It’s the common question. It’s a good question. As a parent, I want to know the answer. On occasion, I think I have asked my own children.
There are two ways to answer this question.
I can’t fix it
I remember sitting in a doctor’s waiting room hearing a Mum saying ‘Share!’ over and over again to her children, each time a little louder than before. After the eighth time, I wanted to shout, equally loudly: ‘Stop shouting “Share!” at your children’ (I didn’t).
If you shout ‘Share!’ at your children loudly and often enough, they probably will share. Eventually. Why? To stop you shouting at them. Have they learnt to share? No. Are they more likely to share next time? Yes, if you are in the room (because they don’t want to be shouted at). No, if you are not in the room (because sharing means they lose out).
At the moment, we have a new (lockdown) puppy. I have discovered that you have to train a puppy to do everything, even fetching balls! Children are quite like puppies. With a constant process of repetition and reward we can train a child to be broadly civilised. But we want more for our children than that.
We pray for our children to be followers of Jesus Christ. If we could train them out of sin completely, they wouldn’t have needed Jesus Christ to die for them, and we could write the ultimate parenting book! But we can’t.
I can do something
Jesus told a parable to explain exactly how your child’s behaviour can be improved.
No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognised by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn-bushes, or grapes from briers. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of (Luke 6:43-45).
Apple trees grow apples. Strawberry plants grow strawberries. If you want to get a strawberry from an apple tree you have to tape strawberries to an apple tree. You could then pick strawberries from an apple tree, but you would look ridiculous.
Jesus explained that, in the same way, expecting improved behaviour (‘good things’) from an unchanged, sinful (‘evil’) heart, is like expecting an apple tree to grow strawberries. To shout ‘Share!’ repeatedly at a child is like taping strawberries to an apple tree. You might get improved behaviour for a while, but you are choosing a method that is ridiculous.
Truly good behaviour comes from a heart that is being changed by a work of the Spirit. This is the story of every Christian. We are not the people we once were. The Spirit is doing a slow, steady work in all Christians, to make us more like Christ (Gal. 5:16-24). This is why the Bible repeatedly uses the illustration of fruit. Growth is often discouragingly slow, but it is real growth.
A parent is the world’s expert on their own child’s heart. They know their character, their common temptations, and how they usually respond to situations. They also love their child, so they are more likely to be patient with them, taking the time to explain things, to open the Bible with them, praying with them and for them. Speaking to the heart looks like an ordinary conversation, away from the heat of the behavioural crisis, asking good questions, with plenty of love and finishing with prayer because we all need the Lord’s help. For a toddler it lasts less than a minute. For a teenager it might last weeks (with breaks for food and sleep!). For all of us, it takes a lifetime. But the Lord is patient and he is even more passionate than we are to see our children’s hearts changed (and ours, too).
I am indebted to the work of Paul Tripp for his ‘fruit-nailing’ illustration!
