During every trial that I've gone through, I have tangibly experienced the presence of the Lord, but none more so than in the last three years.
To lose one close family member is hard, but three? In quick succession? A tougher person than me might ask "Why, Lord?" and buckle or lose faith under the weight of such devastation.
My circumstances have changed irrevocably but God has not – He is still the same, almighty, all-knowing, sovereign and good. I have changed in character, but His character is still the same – kind, loving, generous, merciful, comforting.
'I am Your God'
So much heartbreak was packed into three consecutive years for me and my children – we lost my dad in January 2023, my mum in August 2024 and then my beloved husband Colin in March 2025. They were all believers and our comfort is that they are with the Lord and will be reunited with me in our Father's glorious Kingdom one day.
Yet this doesn't remove the sadness still felt at their loss.
So how did I cope in the face of this? The week after my husband Colin was transferred back to Southampton General Hospital ten days after his heart attack in Jersey on 20 January, I wrote a song, I Am Your God, the chorus of which sits embossed in gold lettering in a frame on my piano.
The song's chorus is effectively the Lord speaking, telling us not to be afraid or frightened because He will protect us, He will hold us and keep us safe. Those words spoke so much comfort to me in the midst of intense grief.
The verses of the song talk about drowning in despair, being squeezed, feeling like there was no way out of or end to the trial. Yet then it acknowledges that Jesus was beside me in the rocky boat, walking beside me in the flames, both powerful illustrations of how I felt in the face of tragedy.
The last verse of the song asserts that the trial will end, we will see the purpose and stand on the Rock of His grace and share in His triumph.
To be able to write the song, and confidently assert that there would be an end to the trial, it would have a purpose and that the Lord would overrule for His glory and my good, so early in the situation, is a marker, not just of how real my faith is, but of how real and certain and comforting our God really is and has been, throughout my 50 years of life.
Depending on the Lord
It was only after going quite literally through the "shadow of death" that I began to see the purpose in what I'd gone through, that light could be seen at the end of the tunnel. I can assert with great confidence that my dependence on God grew in abundance, a skill that has been learned and honed since coming to faith when I was 15 years old.
The Lord makes it very clear that trials are His means of testing our faith and that we can be thankful for them. The apostle James is His mouthpiece. In chapter 1v3: "Count it all joy/consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." And v12: "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."
And then Peter says in his first epistle (1v6-7): "These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed."
I have grown so much in understanding of the Word over this last year since Colin's death, and have grown and been strengthened in faith and trust in the Lord. It is only after passing through the other side of the trial that I can begin to see the purpose of what I have gone through – it is for His glory and my good (Romans 8v28), and it is so that I can share my experiences with others for their blessing and encouragement.
My song
Dear fellow believers, when you go through your trials, and it is certain that you will, I would encourage you to lay hold of God in prayer, to never let Him go, to hold onto Him. He will hold us in His "Loving Arms" and "Wings of Grace".
He said "Through the tough stuff I'll be there"
And I had my doubts it was true.
What happened hurt me to the depths of despair
Only saw dark clouds when it was blue
The darkness seemed brighter than sun in the day
The swell of deep water took me as its prey.
I thought I was drowning but then saw the shore
The man walking on water that I'd seen before
He said "DON'T BE AFRAID. DO NOT BE FRIGHTENED, DON'T BE DISMAYED.
FOR I AM YOUR GOD, YOUR SAVIOUR, YOUR FRIEND,
AND I WILL PROTECT YOU RIGHT TO THE END.
IN MY LOVING ARMS YOU WILL BE SAFE FROM HARM
CLING TO ME NOW IN THE WINGS OF MY GRACE
IN YOUR SAFE PLACE, FOR I AM YOUR GOD"
He said "When the fire is hottest
A fourth man will stand in the flame"
The tempter's voice might shout the loudest
But the small voice will whisper its name.
He said "for My trial shall bless you
Your faith is more precious than gold
Though your life may really distress you
Hold me and I'll never let go."
He said "DON'T BE AFRAID," etc.
The darkness then melted to feel the sun's heat
The water retreated till sand touched my feet
On the Rock of His grace I can stand once again
And say through this trial He triumphed and reigns
He said "DON'T BE AFRAID," etc.
He is still good. Do you believe that?
How do you learn to trust again when your trust has been broken, time and time again?How do you …