Few people seek help to address their fantasy life.
It’s a personal indulgence, simple to conceal. We pretend there could be no upside to airing our thoughts in public and, as a result, become blind to the reality that the fruits of our inner inventions are rarely good.
It’s worth being clear what we mean by fantasy here. Not just a dream (‘one day I want to ski’) nor a mild musing (‘I wonder what it’s like to have kids who do as they’re told’), not even imagination (where we know what we’re constructing can never come true), a fantasy is an internal rewrite of reality which creates something we long for more than the life God has given.
Out-of-control idols
For some, it’s a convenient place – fantasies revolve around having our loved-ones or colleagues comply. Rather than being refined by the sin of others, we imagine harmony based on getting our own way. For others, it’s an erotic place of sexual scenarios that satisfy our lusts and set aside our call to be pure. For a few, it’s a dark place where abusive scenarios are rehearsed – a setting where vengeance or victim mentality can be practised each and every night. For all, our fantasies are the place where our unresolved hurts and out-of-control idols find vent. It’s the place where we feed and water the desires that encourage us away from the Lord and the good purposes that he has sovereignly put in our lives.
Is it really that bad? Ask anyone who’s been caught in ‘external’ sin. Few individuals have had an affair without weeks of fantasy paving the way. Few students cheat in their exams without first fantasising about the prestige of being the best. Fits of anger or jealousy frequently have their roots in the people around us not measuring up to the pseudo-reality we’ve invented inside. But it’s not just sin that flows from our fantasy world: loneliness abounds as individuals convince themselves that relationships in the real world will never measure up to what their inner-world provides. Fantasies are snares, they nudge us towards pain. No wonder Jesus puts lust and adultery, anger and murder, on a level playing field (Matthew 5.21-30).
Exit strategy
So how can we help each other to escape these dangerous climes?
The first step is to ask. In friendships, of the same gender, where trust has been built up, let’s be bold enough to ask what we’ve been fantasising about this week. The conversation may be stilted on day one but, when humbly approached, accountability and freedom soon begin to flow.
Secondly, we can look together at the dangers of our fantasy world. Do we expect to be pleased by others rather than longing to serve? Maybe we’re withdrawing from community because of guilt and shame. Maybe we’re using others as objects of pleasure without their consent.
Thirdly, talk over what the fantasies reveal. Is there a deep sense of injustice or pain beneath? Maybe a desire for power, comfort or experience has spiralled out of control? Whatever the root, bring that to the Lord in repentance and faith (Psalm 51) – remembering God’s nature (Colossians 1) and revelling in his words of restoration and hope (Romans 8). After all, he already knows (Psalm 139).
As Ephesians 4 reminds us, having our minds transformed is part of what it means to change (v.22-24). We can pray for the Lord to work and bring about new priorities in our hearts. We can plead for more thankful hearts – seeing the gospel opportunity in the circumstances we have (even if they are hard). We can ask for God’s help to pursue purity in every aspect of our lives. We can pray that we might evermore see our identity in Christ, not in what has happened in the past (Ephesians 1) and actively seek to discipline ourselves to dwell on whatever is pure (Philippians 4.8).
And, from the pulpit and in the coffee shop alike, we can remind each other afresh of the call that God has set before all who follow him: to ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind’ (Luke 10.27).
