Leader, how strong is your emotional immune system?

Who is the first person you always look for in a group photo? The answer, perhaps predictably, is yourself. But the more profound question is: Why do we always scramble to find out what we look like as if it were a secret that had been hidden from us all our lives?

The simple answer is that we do not know ourselves, and what we don't know, we don't entirely trust.

So, here are two questions leaders should ask themselves in order to adapt to the current challenges of church responsibility...

How strong is your emotional immune system?

Leaders devote a large proportion of their headspace to imagining and anticipating the future, and so a significant proportion of a leader’s worry is focused upon what might or might not happen. The ability to step into the world of imagination safely, and without being eaten alive by the roaming monsters of paranoia and "catastrophisation", is further inhibited by the anxious imaginary futures of those around you.

What’s unique for church leadership is that many people believe that your decision-making, intervention, or sheer presence will save them (and the church) from their imagined worst-case scenario.

For example, the person who sees new government legislation as part of the slippery slope towards the end of the church sees you as the hero or villain who must either call the troops to arms, or side with the enemy and bring down Christendom.

Similarly, the person who is worried that their role in church, and therefore sense of belonging, is being slowly but surely eroded by organisational changes, sees you as either the hero who stands up for compassion for the hurting and vulnerable, or the villain who has sold their soul to the corporate church machine.

In so many cases in our communities, a perceived future crisis automatically casts you as the key figure at the crossroads on which a person's hope rests heavily.

Of course, that level of expectation both explicitly and implicitly expressed exerts phenomenal pressure on any individual leader.

To use a biological metaphor, a healthy cell can quickly become invaded by aggressive viruses, which in turn leads the healthy cell to lose its own integrity and become part of the larger virus that spreads infection to the rest of the body. This is often seen in a group or congregation when the anxiety and worry belonging to a particular faction or individual becomes the default view of the leader, who then uses their position to become the official mouthpiece of whatever nightmare narrative has taken grip.

The only hope for leaders, when surrounded by such aggressive group anxiety, is to resist unreasonable expectations by increasing the strength of their emotional immune system. Part of the key to this is to ruthlessly remind oneself that Ephesians 1v22 is true:
"And God placed all things under his [Jesus Christ's] feet and appointed Him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."

This passage is like vitamin C to our emotional immune system, for it means that Jesus Christ is the hero of the church and He alone is responsible for leading her through the storms of future uncertainty.

Therefore, any leadership authority for the benefit of the church, delegated to us, recognises that our imperfections, our errors and our mistakes, will not undermine His ultimate goal in seeing the church – His body – loved, restored and renewed in the ultimate reckoning.

This is the desperately needed immunity boost for church leaders, for it gives us a unique freedom to look at uncertainty and not catastrophise the future; and what’s more, we can, with confidence, repel any false assertion that the rise or fall of our church or organisation rests solely upon our shoulders.

This very practically means that we can listen to others without feeling obligated to agree with them or action their desires. Crucially, it removes the weaponising of the opinions of others without having to avoid them – just as one would remove the scissors from a flailing child without having to put them up for adoption.

I like the definition of a strong emotional immune system by pastor and writer Rich Villodas: “Distinction without disconnection, in times of disagreement and distress.” What he means is that leaders can remain distinct in their own thinking and clarity on an issue without withdrawing from a relationship with someone who has strong contrary opinions. And they can do this in a context of high emotional tension and stress.

Now, before you berate yourself for falling short of this definition, it is more useful to consider who in your life has modelled a healthy emotional immunity.

Who are you disappointing so that you remain healthy?

This second question flows from the first. For when we can listen to the pain or overwhelming worry of others without automatically adopting the saviour position, we are able to use the God-given gifts of life wisdom, leadership experience and self-knowledge to spend our finite time and energy doing what we believe to be best .

Too many leaders spend the majority of their time in the “urgent not important” categories of tasks, when we know that we should be investing our energy on tasks that are “important but not urgent.” This category makes the best use of our time, experience and expertise, and it is these tasks and projects that will have the biggest impact in moving our church towards greater health.

The reason we spend so much energy stuck in the “urgent not important” category is because the anxious agendas of others interrupt and infect our physical space and thinking time when our emotional immune system is low.

Fatigued bodies are more likely to catch a cold – therefore, when we are exhausted, we rarely have the energy to resist the desire to people-please or indulge our own fragile egos.

So what test can we take to determine the strength of our emotional immune system?

Simply ask yourself this question: Who have you intentionally said no to recently?

This is a mark of a healthy emotional immune system, because it repels the attempts of another to invade your space, time and energy. No doubt it would have been emotionally uncomfortable to say no, because someone would have been disappointed with you.

If you always flex to the demands, requests and expectations of others, you are demonstrating an unhealthy immunocompromised leadership, which is a certain trajectory of organisational stagnation and personal burnout.

Evasive manoeuvres

This issue is particularly important because lack of self-knowledge in a leadership context becomes a dangerous blind spot. Those blind spots can quietly unravel years of faithful ministry and hard work.

Successive Barna Group [a Christian polling firm] surveys note that significant numbers of pastors are seriously considering leaving ministry. In the UK, it has been a well-documented struggle to attract people into ministry.

On both sides of the Atlantic, the figures for those shuffling towards the exit are even higher amongst those 40 years and younger.

Now, the problem is complex, but what is clear is that facing the challenges of ministry alone, surrounded by your own blind spots, is like swimming in a shark-infested ocean whilst those in your community throw raw meat into the water around you – we don’t stand a chance of coming away intact.

It’s not that we need people to tell us what to do, but we do need an external, trusted voice that can ask us the right questions at the right time.

Look at Jesus’ group-shaped ministry and His deployment of disciples in pairs (Mark 6v7, Luke 10v1) or Paul’s model of ministry partnerships. It is baked into the DNA of leadership and discipleship that we are to walk closely with others who share our encouragements and burdens. I am deeply heartened by the current rise in organisations offering intentional support for church leaders at every level. I lead Gospel Coaching UK, but the work of Living Leadership is outstanding, and Reach Ministries UK is launching its own mentoring programme – and no doubt there are a whole host of others available to help.

For the sake of our ongoing leadership health, we need people to ask us the questions that no one else will.

It used to be the case that pursuing leadership health was a solo activity; today it’s a team sport – the stakes are so high, it can be no other way.