Suicide: Let's talk about it

Please note: This article references suicide.

Donna is a lively young support worker, and Andy was one of her clients. Intelligent, talented and looking forward to starting a career in the Royal Navy, Andy had become homeless and needed help to get back on his feet. They met for coffee, visited Andy’s bank and got some new accommodation sorted out.

Andy seemed a bit low, but his parting words were reassuring: “Donna, I don’t want you to worry about me doing anything daft." A couple of days later she phoned me – Andy had taken his own life within hours of that last meeting. Donna was devastated.

The provisional figures for the UK in 2025 show that 5,728 deaths were suspected to be suicides. Think about that number and what it might mean. How many parents, partners, friends, pastors, care workers and colleagues might be affected? The impact of suicide is massive.

'I should have seen the signs'

Most likely, there is guilt. “I’ve tortured myself with Andy’s final words to me,” Donna said later. “And I’ve mulled over the ‘what ifs’ for hours, days, weeks and months. Why didn’t I spot the signs?”

In the course of my own ministry, I have known six people who have taken their own lives. Only two of those showed any sign that they were suicidal. Nobody suspected that the other four might be in any danger. We can reassure people that, more often than not, there were no signs to see.

Where there are warning signs, they are usually subtle. People with depression may be at risk and a sudden “recovery” or putting their affairs in order may indicate suicidal thoughts. An important red light is a loss of hope. This might come over as, “My family would be better off without me,” or, “I just want it all to end.” Where we sense this, we should gently ask about suicidal thoughts and, where these are present, get professional help.

Pastoral support

If the first problem is guilt, the second is often a feeling of isolation. Such is the ignorance and fear surrounding suicide, we just don’t know what to say so we avoid that person or just keep quiet. A pastorally active Christian should seek to overcome this: get in touch, spend time with the bereaved, let them talk about anything they want.

You may not feel that you can meet with a person needing support so send a card, message or text them. If in doubt, reach out.

A third problem

Here’s a third problem. There will be some who might judge the one who has died. I was walking in the Scottish Borders recently in some very remote hills. In the middle of nowhere I came across a grave; it was a lady who had taken her own life, and been refused burial in the churchyard. So her family carried her up into the hills, where her body lies alone.

In Pilgrim's Progress Christian contemplates suicide in the dungeon of Giant Despair, and Hopeful discourages him with the thought that, as it is self-murder, Christian will be straight to hell. I don't believe that the Bible teaches this. Why? Firstly, because there is no clear direct statement of that in Scripture specifically in relation to suicide. Second, though murder is sinful, to interpret every suicide as being equally culpable is wrong: where is the tenderness and compassion in that? Thirdly, even though most of the suicides in the Bible are clearly morally reprehensible, they are not condemned.

So I think we should refrain from condemning suicide as sinful when the Bible itself does not make this as explicit as many have thought. This does not mean it is a good thing – of course! – and nor is it relevant to arguments about assisted suicide, which are about a sober, considered decision to kill, rather than about a spur-of-the-moment irrational action as suicide almost always is.

Research tells us that most people who take their own life do not really want to die, they just want the pain to end. Given the distorted thought-world of such an individual, which of us has the right to cast the first stone?

Donna put it like this: “That person has dealt with their problems as they saw fit, but they have no idea of the torture, pain and devastation that they have left behind.” She struggled with anxiety for three years following Andy’s suicide. “For those of us who are left behind, things can seem so bleak and hopeless, but as time goes on guilt and the ‘what-ifs’ begin to fade," Donna says.

Churches need to be prepared to support people facing all kinds of psychological challenges. Biblical Counselling UK provides some excellent general courses. More specific insight will be found from specialist organisations such as:

• Support After Suicide – supportaftersuicide.org.uk
• Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide – uksobs.com

More help and support

If you have been affected by issues raised in this article, the following resources can provide help and support:

• Text SHOUT to 85258 for a 24/7 text support service "for anyone struggling to cope, experiencing anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, or feeling overwhelmed", connecting you with a trained volunteer for "immediate, anonymous help". Shout's website: giveusashout.org
• Contact a Samaritan by calling 116 123, or by visiting Samaritans' website: www.samaritans.org. Its website says: "Get in Touch About Anything That’s Troubling You No Matter How Big or Small the Issue Is. We Support Anyone Who Needs Help. Whatever You're Going Through, Talk to Us Now."
• MIND mental health charity: www.mind.org.uk
• The NHS's Mental Health page, to find more information and support: www.nhs.uk/mental-health/