Linda Allcock tells us about the London Ministry Wives’ Conference
When my first child was born he never seemed to sleep. I was so panicked — and felt even worse after talking to the health visitor about it. He was sick after eating. Babies aren’t like this in the books! They are clean and shiny looking. They drink from a bottle beautifully without waging war…
Then I started to get out. I met other mums and realised that my baby was normal.
So it can be for a wife in ministry. The assumption that other pastors are happy all the time. Other pastors never get discouraged. Sermon prep. happens in an ordered, disciplined fashion, rather than late night on a Saturday. In the books you read, people are becoming Christians, churches are growing and church members get involved without waging war. Then I started to go to the London Ministry Wives’ Conference and I realised that my situation was normal.
Meeting with other ministry wives is something that never would have happened for me if I hadn’t started going to the conference, aged 26. It has been a vital lifeline for me.
Learning from older women. I remember one speaker early on, married to a visionary leader who suffered periods of dark depression. What do you do? She said that she would drive him out of the door to do some sport. My husband suffers times of terrible discouragement in the small church which he pastors. I have found the advice of this godly older woman so helpful. I wasn’t expecting to suffer myself, but with the arrival of our third child came another little gift, post-natal depression. I confess that dragging myself to the Ministry Wives’ Conference was hard. I felt such a failure as a wife and Christian during those five years. But always I was encouraged through hearing the Bible taught by women. Their insights are so different and really resonated with my highly charged emotional state.
Meeting women facing similar pressures. I recall advice from a different speaker: that godliness is not about perfection, but honesty. What a relief to my ears. But during times of depression, how could I be honest? Who in my church could I tell that some Sundays I didn’t want to go? I couldn’t face all those well-meaning people. I couldn’t say ‘I’m fine’. I remember one Sunday arriving at church, diving straight into the toilets so no-one would see my tears, then hiding in crèche until it was over.
At the Ministry Wives’ Conference I met two other pastor’s wives suffering with depression. I became close to one of them, who put my depression into perspective, as she was suffering far worse than me. The other one accepted the depression as part of who she was. I realised my situation was, well, not ‘normal’, but I wasn’t the only one. It was OK.
Meeting regularly with local ministry wives. There are some parts of life which you can’t be honest about with people in your church: it wouldn’t be appropriate. But knowing other ministry wives locally can make all the difference. The conference committee makes every effort to encourage local networking in this way. I now meet regularly with two other ministry wives in my area. That has significantly helped us get through the tough times.
The aim of the Ministry Wives’ Conference is to encourage each woman to be transformed by a personal relationship with Christ. A husband’s faith, or a whirlwind of activities, is no substitute. The conference is the last Saturday in January each year. It usually includes two or three sessions of Bible teaching from an older woman in ministry, and times of fellowship over lunch and refreshments (all provided). When the conference started, in 2006, there were just 35 of us and it was exclusively for ministers’ wives, mainly though not exclusively from FIEC churches. Since then it has more than doubled in size and has been opened up to welcome anyone with a husband in full-time Christian ministry or ministry training.
We’ve covered topics ranging from ‘how to support a visionary leader’ to ‘being a practical and positive pastor’s wife’, to issues like grace, godliness, enjoying God. Our speakers have included Dot Bygroves, Ann Benton, Sian Baker and Lizzy Smallwood. This year we will be looking at marriage. In it together: uniting heart, mind and purpose with God and our husbands. It is great to meet with other women, to know that we are not alone in what we are facing. But as Christians, and as married women, we were never alone in the first place. Do we know and experience that intimacy, or has it long gone?
