy Spirit has given us in the Bible?
JDW: It was a particular delight to see the rich images of fatherhood that are found in the Old Testament, particularly the book of Deuteronomy. It made me realise in a fresh way why Jesus, when His Sonship was being tested by the devil, went back to that book to affirm His commitment to the Father who was committed to Him.
RU: How do you think your experience has shaped your own roles – both as a father and as a pastor?
JDW: I would like to say that having an unknown absent father has made me more present and attentive. I am, however, sure that this has not always been the case. To my shame I remember far too many times when I was physically present at the family meal table but emotionally absent. When I moved to Lancing Tabernacle in 1997, I had a sense that I would be ministering to many fatherless people. That was the case, and people seem to appreciate that I was relating to their issues from the inside.
RU: What impacts you most deeply about the Lord Jesus’ relationship with His Heavenly Father?
JDW: The beautiful moment when Jesus, full of the Spirit, joyfully delights in the Father (Luke 10) is a unique moment of Trinitarian chemistry. It is hardly surprising that a short time after the disciples ask Him to teach them to pray. There is something really precious about the intimacy that Jesus has with the Father, and something truly mind-blowing about Him inviting us to use His own love language in prayer, by giving us permission to cry “Abba, Father”.
RU: In what ways is He able to identify with those of us who are fatherless?
JDW: After the narratives in the first two chapters of Matthew and Luke, there is complete silence concerning Joseph. It is fair to assume that he died, leaving Jesus and his brothers fatherless.
RU: To what extent has coming to know God as Father compensated for your lack of an earthly father?
JDW: Different people answer this question differently. For me coming to know God as my Heavenly Father opened some relational avenues in my life that had previously been cul-de-sacs. Calling a person “father” for the first time was a complete game changer. Yet nothing changes the fact that there’s no physical dad who’s there for me.
As Jonathan Edwards was dying at the age of 54 some of his final words to his children were these: “As to my children, you are now to be left fatherless, which I hope will be an inducement to you all to seek a father who will never fail you.”
I guess that my experience has led me to press further into the relationship with God, the only father I have ever known.
RU: Do you think we make enough in church of the Biblical doctrine of adoption?
JDW: Probably not. The passages in Romans 8 and Galatians 4 both seem to stress the chain of salvation experience that flows out of the work of Jesus for us. Paul seems to intend us to value every link in that chain: adoption is one. Talking to people who have been adopted helped me understand the gratitude they felt towards those who had no need to include them in their family but did so anyway. Father, Son and Spirit do not need us to complete their relationship, but have adopted us. No wonder Paul in Ephesians speaks of this as being “to the praise of his glorious grace”.
RU: I suspect our emotions change as we mature; what do you miss most about the absence of a father now?
JDW: Having a point of reference. Understanding parts of who I am. I see men of my age who have great relationships with their dads, and it underlines what I have lacked.
RU: You speak very warmly in the book about Stanley Griffin. Tell us a bit more about his influence on your teenage/young adult years.
JDW: Stan was in his early 40s when I first met him. He was a great role model as a church leader and preacher but also as a man. He had children who were around my age and was kind enough to involve me in many of their family meals and events. Being able to eat, laugh and play board games together helped me to see what normal family interaction looked like. I guess I was observing something of a blueprint of what a Christian man, husband and father looked like.
RU: How do you anticipate that the publication of this book may change the shape of your ministry in days to come?
JDW: There is huge pastoral and evangelistic potential here. Recent developments have indicated that this timeless issue is trending now. I am open to exploring ways to address this topic in formal and informal church settings.
RU: How best can those of us who had great dads support those who have no dads?
JDW: It is like being a blood donor. You will not miss the blood you donate but that blood will be a lifesaver. Some men have a surplus of love that they could share with others. The thing to be careful of is avoiding treating people like a project and not neglecting our own children in the process.
RU: What difference has becoming a father made to you?
JDW: When I became a dad, it was as if an emotional door was opened in my heart. Although I had not experienced what it was to be fathered, being a father to this little person who depended upon me, trusted me and loved me, helped me to construct some of the emotional circuitry that was missing in my life.
RU: You are gently critical of church’s failure to address issues like fatherlessness. How can church leaders do better?
JDW: Perhaps there is the need to be imaginative and sensitive. One of the things I remember from my childhood is being a “charity case”. Events and presents were arranged by local charities for children like me. The people involved were obviously kind but sometimes I felt weird and stigmatised. I never felt like that with Stan or other men at my first church. “Low-key, long-term and relational” – that sums up the approach that is needed.
The best work combines those three things. This helps to ensure that coming alongside people is not perfunctory, piecemeal or patronising. When a person has been let down by their own father, having father-figures take an interest in them is like a welcome shower of rain on thirsty land. Yet if the watering is sporadic and unreliable it can do more harm than good, as it triggers memories of being left high and dry in the first place.
RU: How do you sense that fatherlessness impacts men and women in different ways?
JDW: It is important not to generalise because people are different, but my observation is that fatherless men are looking for a hero and fatherless women are looking for a protector. I was particularly touched by two Latvian women who said that the things they’d missed out on was being cared for and being held.
John Woods is en’s Reviews’ Editor and the Training Director of the School of Preachers Trust. John latest book is Good, Bad, No Dad? A Biblical Reflection on the Father Deficit in Contemporary Society.
