The Imperfect Parent’s household is going through a season of endings and of new beginnings, involving a fair amount of reminiscing, of celebration and of anticipation. And while there’s much thankfulness to God for too many mercies to count, there’s also regret at where we’ve failed.
Rare is the seasoned parent who does not look back over months and years without regret – usually with a touch of self-flagellation. As I ponder the last couple of decades, there are too many ‘if onlys’ to count. If only I’d not cared so much about what others thought of my parenting skills and more of what the Lord wanted of me.
If only I hadn’t envied the parent who home schooled; if only I could have home schooled instead of sending my children to state school. But then, it took years to dawn on me that I did home school – I just sent my children to school for some of their learning. And that was the Lord’s plan for us.
If only I hadn’t silently condemned the home-schooled child to a life without social skills and an inability to navigate the world of which they are part. Mostly, I was wrong.
If only I had let my babies co-sleep with us more and worried less, because we would have got more sleep. And sleep is, as we all know, The Most Important Thing In Life when you have a baby.
If only I’d been more patient with this child; disciplined that child differently. If only I’d grasped the reality that when I became a parent first time around, I had never done it before and had to learn (and quickly). If only I’d been kinder to myself.
If only we had enjoyed more peaceful family Bible-reading times as the children grew up; if only we knew how to stop little ones fidgeting or annoying a sibling while the Scripture was read. If only I hadn’t felt so guilty when we missed family worship because something prevented it that day.
If only I’d hadn’t tried so hard to entertain the kids throughout school holidays when they were quite capable of learning to do this for themselves. If only I’d let them be bored more often – they wouldn’t have remained bored for long.
If only I had held out on giving my kids a smartphone until they reached 16. Or 15. (Or never). The dangers of them cannot be underestimated. (And, dear parent, if you don’t check their phone every day – please start now).
If only I hadn’t tried to be a PERFECT parent. If only I could stop trying to be my mum, who I am not, but who seemed to be perfect in so many ways. I increasingly hear her voice when I speak to my children, so perhaps I’m getting something right!
If only I could wind the clock back and do the parenting thing all over again, I’d be the perfect parent, wouldn’t I? No, I wouldn’t; there is no perfect way to parent in this world. Dear parent, Christian or otherwise, don’t deceive yourself that there is a perfect way and that you’re doing it.
Yes, Scripture provides a blueprint for how we are to raise our children but it does not prescribe the precise details of how. Doesn’t this show how compassionate the Lord is? He knows each parent, and each child, as an individual. Biblical principles for parenting are to be applied subjectively, gently and holistically, not legalistically.
Yet the principles are clear nonetheless: we’re to bring up our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord; to train them up in the right way; to discipline and correct them. And there are particular challenges to us as parents: we are to be a good example and we are to avoid provoking our children to anger.
Consider Him, our perfect heavenly Father, who has demonstrated true sacrificial love towards us. With Him, there are no ‘if onlys’.
