Dear Sir,
When I was in my early twenties, I was brought under the sound of the gospel by a Christian friend and ‘prayed the prayer’ of acceptance and commitment to Christ. When nothing much happened, I was told to trust faith and not my own feelings. When I understood the gospel better, I realised that this had been a false conversion, because I was continuing in sin and had no personal knowledge of Christ – let alone a heartfelt love for Him. I must therefore have acted emotionally, partly to please my friend, and without understanding the nature of, or counting the cost of, true discipleship.
As I grew older and increased in knowledge of the faith, I believed all that the Scriptures taught and read little but Christian literature. However, my besetting sins (mainly selfishness, pride and lust) show that I have led an increasingly double life. Outwardly seen as a strong believer (I took up leadership positions in the church) but secretly still treading the broad path of disobedience in the world, while Satan dulled my senses to the truth.
Looking back, I realise that the Lord was still reaching out to me. In the workplace, various positions were removed and promotions denied to me. In contrast, several situations threatening exposure, danger or even death were (miraculously, I now believe) defused. Again, I was slow to recognise the significance of these interventions.
From time to time, I made efforts to repent and reform and in my 70s I spent half a day in attempted recommitment, but the joy of true belief has not come to me nor the love of Christ which is the mark of all the true children of God. Temptations have begun to [fade] now that I am old and close to death, but though I often approach the Lord ‘carefully with tears’, I realise that His patience is exhausted and that, as with Esau, I have made shipwreck with my soul.
I am writing this letter because it is the only positive move spiritually that I can still make, and to warn others against refusing to obey God and to remind them that without holiness no-one will ever see Him.
Yours,
EDITOR’S REPLY
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your very heartfelt letter, which you asked to be published in en. I’m sure that your poign-ant words will serve as a solemn warning to many of our readers who may sadly conclude (in the future) that they too have wasted so many years in sin, double-mindedness, and great apathy towards Christ.
Certainly, as sons and daughters of God, we may bring our Heavenly Father deep exaspera-tion or wonderful joy, just as we do with our earthly fathers. Yet, I want you to know that if you are His child, adopted into His family through a humble repentance and a simple trust in His truly righteous son, that you may know that God’s love for you can never be removed.
You may doubt God’s delight for you in light of sins past and present. Your love for Him may ebb and flow like the tide. But if you believe that His Son died for your sin and so paid the penalty in full, then your forgiveness is complete. And so may you know that God does not merely endure you as some unwanted stepchild, but that He loves you because of Christ.
In the words of the apostle Paul, ‘When the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir’ (Gal. 4:4-7).
Or in the words of the Puritan minister, Richard Sibbes: ‘God knows we have nothing of ourselves, therefore in the covenant of grace He requires no more than He gives, but gives what He requires, and accepts what He gives… What is the gospel itself but a merciful moderation, in which Christ’s obedience is esteemed ours, and our sins laid upon Him, wherein God, from being a judge, becomes our Father, pardoning our sins and accepting our obedience, though feeble and blemished?’
Your brother in Christ,
