Housewarmings - Tips on getting to know neighbours

Moving or just moved to a new area? The housewarming is one of the last remaining British institutions which allows people to get to know their neighbours in an unforced fashion.

Having moved several times recently, I hope the following guide will be useful to those unsure how to get maximum relational value out of their arrival in a new place. Do this right and, if your experience is anything like mine, within a few weeks you’ll know more about the people in your road than someone who has lived there 20 years.

If you are a vicar in a new parish, read ‘parishioners’ for ‘neighbours’. This isn’t quite Baxter, but it’s a start.

* Strike while the iron is hot. If the pretext for your housewarming party is your arrival in the area, it doesn’t do to leave it six months. Any gap you can’t describe as ‘a few weeks’ is pushing it.

* Pick a format. It has to be flexible. Drinks and nibbles works fine, but, if it’s summer and you have a garden, a BBQ is even better (see below for why).

* Set the scope along geographic fault lines. It all seems so much more credible if you have a good reason for inviting the family in house A but not that in house B. My last two roads happened to be cul-de-sacs with 25-35 houses, which made it very easy. Remember, you could always have multiple parties.

* Make a physical invitation. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but a card or the like is not nearly as easily forgotten as a verbal one. It shows you are serious — this is a real event, not a spur-of-themoment thing. People know that, if they come, it’s unlikely to be just them. It can be stuck on the fridge or mantlepiece, and considered over time. Request RSVPs. You might even get some.

* Invite people in person. If you just post invites, no one will come. Doorstep them with a cheery smile and total self-confidence. ‘Hi, my name’s Gerv. I recently moved in to number 22. You know, where old Mr. Jones used to live?’ ‘Anyway, I’m having a housewarming on Tuesday week at 7.30 pm. Drinks and nibbles — nothing big. I hope you’ll be able to come!’

Hopefully, this will lead to small talk, which can be a good relationship starter even if they don’t come to the party. At the end, you can try, ‘Sorry, I didn’t catch your name...?’ if they didn’t tell you it. Keep a note of the names, and of which houses you’ve caught someone at and which you haven’t, so you can do a second round later. I suggest doing a first pass during the day, if you can, and the follow-up in the early evening. If you get no response at a house after a couple of tries, pop an invitation through the letterbox.

* The more the merrier. Don’t be afraid to invite 30 or 40 houses. You will be doing very well if you get even a 25% attendance rate. Also, people self-regulate — if your house is heaving, the people who arrived earlier will make their excuses. Anyway, ‘my house is too small for all the neighbours who want to visit me’ is a great problem to have.

* Look for commitment. This only works if you are doing a meal, e.g. a BBQ. Three or four days before the event, do another round of doorstepping. ‘Hi. I was just wondering if you were thinking of coming to the barbeque? I want to make sure I get enough food...’ This is good because it encourages them to make a decision, and then also they are more likely to turn up because they know you’ve bought food for them. And it does help with the planning!

* Provide good food, free. Goes without saying. Whatever you do, do well. Be optimistic when shopping. You can always freeze uncooked BBQ meat, or spend the rest of the week eating salads (I speak from experience).

* Collaborative map. At the party, make what I call a collaborative map. This is genius, even though I say it myself! I have done this twice now, to great effect. Draw, or trace from a satellite image from the internet, a diagram of the area in which you issued the invites, with each house as a box, and the road names and house numbers marked on. Then, once the party has started, you can go round and talk to the people who came, in a jocular survey style, and enquire as to their names, where they live and what they do, and the names of their children. Put the info on the map. It’s a great excuse both to start talking to someone, and also to stop doing so!

People will be very interested to look at the map themselves, and (with a little prompting) will help you fill in the gaps on it. ‘Number 5? Oh, that’s old Mrs. Miggins. Doesn’t get out much now. Used to be a farrier’ and so on. Most people don’t know much about their area, but would love to know more. Two people came to one of my parties who had lived at opposite ends of the same road for 20 years, and had never met. If people ask for copies, offer to post a completed one through their door.

Be careful — there’s a line between ‘fun community collaborative project’ and ‘Big Brother-esque tracking’, and asking for too much detail pushes you over it. In particular, I never ask people for surnames, either their own or those of others.

If my experience is anything to go by, at the end of the evening you will know more about the neighbourhood than people who have lived there 20 years. After the party, you can add any names you got from doorstepping which aren’t on there already. The map will be more valuable than sapphires for future relationship-building, and you can use it to pray as well.

* Follow up. These parties always end with people saying ‘You must come round for tea’ or ‘Let’s have dinner some time’. Keep a note of these, and actually attempt to take people up on them. This may be unexpected, but you’ll soon find out if they really meant it. In particular, you can invite people you specially clicked with round for dinner, or to the mulled wine and mince pies before or after your evangelistic event. Having broken the ice in this way, building on the relationship is much easier than starting from cold with a ‘Would you like to come to our carol service?’

I hope these tips will help you to run an event which will be the start of lasting relationships with your neighbours. Happy entertaining!

Gervase Markham lives in North London. He works as a software engineer and has recently completed two years at Oak Hill College ‘acquiring useful life skills’. He attends Enfield Evangelical Free Church.

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