Friendship and dating
I am coming to this very difficult topic from a position of weakness.
There was a period of 16 years when I had no success in older post-divorce ‘dating’. In fact, I got things hopelessly wrong! On reflection, it was related to three factors: my personality, my past, and God’s providence.
Personality
Each of us is created uniquely in the image of God. We need to understand who we are and how we are. My personality is one of passion, compassion and emotional intimacy; a ‘Mary’ rather than a ‘Martha’, who loves to relate to people. Initially I was not good at rationally analysing the facts of another’s character and behaviour, rather just listening to my emotions. I was not always good at determining who was ‘friendship material’ and who was the best person to date.
I also had to change from being a dependent submissive wife to an independent leader fighting for my family’s survival on every front including at work. So over the years I became a strong character and at times could be seen by others as too assertive, asking a lot of direct questions to understand situations. I had to change to be able to relate in a dating situation again.
Past
Having dated a lot at university, and eventually finding my now ex-husband, it was hard for me to be in a casual friendship versus relationship mode when I liked someone in my late thirties to forties. The good years of my marriage relationship moulded my way of relating to a man. I had to learn a new way of beginning in friendships with the opposite sex. I had to do a lot of reading, even a relationship course, to learn how to do it again! And I am a very relational person.
God’s providence
It has not been God’s sovereign will or purpose for me to have successfully dated and remarried over the past 16 years while my children were growing up. I have made a few good male friends though. God does work all things together for good (even the painful things) for those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8.28) However, my hope must be in the Lord (Isaiah 40.31) and not in a husband as I accept there may realistically not be anyone for me. He satisfies the longing soul with good things (Psalm 107.9). (Note: at the time of writing this article originally, I had not met my now fiancé!)
Many tears
Over the years I have cried many tears, as have many of my Christian sisters. And in our chats of frustration and self-recriminations, of feeling unloved and needing to look to the Lord’s unfailing love for us, we always have to come back to the basic principles of the Wise Old Owl:
The Wise Old Owl sat in an Oak
The more he saw the less he spoke
The less he spoke the more he heard
Why not copy that wise old bird!
1. Just sit… get to know each other as friends first with no romantic pressure. You have to get to know each other before anything else.
2. Be relaxed and accepting of what you ‘see’ in friendship. People fear rejection.
3. Hear what is really being said through our different perspectives as a man or woman. We speak different languages verbally, emotionally and behaviourally. Don’t assume anything.
4. Be wise: when you know each other’s characters as friends with some longevity, stability and similarity over time, then within this safety allow yourself to test out any romantic feelings.
