It’s not often a conversation with my children stops me in my tracks, but this one still troubles me for reasons I’m not sure I can fully articulate. But I’ll try.
I was at the dinner table with my two youngest, an unopened Amazon package sitting on the sideboard. The chat went like this:
Younger child: ‘Whose Amazon parcel is that, mum?’
Me: ‘Mine!’
‘What is it?’
‘A Kindle – I’ve wanted one for years.’
‘Did you ask dad’s permission?’
‘No, did I need to?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
[silence]
Older teen interjects: ‘Mum doesn’t have to, she earns her own money!’
Me: ‘If I had told you it was dad’s Kindle, would you have asked if he’d got my permission to buy one?’
Younger child: ‘No.’
Me: ‘Why not?’
[Question hangs in the air, unanswered… ]
As it happens – we do actually discuss things! My husband knew I was planning to buy a Kindle once I’d found a bargain (I love it, by the way, and can highly recommend it if you’re a reader…).
But had he said: ‘Look, we can’t really afford it right now’ – I’d have waited, even though I contribute to the household finances. I love and respect him; we’re a partnership (in the complementarian tradition). Though I, in our particular circumstances, did not feel obliged to ask his permission (or even to mention it to him) – we’re friends, spouses, partners. We talk. And he has the final say if we disagree on something of importance.
So why did this discourse trouble me? Several reasons.
My son has imbibed, at an early age, the impression that his mum should have dad’s permission to buy something, but the reverse did not apply. The implication was that I did not have personal autonomy to make such a decision in my own right – because I’m female (even though I happen to earn money).
Had we inadvertently brought him up over the last decade in an insidiously patriarchal environment, in which men rule women at home; and she has little freedom in decision-making?
Then there was the fact that my son couldn’t explain why he thought I needed my husband’s permission to buy a Kindle – but his dad would not need mine.
I learnt two key things here:
First, we have to be very mindful what theology and patterns of behaviour we unintentionally teach our children – both in the home and in church; by our words and our behaviour. As I pondered this conversation I cast my mind back over the years. In the few conservative evangelical churches where we’ve worshipped over the years, women have not always been ‘allowed’ to flourish and use their gifts in Christian service; sermons have undoubtedly placed men as superior to women in many respects.
Second, do our children know not just what we believe but why? Just as we believe Jesus is the son of God and IS God, we believe women are equal in personhood and in value but have different roles – but do they know why? Have we explained and shown them what the Bible says to support those beliefs?
If not, when challenged, they will have a problem. Like my son did.
Recently, I recounted that mealtime conversation with a dear Christian friend – and she responded with an anecdote of her own. Some years ago, the family – which included a pre-teen daughter – left a fairly large Baptist church to attend a small free evangelical church.
After a couple of weeks at the new church, the daughter commented: ‘They don’t like ladies at our old church, do they’. My friend, caught off guard, asked her what made her say such a thing.
The little girl said: ‘Because here, women stand at the door and welcome people in. At our old church, only men could be at the door. The only thing women did was serve tea.’
