Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
By John Gray,
Thorsons. 286 pages. £8.99
ISBN 0 7225 2840 X
John Gray's third book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is an international best seller in some 38 languages. Since it was published in 1992, it has remained on every list of books in demand. Somehow this book is touching something very important, and not just among American 40-somethings going through their mid-life crisis.
A book that is this popular on such a potentially divisive subject like male/female relationships merits studied attention. Equally, the book may well tell us something about where many people are today. This is a form of mirror reading: the author's advice may tell us something about the struggles, hopes, and situations of our contemporaries.
What is it about?
The thesis is in the subtitle: A practical guide for improving communication and getting what you want in your relationships. Gray uses a word picture to make his point. There were once Martians and there were once Venusians. They came from different planets and spoke different languages. Their differences, however, did not cause tension, hostility or unnecessary division. They became ways of establishing a wonderful relationship between the two. Martians, being Martians, and not Venusians, enabled them to give to the Venusians in a special, complementary, and enhancing way. The Venusians, as Venusians, were able to give, care and receive in a relationship with Martians that brought out the best in both.
This outrageous galactic analogy is for a point. Men and women are different because they are different. Not only do men and women communicate differently, but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets.
The book's bottom line, therefore, is about this difference. The critical reader, whether feminist or an Iron John new male or interested agnostic, will be disappointed with Gray's book right here, I suspect. Gray does not offer any theoretical explanation or verifiable justification for his thesis. As the title suggests, the author offers us practical guidance on how to live with these differences, not dismissing or despising them but working with, even enjoying our differences.
He tells us: 'We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.' However, 'when men and women are able to respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom.'
Who is John Gray?
John Gray is a 45 year-old American and lives in California. Before you give an understandable 'Ah ha', let me add to this. For many years he's been a marriage counsellor, seminar leader and teacher on human relationships. He's personally known the heartache of a marriage failure and, in his view, the victory of a healing second marriage. With three daughters, he leads a down-to-earth kind of life, at least when he's not flying all over the world delivering lectures, promoting books and appearing on the 'Oprah' show. Growing up in Houston, Texas, one of seven children, (six of them boys), he says, gave him his first lessons in cracking the code of male language. He left home at the age of 18 and became a disciple of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the Beatles' guru.
He lived overseas for nine years as a monk, later earning a degree from Maharishi International University and eventually a PhD from Columbia Pacific University, which is not an accredited school. After leaving this chapter of his life, and having a stint as a computer programmer, he began his life as a seminar leader. During this time his first marriage broke up after two years. Now, with three successful books to his name, a 20-year marriage with his second wife, he is an international superstar. Seminars, tapes, CD-ROMs, books, television appearances and world-wide travel mark his life. Still, he insists, he does ordinary things like take out the rubbish.
Why so popular?
First, the book is devoid of psycho-babble. There are no appeals to any cosmic force or spiritual aura surrounding the couple. It is not a theoretical or highly sophisticated academic book. While the writing style is, at times, repetitive and, to my mind, quite American, it is essentially a straightforward read. There is a special 'common sense' ring to it. Ordinary men and women can pick it up and often see themselves in his anecdotes or generalisations. Gray has an uncanny way of meeting people where they are in their inside. He feels and communicates what many people feel and desire.
He knows that the vast majority of people don't want multiple affairs, failed marriages and wounded children from divorce proceedings. Gray has heard people from all over the world tell him, in essence, 'I want to love my partner and be loved by my partner. How can I do this?' Underlying the popularity of this book are various social shifts. The fragmented and, perhaps, disappointed world of feminism has left many women and men puzzled about their identity. Likewise, some of the 90s male development movements have not always answered men's practical and behavioural questions. Gray's book softly and deftly touches these concerns. He has no axe to grind or blame to throw.
So, how does it work out?
While he acknowledges that generalisations about the sexes are fraught with problems, on the whole he notices that men approach questions looking for solutions. 'A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.' Among guys, advice is given only on the assumption that a man is capable of doing something about the problem. A man doesn't give advice just to chat but to pass on a bit of help.
