The invisible pain within our churches

There are many chronic and fluctuating illnesses that give a lot of pain, and from what I see in the roles I do, there are many people in our churches who have such illnesses.

For many, this is invisible and what it’s like to live with chronic pain is largely misunderstood.

So, to make it more visible and to help those who pastor or support friends, I thought I would write about what it means to live with it.

Living with chronic pain

It is said that a person living with constant pain can do a task when anyone else in that sort of pain would be rolling around on the floor screaming. They will also sometimes consider the pain they are in, especially if there are small changes, and think about possibly going to their GP…and then decide not to; they have pain that has sent other people to Accident and Emergency.

You will also find that they adjust their 1–10 pain score regularly. What you may consider to be a pain score of nine would be four or five for someone who lives with chronic pain. These pain scales are used across the medical world, but I find them useful as a code for friends. I often advise people with pain conditions to adopt this sort of code for those around them and tell them what it means. It’s really helpful for people to understand how pain affects their friend.

For me (bearing in mind I’m never below a four and rarely at four); five means "in pain but bumbling along", seven means "no hugs", nine means "struggling to concentrate on work" and 12 (yes I know it’s over 10) means "I may consider seeing a doctor, but then again, I might not!"

Pain comes in many forms:

• Grumbling pain that just keeps going – like toothache
• Buzzing pain – a low electrical buzz through your whole body
• Lightning pain – shooting through a part of your body, white hot and making you gasp (or more!)
• Throbbing pain
• Spasms
• And pain that feels like someone has stuck a blunt needle into your skin

For some people, the pain is like a pinball moving around their body – one minute it’s in their leg, then their back and onto an arm – or any number of places and combinations.

There are even more forms of pain too and sometimes you can play pain bingo with the types of pain and where it goes – and win every day.

Having explained all this, let me also explain that it is possible for someone who lives with constant pain to be able to be at eight out of ten on the pain scale and still be able to smile and laugh with friends. It’s also possible to just go out and do stuff, because we have no other choice.

Don't dismiss your friend's pain

I’ve heard so many people tell me that their pain is often dismissed by not only medical people, but also their church friends. This is because when you don’t often experience this level of pain, it’s hard to understand that people learn to live with it. We learn to mask the appearance of pain, to not talk about it and to just carry on.

There’s no big spiritual answer to this. But pastorally, or as a friend, think of the following:

• If you want to pray for someone you know has chronic pain – ask them how they would like you to pray.
• Understand and believe them, without pity.
• Ask how you can support them and how you could make church more comfortable.
• Also, get to know them well enough to know when you can give comfort or a greeting with touch. If you don’t know them well enough, then don’t touch – as it might hurt. There are other ways to show your welcome and care such as smiling, chatting or grabbing a cuppa for them.