Out of our depth?

When caring for others, it’s important to know when we are out of our depth. In most lines of work, there will be limits to a person’s competence. On a day-to-day basis, I am happy finding my way around my laptop. But that doesn’t make me competent to open the Windows Registry and start making changes. (Actually, I wasn’t even sure I meant the Windows Registry. I had to ask someone if that illustration worked!)

So, what about pastoral care? In our efforts to support someone, might we might find our way into the pastoral equivalent of their Windows Registry and not even know it? Is that a real danger and, if so, how do we avoid it?

On the other hand, perhaps these are exaggerated concerns. What if it’s our fear of doing harm that is the real danger because it causes us to pull back when we should be moving toward? Are there people in our churches who are feeling more isolated and less helped because others are unnecessarily fearful of a pastoral misstep?

No simple answers

There are no simple answers to these questions. We might like to have lists that identify the “problems a church can help with” and the “problems to leave well alone”, but such lists don’t exist. It just isn’t that simple. There are so many variables. Different people have different levels of skill and experience. Different churches have different resources available, both in their church community and in their wider community. In one context help may be readily available, in another there may be an exceptionally long waiting list. All these factors, and more, have a bearing on deciding what involvement is wise.

Perhaps the first thing to say is that no matter how complicated a person’s struggle may be, a church should always be involved. We may know nothing about chemotherapy regimes for acute leukaemia, but we will still want to visit and pray with and care for someone facing such a thing. It’s not different with serious mental illness. We can always move toward others to express our love and friendship and offer to pray.

Secondly, because we don’t know what we don’t know, we should have a low threshold for involving a person’s doctor. If there is any reason to suspect a physical issue could be contributing to an emotional struggle, a visit to the GP will be wise.

Widening the circle

In working out whether we are getting out of our depth it helps to involve others. We will always want to respect people’s privacy and get any necessary permissions, but God puts us in our churches for good reasons. Talking a situation through with wise brothers and sisters often helps get our thinking clear. Those conversations may also help us to see that, even though we may be getting out of our depth, others in our church have skills to offer that we don’t and that it would be wise to extend the circle of people involved (again being attentive to privacy).

Growing experience

But even if we do involve others, we should still stay involved. No one wants to feel they have been “handed on” or that they are somehow too problematic to cope with. Even when others with more experience come alongside, we should still stay involved.

Not least because that is when we can learn and grow. Seeing how others manage a situation can teach us things we didn’t know. It will help increase the depth at which we feel comfortable offering care. Next time, it may take just a little longer for us to feel out of our depth.

And that’s what we want. For our churches to be places where the depth of our care, the depth of our love, and the wisdom we bring to people’s struggles is getting steadily greater. Through training, through lived experience, through time spent in the care of others, we can all deepen our wisdom in pastoral care. We can all learn to be better disciples and wiser friends.