There comes a time in many a pastoral relationship when words of challenge need to be spoken.
Whether that’s confronting someone with their obvious sin (an affair); rebuking someone for a wayward attitude (pride) or drawing attention to the fact they’re not believing a truth about God (singleness can’t really be a gift, can it?), being able to challenge well is important if people are to grow and persevere in the Christian life.
What right do we have?
Such conversations are far from easy. We can all be reluctant to engage. Sometimes we believe our culture’s mantra that we have no right to tell others they are wrong. Sometimes we are simply scared of the reaction we may receive or wonder: who are we to show others their sin?
However, to have Jesus as Lord, to love people wholeheartedly, will, at times, involve challenging those around. As Paul reminds Timothy, leadership includes the call to: ‘Preach the word … reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long-suffering and doctrine’ (2 Timothy 4.2). So how do we do that well?
Prayer and humility
The first step is prayer. It’s hard to speak words of challenge – it’s hard to hear them too – so it’s important to ask for God’s help to voice our concerns well and plead with God to give the other person a soft heart.
The second should be a check on our own hearts. Are we acting in anger? Or speaking hastily? Are we marred by hypocrisy (maybe others see that even if we don’t)? Maybe we’re viewing the other individual as a project to be fixed rather than a precious person to be nurtured? If any of those things are true, humble repentance is our most pressing call. The people who tend to be best at issuing challenges are usually the ones who are able to receive difficult words themselves.
The discussion is almost always best held face to face. Body language and facial expressions matter, especially when there is a risk of causing offence. Finding a quiet spot, away from distractions, indicates a desire to give each other the attention the matter deserves.
The person we’re speaking with isn’t just a sinner – they’re a saint and sufferer too. Starting by celebrating the good in their life and speaking biblical words of comfort into the tough situations they are facing is a helpful way to frame the harder things to come. Indeed, helping people to aspire to something better and addressing their pain may have a profound impact on the sinful behaviour itself.
Nathan’s way
When it comes to the confrontation we have much to learn from the prophet Nathan. He didn’t directly accuse, he used story and questions to help David see his own sin (2 Samuel 12). Using hypothetical case studies, asking people how they think a specific area of their life is going, can help them reflect well. Using personal testimony can illuminate situations – ‘I’ve struggled for many years with X … I’m wondering if my story resonates with you?’ Showing why something is sinful – from Scripture, not just sharing our own (fallible) opinions – is essential too.
But we won’t want to spend too long on the sin itself. Our role is not to engender guilt, but to share words of grace and change. We can retell the prodigal son story, encouraging people to return to the loving Father who is running towards them with arms open wide. We can remind people of their Colossians 3 calling to live wholeheartedly for Christ, leaving the ways of the world behind. We can help them fix their eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of their faith, and remind them that kingdom work calls for a Philippians 2 kind of sacrifice – something that’s always worth it in the light of the eternal beauty of Revelation 21.
It’s good to check in with them the next day to see how they’re doing. Hopefully they’ll be worshipping the Lord. But if not, keep on praying and plan to meet again. There may come a time for church discipline, but that is not likely to be straight away. We can wait for the Lord to do his work … he is able in ways we can never be.
