My earliest memory is of when I was three years old.

I was in a world that was a terrifying place, with noises so loud I had to hold my ears to face them. Going into shops is easy for most people, but for me it was one of the worst torments you could have on this earth. The pop music was so loud it was torture.I hated clothes. I only wore loose jogging trousers and T-shirts, but even they felt like I was wearing painfully unbearable armour. The labels felt like needles and the badges on T-shirts felt like thistles sticking into me.

Frightening people

In social situations the general noise was too loud. Conversation was confusing to me. What people looked like had a frightening effect. I would be afraid of people if they wore glasses. I would focus on someone’s ‘long nose’ or ‘big forehead’; everything was exaggerated. I would find it spooky when people looked at me. People’s eyes would look like they were staring at me in an evil way, as if they were some kind of ghost.

Ordinary features would become overstated and make people appear creepy. Any background noise would be like a mighty wind. I found all of these things ten times more spine-chilling than going to the dentist to get a filling – not that I’ve ever had that experience, but I think you get the idea.

My own language

To add to all of this, I spoke in my own language most of the time. I thought I was speaking like everybody else, but no-one seemed to know what I was saying.

Because I was frustrated that no-one could understand me, I would shout ‘Want my head off!’ and scratch myself and pull my own hair. I was confused by the bloodcurdling world around me to which everybody else seemed to belong, but which I couldn’t understand. In some ways I still feel like I don’t belong to this world. Everyone else seems to be able to understand each other and read other people’s body language. I can’t do that. I had a lot of extreme behaviour and I was diagnosed with autism when I was four years of age.

Christian parents

I was taught about God, but to me he was a frightening idea. I knew God was in church, so I decided that the pastor was God. When I saw the elder, I decided he must be Jesus, because he had a beard. It was a creepy thought: God walking down the aisle, giving communion and preaching! My problem was that I didn’t understand anything I couldn’t see.

My parents were Christians, so I would go to church most Sundays. I didn’t go when I was unwell and apparently I was unwell quite often, but when I did go to church, I remember getting terrified and screaming ‘there’s gods in there!’.

As I gained language I still struggled to believe in a God I could not see. I reached a point where I felt that there was no God. The church service did nothing but bore me. I would rather have stayed at home and watched the Muppets than go to church. When the preacher was speaking I would think in my head: ‘Shut up! Be quiet! I’m bored! I’m bored!’

Narnia!

About this time I started to really get into the Chronicles of Narnia, and I began to collect all the BBC films (which is ironic because Narnia used to be one of the films I’d scream at, saying I didn’t want to watch it).

In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, one of the children (Edmund) was nasty and betrayed his brother and sisters by joining sides with the White Witch. It was one of the old laws of Narnia that a traitor must be put to death on the stone table, so Edmund had to be put to death. However, Edmund became truly sorry for betraying his family and was full of sorrow that he had ever been allied to the White Witch. He confessed this to Aslan, the Lion, who – although he had done nothing wrong – took Edmund’s punishment and died in his place on the stone table. Aslan rose again from the dead the next day and lived forevermore in Narnia.

This helped me to understand more about God. I had been told about the Lord Jesus dying for the wrong things I had done, but up until now it had meant nothing to me. From this time on I began to understand what that meant.

This changed my thinking and I found myself able to believe in God. I also began to believe that the world was round and that there were people in other countries.

Taking things literally

I still struggled with my faith. As a person with autism I take language literally and I struggle with a lot of anxiety. I remember my pastor saying that a true Christian reads the Bible every day. I struggle to read and take in information; I listen to mainly audiobooks. This meant that I felt I couldn’t be a Christian.

I struggle to pray for a long time and again this made me feel like I couldn’t be a Christian. I would also obsess over whether I thought about God enough. I thought I had to think about God every second of the day. If I thought about something else I would have really negative thoughts about not being a Christian. I also felt I wasn’t sorry enough for my sins, I would continually keep going over this in my head. I have realised that this is part of my autism and I must learn to not get stuck in such unhelpful thinking. I was later baptised, which helped me to be sure that God loves me.

Trusting God

As my faith grew I started to pray to the Lord to help me in shops so that I would cope with the noises and frightening people. I remember one year we had an outreach bonfire at my church. I made posters and put them around the town and prayed that God would send lots of people.I really believed that God would answer my prayers. The amazing thing is that there were so many people at the bonfire that people had to go to shops and get a lot more food. God was teaching me that he answers prayer. I also remember the first time someone I knew in the church died. I was really excited because this person was now in heaven. I do hand movements and rock when I am excited. I even felt excited when my Grandad died because he was in heaven.

No cure for now

My autism will never be cured. I’ll have it for the rest of my life, but I still hope to continue making progress and get as much out of life as possible, even though there may be many barriers in the way. I still have a very supportive family, and God has helped me in more ways than the greatest maths genius could count.

I’m am thankful to my parents for all their help, but most of all I am thankful to the Lord God for all the help I’ve received.

Speaking up on autism

I am now a public speaker on autism. I speak to universities, schools, colleges, at conferences and churches. I received an Autism Heroes Award and am a Youth Patron with the charity Ambitious About Autism. I have just had my book published, Thinking Club: A Filmstrip of My Life as a Person With Autism, available on Amazon.

Alex Lowery is 21 and lives in North Wales. If you would like him to come and speak for you or want advice about autism please email info@alexlowery.co.uk or visit www.alexlowery.co.uk