Not so with a woman, suggests Gray. Women approach problems in a more circular manner; not that they are less concerned with resolution than men, rather the process is different. 'A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relations.' So, the point is: men, generally, look at a problem and put on their Mr. Fix-It hats; women face a problem and talk about the issue, paying attention to their feelings and the relationships associated with the problem. Knowing this difference can help us in the all important task of listening.
Martians need space
Men need emotional space and distance. This is why a man may seemingly withdraw in a tense conversation or confrontation. It is not that he is unloving or disinterested, rather he may need to say: 'I do not know right now, I'd like to think about this.' Gray's amusing illustration is this: 'To feel better, Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.'
Women, on the whole, while also needing personal time and space, work out their concerns through open initial non-resolution communication. 'To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.' A woman, he suggests, will often go through the experience of a wave. Emotionally there are times in a relationship when she feels loved, affirmed and heard. She is happy. Yet, it is not surprising, in fact normal, for her sometime later to feel unexpected emotions or vagueness. Her self-esteem rises and drops like a wave. A man needs to know this, and know how to relate to her when she is at either extreme.
Both the man and the woman may resent what the other is doing or experiencing. This is where honest communication, but especially sensitive recognition are important. There is an essential give and take. The man recognises and validates the expressed emotion and concern of the woman. The woman acknowledges and is not threatened by the man's momentary withdrawal or retreating. A man should appreciate that his silence or withdrawal can sometimes be misunderstood and hurt his wife. Equally a woman should freely give space and time to the man. In other words, understand each other better.
What attracts the reader to Gray's line of guidance is the way in which he seemingly provides us with tools to communicate difficult emotions without, necessarily, ripping each other's throat or becoming dreadfully passive aggressive.
Listening, interpreting the Martian or Venusian language, and seeing things as a mutually beneficial and mutually important matter: these are the ways to move beyond the relational impasse. It is possible, too, to ask for support from the other without drowning him or her in one's neediness or emotional stranglehold. It is possible to live as a Martian or as a Venusian.
Christian critique?
To start, a Christian can legitimately salute Gray's objective: to help men and women and the people their relationship touches. Gray knows that things are not well with male/female relationships. He is not willing to surrender to this cultural cancer; neither should we. Nevertheless, some concerns come to mind. First, this book's success is bewildering. Gray offers little more than common sense advice. One might be forgiven for putting the book down, exclaiming: 'This is nothing new, so why a block buster book?' Good question.
Yet it is probably because the fragmented voices from alternate quarters are too combative or too complicated or too absurd. This leads to a second problem. The lack of any theoretical model or research justification is frustrating. Paradoxically, this is how most readers can speed through the book. Sure, just because an author presents us extensive footnotes and numerous quotes this does not mean the argument is sound. On the other hand, Gray's offering deliberately appeals to the 'gut reaction' factor rather than to any critical discernment. He gets away with some huge generalisations.
Where there is no God
Finally, but most importantly, John Gray speaks of no god. There is no saviour, no one outside our human context and construct who can pardon, redeem and heal. At two points he writes of meditation or prayer, but such 1990s inclusiveness says far more than it aims to say. If we accept the legitimacy of Gray's concerns without appreciating that our fundamental dilemma is not a problem of miscommunication or misunderstanding among men and women, but a self-centred false autonomy from the one true God, then we buy into tragic error.
I hope I'm not churlish in this critique or simply putting 'the what about God?' tag on to an otherwise interesting book. Certainly, Christians do not stand on any high moral ground of marital excellence: the divorce figures among Christians is alarmingly convicting! Nevertheless, any attempt to understand the human situation, in both its wonder and its present agony, is mistaken if it does not deal with reality as it really is. You see, men are not from Mars; women are not from Venus. We are from God, and this tells us far more than contemporary culture tells us.
Dr. Gavin McGrath works at L'Abri Fellowship in Hampshire.
