Have children’s exam grades become our god?

I will always remember one particular moment as one of my children approached GCSEs. My child was in tears, screaming at me: ‘I am going to fail all of them.’ This was not the first time this had happened.

Previously, I had said things like ‘You won’t’ and ‘You can only do your best.’ No previous answer had improved the situation. The panic and the fear continued. This time, I decided that I had a better, Christian answer to give. ‘And that would be alright.’

I had their attention. This was new. The tears stopped in wonder. How could failing every subject be alright?

‘Even if you failed every single subject, nothing of significance would change. We would not love you any less. God would not value you any less. Nothing else really matters. That is what we believe. That is the truth.’

Our children in the UK are amongst the most examined in the world. SATS in primary school, GCSEs, A-levels and Scottish Highers in secondary schools. Perhaps you can add entrance exams or the 11+. If your child chooses to become a doctor, it seems their exams continue until they are middle-aged! Tests and exams become the milestones and rites of passage in our families. We are always aware of when the next examination is due for our child.

It might be that some of us need to pause for a moment and consider the place education occupies in our hearts. Do you believe that your child’s educational achievements will be key in determining how their life will progress? Do you sacrifice other opportunities or commitments to ensure that their education is optimised? Do you feel ashamed (or feel panic) if they experience a season of educational failure? Let me gently say that if you agree with those questions, then educational grades have become your god. You are not alone. Please know that in many cultures in the UK, this is the air we breathe. It would take deep convictions and courage to worship at a different altar.

We hold that God determines the progress of our children’s lives. We sacrifice other opportunities and commitments to ensure that our children see Jesus Christ as Lord. But before we construct a checklist of our family’s behaviours, it is vital that our children (and we) understand that Christianity is primarily about identity before it is about beliefs, morality or habits.

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him (1 John 3:1).

To be trusting in Jesus is to be a child of God. To read that as a parent is to immediately make the connections. As we look at our child, we know the lengths we will go to in order to keep them safe, how often we tell them of our love for them, and how we hold them tight in those moments of fear, telling them that we will do all we can to not let any harm come to them.

How would you feel if your child thought your love and care was dependent on their school grades? If your child is also a child of God, then it is who they are. It is who they will be. It is a firm foundation for their lives. That is what a firm sense of identity does. God’s love is deeper and more reliable than yours. The reason their grades do not reflect this is that the world does not know God.

Shortly after my memorable moment with my child, I was sitting with my uncle. I told him all about it. He said to me with gentle sadness: ‘I could never have said that to my children.’ He could not say that it would be alright if they had failed all their exams. He didn’t believe that. He is not a Christian. He knows his identity is different to mine. I am a child of God. And that is what I am! I want that for my children.