Tender mercy: a grief observed

NEAR TO THE BROKEN HEARTED:
The Comfort of Jesus in the Grief of
Losing a Child
By Dan & Anna Martin with
Chris Mouring
Good Book Company. 155 pages. £9.99
ISBN 978 1 784 988 555

The surprise of an unexpected twin pregnancy which would have doubled the number of their children, was followed just a few weeks later by shock and deep concern for Dan and Anna Martin.

One of their twin boys had an incurable condition which would either mean that life would not be viable, or would not be long. Their journey of living with pain and grief began.

How do you respond when someone congratulates you on your evident pregnancy with the expectation that all must be well? They explain the struggles of their hearts, as well as giving really practical advice for responding to the sometimes well-meaning, sometimes thoughtless, reactions of others. How do you deal with such pain before the Lord? How do you cope with the conflicting emotions of being delivered of both a healthy son, and a very sick child?

Baby Jed lived for just 24 precious days before dying peacefully in the arms of his parents. As the Martins express it, such grief is something you can’t get round, but must work through. They share many practical suggestions: for making good memories, working through grief together, handling communication, accepting help, and surviving the demands of daily life.

However, their main focus is on knowing that our heavenly Father walks alongside us even through the darkest valleys. He understands the awfulness of death. The Martins share how they have continued to trust Him by continually looking to Him in their pain and loss. They don’t shy away from the tough questions of unanswered prayer, or the eternal destiny of a lost child, bringing help and comfort in both.

Chris Mouring also contributes a chapter reflecting on the sudden loss of his 20-year-old son. Describing death as ‘a terrible consuming monster’, his testimony is that whilst being permanently tattooed with grief, God, in His love, can repurpose it and bring hope again.

The Martins came to value the gift of Biblical lament, where grief can be changed from despair and hopelessness into trust and hope. They faced up to the challenge of putting their theology into action, recognising that it doesn’t come naturally to ‘count it all joy’. Deliberately choosing to abide in Christ, knowing that only He can fully understand the depth of our pain, is the only way to keep going. They have learnt that for those who have lost a child, the journey is awful and tear-filled, but it is possible, alongside tears of grief, to also weep tears of hope and joy knowing that one day death and bereavement will be no more. It is also possible to weep tears of gratitude for a Saviour’s tender care – though this takes deliberate daily intent, and determined trust.

There is much to learn both for those who have experienced the loss of a child, as well as for those seeking to give pastoral support.