Grief – it’s a pain that few escape.
Whether it’s the loss of a parent, child, spouse, friend or job, at some stage we will know its grasp.
It comes in many forms – it can appear as shock (‘I can’t believe they’ve gone’), manifest as anger (‘this just isn’t fair’), dwell deeply in despair (‘how can I go on?’), tainted by guilt (‘I should have done more’) – each moment soaked through in tears. It hurts because we know it isn’t supposed to be this way. It is only the presence of sin that makes such loss inevitable this side of Jesus’s return (Genesis 3).
Healthy grieving
Often we hear that the key to helping someone is to encourage them to progress round different stages, but the reality is that healthy grieving has far more to do with a Saviour.
When Lazarus died (John 11), Jesus was tender with his sisters. Firstly, he went to visit (v.20). Secondly, he listened to their pain (v.21–22). Thirdly, he provided hope that was centred on himself (v.26) and, fourthly, he encouraged them to speak out words of truth (v.27). But he did none of these in a clinical way: fifthly, he wept alongside them too (v.35). While there are aspects of that narrative that can’t be transferred to every situation, those five elements provide us with a framework to support those who struggle today.
How we can support
When grief hits a friend we can be a physical presence. We won’t want to overburden people and stay for hours – we might, as a church, want to co-ordinate so we don’t all visit at once – but visit we should, either to sit quietly and prayerfully or to offer some practical assistance. Few people respond to ‘call me if you need anything’, far better to say ‘I’m free Thursday morning, how can I help?’ or simply turn up (fully prepared to go away again if it is not a convenient time). It’s worth remembering that practical help may be needed for many years – it doesn’t get easier for an elderly widow to reach the supermarket as months go on.
We too can listen attentively to pain. The early stages of grief (be that weeks or many months) aren’t the time to enter into theological debates, but they are times when we can show love by hearing how things really are – and how things used to be. We can be willing especially to listen to some of the less obvious aspects of grief – the loss of a sexual relationship, not having anyone with whom to go on holiday, are topics that need to be heard. Listening well isn’t a passive exercise, it’s a process that provides plenty of fodder for prayer, practical support and praise.
Of course, there are words to be spoken as well – words of comfort, love, assurance and hope. The bereaved, like us, grow as they are encouraged to move towards Jesus, confident in his character and his work on the cross. We can use the Psalms as a reminder that God is our refuge (Psalm 46), Good Shepherd (Psalm 23) and deliverer (Psalm 18). We can be grateful that the deceased is in Jesus’s arms or, at least, confident that God has treated them justly. It’s a time to remember Jesus’s generous sovereignty and grace. And it’s a time to focus afresh on the new creation – that time ahead where there’s no more death or pain (Revelation 21).
Articulating the character of Jesus
But maybe more than hearing truths, grief is a time to encourage people to speak truths. The words of others can wash over us, the words we speak hold firmer sway. We can, lovingly, help people to say ‘I trust you – help me trust you more, Lord’. We can encourage them to articulate the character and the faithfulness of the one who is holding them in his hands. We can help them treasure the joy of knowing Jesus as the ‘resurrection and the life’ (v.25) even on dark days.
Faithful not stoical
All this while allowing the emotions to flow – Christians are not called to be stoical but to be faithful. Families mourn together – for months, maybe years – and in doing so, God is glorified and lives changed to be more like Christ.
