How to support a church friend facing disability

Last month, I wrote about supporting through the onset of disability; I wanted to continue that theme for a while.

This month, I want to look at some things that might not be understood – or might be misunderstood – after someone has been diagnosed with a chronic illness, or has had a late autism or ADHD diagnosis.

Diagnosis

For women, a diagnosis can be a long time coming due to medical gaslighting and the assumption of being anxious, hyper-fixated on symptoms and… needing to lose weight, even if they are not overweight. (Plus, if someone is overweight, this is no excuse for overlooking symptoms.)

Due to the level of this, which is well documented in many medical research papers, there are many women who have medical post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Where does this fit into the life of the church?

Well, medical gaslighting can happen not just in chronic illness and other medical diagnoses, it can also happen if a person is neurodivergent.

It is also well documented that at GP level, women who have realised, for many reasons, that they may have ADHD or autism – or even both – have been gaslit and ridiculed for suggesting it. (ADHD and autism in women present differently to men, and many GPs have not had adequate training in this.) Many are forced into spending money they do not have, to see a private specialist.

So, by the time someone in your church says they have been diagnosed with something, they might also have medical PTSD.

Outworkings

This, and the outworking of a chronic illness, can be seen in many ways. For example, someone who has been active on many rotas may ask to be taken off them; their attendance at church on a Sunday and mid-week activities may be more erratic for a while – depending on the person and the diagnosis.

PTSD does not disappear once there is a diagnosis. If and when the pressure and stress are released, the symptoms of PTSD do not disappear, they often get worse.

There is also a huge fear of the medical world because the gaslighting does not stop when you have a diagnosis, and this will overflow into who they confide in – and how. They should never be forced into telling you what condition they have, they may prefer to say they now know what is wrong and what it may mean for them.

For those with a chronic illness diagnosis, an array of aids may appear just because many of these diagnoses can be fluctuating – so they may use a walking stick one day, and a wheelchair on another and a snazzy rollator on another. This is usually due to the advice of a physiotherapist or someone else with the same condition.

It takes a while to learn what to use. Plus, they often feel guilty and "not disabled enough" to use them, so try to "push through".

They may be able to help with something one week, but not the next, and may have to cancel at the last minute; this is just one reason why they may opt to come off rotas.

So, if they have been very active in the church pre-diagnosis, this may be because they were masking symptoms for fear of the same gaslighting they got elsewhere. For those with an ADHD or autism diagnosis, again this can be masking too – and neurodivergent women are masters of masking. Due to this masking they may be in "neurodivergent burnout" and the diagnosis gives permission to step back and recover.

What to do

What can you do?

• Be understanding and do not question the fluctuating nature of their disability.
• Understand that changing moods, and what you may perceive to be personality changes, can be normal, and can depend on the day they are having; this can be due to severe pain, severe fatigue, burnout or PTSD.
• Offer support, but abide by the answer – never force support. The person knows what their body can do, and helping in the wrong way can cause damage.
• Listen, without advice to do with their diagnosis; advise spiritually with wisdom and sensitivity – and not with out-of-context Bible verses.
• Give the adjustments they need to participate in your services.
• Keep your livestream going for those who may need it.

A note on language:

I have used "they" a lot in this column – just for brevity, but it sometimes feels like a word that dehumanises and in this context reduces people to a diagnosis.

For those who have a chronic illness or neurodivergence, I am "they" and write with experience.

For those who are fellow Christians with no disability, "they" refers to many of your friends in church. Those friends need you.