When church planting puts a marriage to the test

There’s no doubt that church planting is personally costly.

Both the organised events and organic needs can be costly: whether it’s the ongoing reality of evening meetings and early mornings, the weighty mental ‘to-do lists’, or the growing number of pastoral burdens or stress and uncertainty about the future and the viability of the project. Will we have enough money? Somewhere to meet? Enough people? What will this thing look like in 12 months-time?

These things will put a strain not simply on the planter but, if they have one, on their family too. Their spouse and their children will not be immune.

Marriage itself is hard, let alone ministry marriage or maybe even worse still planting ministry marriages! In the study on why church plants struggle, one voice (among many) stuck with me:

'This plant has been immensely hard on our marriage from the inside [...] I'd say my wife and I are weary of the difficulties that planting has brought out, which weren't brought out through all my other years of pastoring.'

The burden on spouses

Spouses can bear a huge burden. They are often taken for granted and perhaps even feeling like they’re competing with or losing out to a new woman in the life of their partner: the church. They can feel neglected. And, worse case scenario, while everyone else can walk away from the plant if it all goes wrong, the pastor and their family have invested so much – personally, practically and professionally. They might feel trapped but then guilty about feeling trapped.

Perhaps they’ve moved area and bought a house and settled the kids into a new school, perhaps walked away from other ministry jobs or opportunities or taken a pay-cut. Perhaps they’re so personally invested that to walk away - well, that would be very, very costly indeed; almost impossible.

Giving support to ministry marriages

How can we better support ministry marriages – let alone planting ministry marriages? The answer is to be intentional.

From day zero consider the planter’s family as a whole; proactively provide regular check-ins and support to make sure they are thriving and having enough time together. Do they have enough capacity or money to have fun as a family? Perhaps networks and like-minded churches can be providing community with spouses in similar situations for mutual support and encouragement?

Practically, churches can provide respite care; whether babysitters to help with regular time-together in the short-term, or space and funding in the longer-term for sabbaticals and time away together on retreat.

Ultimately, church planting must be a team effort where the planter’s family is not left carrying the weight alone.