Mark Johnston reflects on the perplexing ways in which God’s providence sometimes takes us
Our family has just come through the most perplexing year of our life.
It’s been a year that has taken us to our limits in all kinds of ways – not least in terms of trying to make sense of God’s dealings with us. And now that it’s over we’re grateful to God that we’re still standing. Even as it was just beginning (and indeed in all that led up to it) close friends were saying ‘You couldn’t have scripted this if you’d tried!’. Several people have suggested at different points along the way that we write about our experiences, but for various reasons we declined. The only reason that we do so now is partly because that dark chapter in our lives is over, but, more importantly, because sharing a little of what we’ve faced may help other Christians out there who are also trying to fathom the mysteries of God’s providence in their lives.
Beginning in 2009
In order to appreciate what made this past year the struggle it has been for us, there needs to be a little background as to what led up to it. As far back as 2009 we were quite happily settled in a pastorate in South London and had been there for some 15 years. We were not actively seeking a move elsewhere, but had been contacted by a Presbyterian church in Philadelphia about the possibility of taking up the pastorate there. Our initial reaction was one of hesitation, for various reasons. The main one being the need to find out if it was possible to get our adult disabled daughter Lindsay into the US as a permanent resident. And, if we could, whether or not there was suitable Special Needs provision for her particular disabilities. The conversations with the church in question lasted some nine months, during which time the answers to our enquiries regarding our daughter came back positive. The church even hired a specialist immigration attorney to ensure that we navigated the whole process properly.
Huge encouragements
In the summer of 2010 we said our fond farewells to our congregation in London and began a whole new life in the US. The work in our new congregation was a fresh and very different challenge, but one that was to prove hugely encouraging in all kinds of ways. Indeed, the encouragements in the work were multiplying to such an extent that, early in our third year, my senior Associate suggested we set aside two full days to plan for the next five years.
Bombshell
But then the bombshell came for us and for the church. The immigration lawyer who was handling the process of securing permanent residence for our daughter called me to say her most recent application had been rejected (with no reason given) and she effectively had five months to leave the country.
I had no alternative but to inform my elders, tender my resignation and begin preparations for our return to the UK. Despite the church’s sadness at our need to leave under such circumstances, they could not have done more to help us through the whole process of repatriation. Together we tried to make sense of why God was allowing what had been a very happy and fruitful relationship to come to an end, but the comment that kept cropping up was that God’s purpose in it all was ‘inscrutable’. However, the fact that several churches back in Northern Ireland (our original homeland) were expressing an interest in my taking up ministry there seemed to provide some mitigation.
Returning to closed doors
We duly returned to Northern Ireland in late 2013 waiting to see which, if any, door might open for us. But as the months went by, none did and that only served to perplex us even further. By early spring it became clear that the possibility of a call to a church in Ireland had all but evaporated; but what was anything but clear was where an alternative might be found.
It was at that point that a whole series of issues seemed to come crashing in around us. We had been warned prior to our return to the UK to ‘prepare to become non-persons in our home country’. At first we brushed this off, but very quickly discovered it was all too true. Because we had been out of the UK for more than three years we were ‘out of the system’. Simple things like getting car and home insurance meant starting all over again. Our UK driving licences were frozen. We faced the prospect of a six-month wait before we could even begin the process of getting our daughter back into the benefit system and securing a placement for her disability.
What was God saying?
Through it all we wrestled with the question: ‘What on earth is God trying to teach us?’. In the early months, it was relatively easy to remain optimistic, believing that he had closed the American door in order to open one in Ireland. But, as the months dragged on and door after door seemed to close, that optimism began to give way to a deeper struggle of faith. In fact, in some of our darker moments the early evening quiz show, ‘Pointless’, began to sound like a very apt description of what we were going through.
At the lowest point in it all, we had to contend with the kind of stress-related health issues that often coincide with what doctors benignly call ‘life-changing events’. But it was in that darkest stage of our journey that the first glimmers of light began to reappear on our horizon. A church in Wales got in touch with us and began a cautious conversation that would lead to an eventual call to Cardiff and our moving to a new sphere of service at the start of September.
Hard, dark lessons
So, what have we learned through this whole experience? There have been some very hard and dark lessons. We discovered first hand something of the darkness God’s servants speak of in the Bible. We tasted aspects of life – like unemployment, depression, feeling beaten by the system – into which we had ministered in the lives of others, but were now discovering for ourselves. We felt the crushing effect of setback after setback as our hopes were systematically dismantled. We discovered that even for Christians there are situations in life for which there are no easy answers and when the lights are all but extinguished.
Ironically, however, those dark experiences have had their own peculiar benefit. Having been there for ourselves it has profoundly altered the way we now relate to those who are going through similar experiences.
Touched by love
More than that, we have been deeply touched in a very personal way by the love, prayers and practical support of our own families, the wider Christian family on both sides of the Atlantic and, through them, by God himself as he has carried us through. It has been quite extraordinary and humbling to be upheld by so many – some we have never even met.
All kinds of unanswered questions still remain; but God is under no obligation to answer them. The one question never answered in the book of Job is ‘Why?’. But we are told enough about the God of Job to know we can trust him, come what may.
It is, however, our greatest comfort to know we have in Jesus ‘a great High Priest who has been touched with the feeling of our infirmities’, ‘has been tested in every way as we are, yet was without sin’ and know he not only sympathises with us, but extends mercy for our faithlessness and grace which corresponds precisely to our need (Hebrews 4.14-16). Even though there were moments in these past months when we felt taken to the brink, he never let us go over the edge. He has carried us through and we are persuaded he will carry us all the way home!
