Christian single parents

With the birth of my children (a daughter and four sons) who are special gifts from the Lord, I had dreams of raising them with my then husband (a pastor) and as a family serving the Lord.

However, the Lord redirected my journey and I have had to adjust my aspirations. Some remain the same and some are different, as I move forward alone, but ‘godliness with contentment is great gain’ remains true from then until now.

Christian single parents are real people living in a real broken world who have to face the consequences of the brokenness, for themselves and their children. The majority are unwilling divorcees having to deal with a Christian spouse’s wrong choices and actions. Others are widowed or were unmarried. But the reality of Christian single parenting is the same for all. It is a hard task for we are not ‘Superdad’ or ‘Supermum’, but weak and frail human beings with needs and desires, like everyone else.

Often we are caught in between two groups in the church: married people raising children, who do not face the unique problems we do, and single people, who may never have married and do not fully understand child rearing. So we are a ‘parent’, but not married, and we are’ single’, but not footloose and fancy free. Christian single parents, and their children, need non-judgemental understanding and support from both sides: the married parents and the singles without children, and from the whole church family. Most of all, they need unconditional love and acceptance.

Family phases

Let’s look at the phases of a Christian single parent family:

When my ex-husband and I were church planting in a township in South Africa, before we had any children, we bought ourselves an affectionate, black collie puppy, Emily. One day, some workmen let her out of our garden to roam the township. When we found her gone, we did a frantic search, fearing the worst. Hours later, a small boy told me that Emily had been hit by a car and was lying bloodied by the side of the road a few streets away. Finding her barely alive, we wrapped her in towels and rushed to the Johannesburg free vet service for township pets. It was touch and go over night as to whether she’d survive, and I prayed that the Sovereign Lord would be merciful to this dearly beloved creature, if his will.

God answered that prayer, and Emily came through the crisis to thrive. However, she was different from before, her right back leg was completely stiff and served no function. Emily was, to all intents and purposes, a three legged dog! But she was still our old Emily.

The story of Emily has parallels to that of a single parent family, and how much more does our Sovereign Lord care for us and our children? Although one of the powerful and significant back legs is no longer serving its purpose, i.e. loss of one of the parents, the family is still able to be a fully functioning unit with only one parent, and as much of, or even more of, a blessing through brokenness than before. As with Emily, certain phases have to be moved through to get to recovery and restoration:

1 SOS crisis

The parent is often traumatised by the loss, i.e. separation, divorce or widowhood, as are the children. As well as a period of grieving, there may be a vicious cycle of anger (passive or aggressive) and anxiety leading to depression in the parent and children. This means a certain amount of chaos in the home. This is a time for loving ‘intensive care’ from the church community to bring the family to some state of normality. Focus needs to be primarily on the parent, who is like an umbrella over the children for protection and love, as a shelter from life’s problems. As the parent heals, the children will heal. A healed parent is the best therapist to attend to her children. If the parent is not healing, then the children’s needs become paramount.

2 Survival

As the parent starts to cope with life one day at a time, so the children cope better with their daily routines, including school. Coping extends from a daily to weekly basis, and longer term plans start to be made. At this stage, regular church attendance may be too difficult but is still a long-term aim. The parent and children may need certain types of counselling or therapy to come through any remaining difficulties depending on how much trauma they have experienced. Healing for all takes time and needs prayer as the Holy Spirit works. Continued loving support from the church community is required, often in more specific areas according to the need of each family.

3 Setbacks

However, all along the way there will be ‘setbacks’. The single parent is vulnerable and fragile. Coping with only ‘one significant leg’ means a juggling act, and sometimes all the ‘balls come crashing down’. This may be due to sheer exhaustion, physical illness, an emotional upset, i.e. from a dating break-up, teenage misbehaviour, work stress, and any unforeseen problems of life. The parent has to look to the Lord, stand up again and keep going forward in his strength. A ‘listening’ ear from a counsellor or trusted friend can help the parent move forward positively again.

4 Stability

Once the stability of the family is established over time, i.e. the parent and children are stable, the setbacks are more easily recovered. It is wise to try to change as little as possible in the children’s lives, i.e. routines, family traditions, home, school, church, friends, etc., unless absolutely necessary. Make your relationship to the Lord through the Word and prayer part of the fabric of family life, i.e. we pray in the car on the way to school, we do a very short Bible study after dinner when we can and we keep a family prayer journal with our requests and God’s answers. There is often someone rebelling but we keep on going little by little. Foster a team spirit where everyone in the family is a part of the success of the whole, i.e. a professional article I wrote recently is being shown to the SA government and my middle child said: ‘ Wow! I’m famous!’ He felt blessed and successful with me. Encourage each child to do their part with specific chores. Most importantly, make use of any people who can help stabilise your family. Behind me are a fantastic duo, my Christian parents and the children’s grandparents. They are a stabilising influence through their support, prayer and in giving disciplinary back up. They are ‘on call’ to practically help and are godly role models to us all. I thank the Lord for them, as they are a major part of our being blessed and successful.

5 Service

A stable Christian single parent family, who serve others, is a wonderful testimony to the Lord. People, especially non-Christians, ask: ‘How do you do it? You work full time, have five children, are so strong and calm.’ And I can say: ‘It’s not me alone. I’m a Christian and God helps me. He gives me the strength and peace. And we have our bad days!’ Include the children in the Christian service where possible as training for the future, i.e. we often open our home for evangelistic outreaches in our area, and sometimes the children help out with the Christian singles if the event is based at my home. One of the singles was impressed with the compassion of my daughter (16), as she was going around to the shy ladies sitting alone and spent time chatting to each of them

What it’s like

Here are some headlines from comments from Christian single dads and mums. The unique difficulties experienced throughout the journey as a Christian single parent are:

1. Loneliness, and longing for a mature relationship with a spouse.
2. Exhaustion and depression from the heavy burdens, both physical and emotional, which exacerbate the loneliness.
3. Financial difficulties: tension of struggling to make ends meet on government welfare while staying at home, versus the exhausting stress of working and keeping home to have a decent standard of living, and demonstrate the work ethic to the children.
4. Fear of the future, and making major decisions alone.
5. Opposite sex role models, i.e. men for the boys when the dad is absent.
6. Child and teenage discipline issues.
7. Stepping in the shoes of the opposite sex, i.e. for ladies, the practical handyman-type things; for men, the cooking and housekeeping.
8. Sexual frustration.
9. Church: difficulty in attending, being accepted non-judgmentally, and having the needs of the children met so that the parent can hear the Word.
10. Ex-spouses, in the case of divorcees.

Next month, we will explore how to move forward positively through the phases and coping with difficulties.

People with a special calling, part 1