When your partner isn't a Christian

Many married Christians find themselves with a spouse who has not yet come to Jesus. 1 Peter 3.1-7 has something to say.

Some years ago now we had an evangelistic morning with the evangelist Peter Woodcock. That morning the Lord spoke powerfully to one woman from our area — we’ll call her Mary. She talked seriously with Peter after the meeting.

But when she went home and told her husband that she wanted to become a Christian he said: ‘If you become a Christian I will leave you. There is no discussion on this. If you turn to Christ I’m out of here and you will be on your own with the kids’. She knew for certain that he meant every word he said. It was either Christ or the break-up of her family. What a terrible dilemma for her? She later came back and said, ‘I just can’t become a Christian, I want to but I just can’t do it’. She remains friendly to us, smiles at us in the street, but what has happened to her spiritually, I don’t know. But I tell you this story because it is an example of just how difficult the opposition can be from an unbelieving partner.

Thankfully, not every unbelieving partner is like that, and if you have a non-Christian partner who has taken a more reasonable approach, that is something to thank God for.

1 Peter 3.1-7 mentions the situation where a Christian is married to a non-Christian. Scripture explicitly forbids us from deliberately marrying a non-Christian. However, often there are two non-Christians who are married already and then one of them gets saved. That is what Peter has in mind, here, particularly the situation where the wife is a Christian and her husband isn’t. ‘Wives in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over by the behaviour of their wives…’ (v.1).

Tricky situation

We see immediately from Peter’s approach in v1 that he is aware that this is a very tricky situation. He counsels a quiet approach. It is hard to witness to family members generally and it is particularly hard to witness for Christ to a marriage partner. Why is that? It is because when you witness to a stranger, if you upset them it is unfortunate but it’s OK because you will probably never see them again. But if you upset a family member you could be starting years of trouble and resentment, or even, as was threatened in Mary’s extreme case, the break-up of your marriage. Hence Peter’s advice not to go in with all guns blazing.

So what do you do when your partner doesn’t believe? Here are seven practical directions.

1. Pray for your loved one

You can’t save your partner but God can. Lee Strobel, who is now a great apologist for Christianity, was an atheist, a journalist working for the Chicago Tribune when his wife became a Christian. He found it difficult to cope with, but he says now that what irritated him most was his wife leaving Christian books around the house, open at strategic places or with bits underlined! He had to find his own way. But what his wife did do which was helpful was to pray.

2. Don’t be a hypocrite

Make sure that you do your best to live a life which matches your profession of faith. Husbands, it’s no good hoping your wife will become a Christian if you are watching pornography. Wives, it’s no good hoping your husband will be saved if you are known as the neighbourhood gossip, or Miss Materialist 2009. Such hypocrisy will totally undermine any credibility that Christianity has in the eyes of your partner. In particular, from 1 Peter 3.1-7, you need to be happy to take on a biblical view of your role in the marriage. You are saying ‘do as the Bible says’. Will you do as the Bible says. Wives submitting to your husbands (v.1) in support and respect, not trying to be the head of the house yourself. Husbands, be considerate as you live with your wives (v.7).

3. Make yourself spiritually attractive

Having explained that your partner will first of all be won by your behaviour rather than Bible bashing, Peter then says, with wives in mind: ‘Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewellery and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight’ (vv.3,4). Peter is not saying you should not make yourself physically attractive. That cannot be the meaning here, because the word ‘fine’ of ‘fine clothes’ is not in the original of verse 3 and, if we took it as an actual forbidding, then Peter would be forbidding Christian women from wearing any clothes! The meaning is, don’t make outward appearance the focus of attention for one’s attractiveness. Instead focus on the inner spirit, the peaceful and gentle personality.

Now why is that? First, and most importantly, it is because this is what counts with God. If you want God to be powerfully with you in your situation, then this is what pleases God.

But, second, this will have an affect on your partner. You see, with this non-Christian / Christian tension in your home, there are bound to be potential areas of difficulty.

* Time: ‘you are always down at that church, what about me?’
* Money: ‘why are you giving our money to the church, I don’t like that!’
* Your relationship: ‘you are no longer the person I married; I didn’t sign up for this!’

But if you can learn to handle those inevitable tensions with a gentle and Christ-like wisdom, showing that, although you are now a Christian, you do still respect and love him, not only will that be good for your relationship but it is also likely to have an effect on your partner. He will see that you have an inner peace and an inner strength that you never had before. It may start him asking, ‘What is it about you?’

4. Handle opportunities to witness wisely

Peter tells us to win them without words (v.1). Again, that is a general statement. It is not strictly forbidding talking about Christ under any circumstances. It may well be that, as you live a spiritually attractive life, your partner might ask a question about your faith in Christ. How do you handle that?

First, be faithful to what the Bible says but make sure you are winsome rather than confrontational. This is the spirit of 1 Peter 3. So instead of telling them, ‘You are a sinner and you need to turn to Christ’, rather speak in terms of yourself. ‘This is how it was for me. I realised that I was a sinner. I read the ten commandments and realised how I had failed….’ And so, as you talk about your own experience, you are not being confrontational, but are telling them the gospel and inviting them to think about their own lives. You are talking things through in a more non-threatening way which preserves your relationship.

Second, of course, if you are a wife with a non-Christian husband it might be good to get a Christian man from the church, to befriend your husband. Then, when it comes to talking through the tough questions, he can do it and you are not directly in the firing line.

5. Be rich in good deeds

It is the behaviour of doing good (v.1) which is winsome. Satan’s influence pre-disposes unbelievers to think the worst of Christians (2 Corinthians 4.4). They are quick to accuse us of all kinds of things. For example, we have even seen the readiness of some in the media and some politicians to put evangelical Christians in the same category as Muslim terrorists. Now that kind of prejudice is answered, says Peter, by good deeds — loads of kindness.

6. Don’t have a down on yourself

Some new Christians start off on the road I have outlined, but then, when time goes by and their partners are still not saved, they get deeply discouraged. The devil whispers to them, ‘It’s because you are a useless Christian’. But that is not true. The real situation is that the reason they are not saved is not your fault but a measure of the hardness of the sinful heart. Think about it. Who is the best Christian who has ever lived? The Lord Jesus, of course. He lived perfectly before his family. And yet they did not believe (John 7.5). It was only after he graciously appeared to his brothers after the resurrection that they came through.

7. Seek first God’s kingdom

Sometimes we need to sift our motives. We can be desperate for our partner to be saved, but the real reason is to make it easier for us! And when our partner is not yet saved we can get angry with God, or we can fall into self-pity. If this is the case, actually it indicates that all our motivation is still around ourselves. No. Put God first. Get that pure motive where we can honestly say, Lord even if my partner is not saved I want to serve you, I want to put you first and be your servant. And very often it is that as we put God first, other things fall into place.