Facing our fears
As single Christians, we have a different journey through life to the expected social script of the church: to get married in your twenties, have two to three children and be a family unit in the church all your days.
So not to get married (by choice or not meeting the right person), or to go through a divorce (usually as the innocent party), or to be widowed, doesn’t fit the stereotypical pattern. This makes us different and can make us feel marginalised or excluded from the mainstream norm of married families in the church. This can raise our fears and anxieties related to being judged, to our sense of belonging, even to our willingness to date in the church.
Recognising our fears
We need to recognise our fears. It is not right to suppress our feelings nor give full vent to them but rather pray them out to God and tell a trusted confidante. Often Christians go through years of praying, hoping, trusting and obeying in the dark, when not understanding what God is up to. As Pastor Tim Keller says, ‘obedience is hard, disobedience is impossible’. Turning your back on God’s plan and running away leads to disaster. There is only God’s protection as you move forward in his plan, no matter what that involves or where that takes you, even if you are up against a wall with no options that you can see ahead. ‘But you are a shield around me, O Lord’ (Psalm 3.3a).
Focusing on God’s glory
We have the tendency to focus on our own glory and not on Christ. Things that may be good, but that we value too highly, can become our idols. If our idols related to our own identity, security and significance are threatened, then we become fearful and anxious. These may be: our physical appearance, romantic love, having a perfect family, the status of marriage, a good reputation, success from a career, having the approval of others and being accepted. Often single Christians have more of these challenges, due to no fault on their part, than those whose lives have followed the usual course of life in the church and society. Single Christians feel misunderstood when married Christians don’t understand their struggles as it is not their experience. We need to take this to God and refocus on his glory. ‘You bestow glory on me and lift up my head’ (Psalm 3.3b). We need only to have God’s approval and find our identity, security and significance in him. We need to let God lift up our head rather than our own pride. We need to take our glory away from things that are temporary and will pass away.
Christ our substitute
God said: ‘I am your shield and your very great reward (glory)’ (Genesis 15:1). We are loved completely and valued by God no matter what has happened to us nor what we have done. God blesses us in Christ, who has paid the price for us; he is proud of us, loves us and values us. To the degree that this is our glory, it will make us impervious to our fear and anxiety. This will bring us inner peace.
Perfect love drives out fear
Love is self-giving and fear is self-centred. We need to focus on others in love to truly get over our fear. Christ went through his fear to the cross and to the grave and was resurrected. Even in our fear, there is resurrection on the other side of anything that we are brought into with God. He will heal you as you go through your fears, and he will heal you of your fears.
Jacqui Wright is an independent speech and language therapist and chair of Bedford Christian Singles friendship and fellowship group.
