What can we learn from death doulas?

There is increasing interest as to what death doulas (who are also called end-of-life doulas, soul midwives, death coaches, dying guides, death midwives, and palliative care doulas) do. For example, there's this article on the BBC website; Nicole Kidman and Ruby Wax are reportedly undergoing training for this role, whilst Davina McCall has announced that she is planning to do so when she retires from her television activities.

Like birth doulas, who support mothers during pregnancy, childbirth and early parenthood, death doulas support people at the end of life. They help the dying person and their family in the final months and may be present at death, assist with funeral arrangements, and sometimes simply offer company.

They understand the dying process and can explain changes such as breathing and body temperature, which families may find distressing. Many people picture death like accidents on television dramas but will in fact die after a long terminal illness, so the physical changes will happen more gradually. Death doulas will explain that the dying person is not in pain.

Families may benefit from outside help in these situations, even with the death doula undertaking tasks like shopping, so they can spend precious time with the dying person.

Death doulas may also promote community engagement by discussing death at death cafes and workshops. Many come from healthcare, social care, or education and may already have experience of death.

Filling the gap

Erica Borgstrom, professor of medical anthropology at the Open University, says death doulas fill an important gap because healthcare systems and informal carers are often overstretched.

They support people who might otherwise miss out because of service gaps, strict referral criteria, or limited social support.

Challenging the church

Reading about death doulas may prompt the question, “Isn’t this what the church should be doing?” Sadly, local churches often do not support families in a loved one’s final months.

From a personal perspective, my local church was brilliant in its response when my wife Deborah was looking forward to meeting her Lord. (I hope they do not mind me blowing their trumpet!)

They sat with Deborah, praying with her, chatting with her, and reading to her (with the occasional fruit cake). They enabled me to go out walking with a friend once a week and to go shopping, thereby giving me that sense of normality in the season of the long farewell.

It is in moments like these that we realise the truth that “for Christians, it is not a design flaw that we become dependent on others. Human beings are designed to be dependent on others, to be limited and vulnerable.” ^[1] It is an opportunity for us to obey Paul's words: “Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share” (1 Timothy 6v18).

Christians should also learn about the physical process of death through books, articles, and online resources. Most deaths now happen out of sight – in hospitals, care homes, and hospices – and so many of us lack this knowledge, but that should not stop us from gaining it. It will help us face these situations in our own lives and support others in theirs.

Death doulas do valuable work supporting dying people and their loved ones. But their work challenges us to better love and support those in our churches going through these experiences, sharing that being with Jesus is wonderful for the dying Christian and for those dear to them.

1. John Wyatt, The Final Lap – Navigating the transitions of later life, p. 31, italics original.