Single solution? - What can the church do for those who can't find a partner?

According to an Office of National Statistics report covered in The Times recently, more than one woman in three will be unmarried by 2031, one woman in five aged between 45-54 will never have married, and half of all men will be unmarried.

Pastors and church leaders may be justified in believing these figures only apply to the world ‘outside’ the church, but, most likely, some reflection of these statistics will be seen in church life. The question is, ‘Will the reflection be a vague likeness or closer to a mirror image?’ Judging by how successful non-biblical culture is at penetrating Christian living, we must heed the warning these figures are sending out. It appears that unwanted singleness could become a major issue in the evangelical church.

In using the term ‘unwanted singleness’, I am trying to refer to those people in church life who are single but don’t want to be. I am very much aware that there are many people who are single from choice. Furthermore, I believe the church needs single people and that God never intends the church to function without them. This article, then, is addressing only singleness that is ‘unwanted’.

The cause

It is true that some causes of singleness in society are present in the church also: career ambition and the desire to please oneself are attitudes found among Christians as well as non-Christians; and some Christian singles are guilty of valuing these aspects of life too highly. However, the greatest contributing factor to unwanted singleness in the evangelical community is an absence of opportunities on a large scale for singles to meaningfully meet and socialise.

2031 is not the time for the British church to be responding to a chronic problem of singleness saturation. If, as we say, the Christian family is a crucial gospel witness to an unbelieving world, can we allow this worrying transformation of church demographics to occur without those in leadership rising up in unity to deal with this problem now?

My aim in this article, therefore, is to stimulate discussion and action; not just at the grass-roots level but among those who hold leadership positions within the evangelical church in Britain. I believe the solution to this problem must work itself through the church from the top down, not from the bottom up.

The present situation

I know that organisations like Oak Hall provide informal opportunities for socialising, and organisations like Christian Friendship Fellowship (CFF) provide a more overt opportunity for single Christians to meet. I have recently become aware of more regional endeavours like the one in Bedford (covered in the November issue of EN). All certainly appear to be benefiting the church rather than detracting from it.

However, there is one weakness: they are not supported on a national level by evangelical church leaderships. Some regional agencies do have the backing of local churches, and this is very good; but the co-operation among churches needs to be far greater if we are to overcome the problem of single ‘A’ never meeting single ‘Z’ because they are separated by geography not theology. This dilemma is particular to the church because the Bible teaches that a Christian must marry a Christian. Subsequently, the local Christian has a minute ‘social circle’ compared to their secular counterpart. Clearly, geography is an issue.

I had thought that ‘Christian Connection’ sites on the internet would play a positive and significant role in this matter, but, generally speaking, they have not. Though there must be success stories of good Christian marriages resulting from such sites, I have found Christian internet dating to be an unhealthy system of courtship. Not only do many participants turn out to be far less Christian than their profiles suggest, but also, in a person’s search for the right partner, they often find themselves increasingly drawn further from home on one-night dates where the steadying influence of Christian community can be totally absent. In such situations the temptation to fall into sexual sin is increased — not to mention the disappointment and despair that sets in after some years of driving miles only to be continually disappointed by one-off encounters or relationships that never make it to a place of peace, trust and love.

A suggested solution

I would like to suggest that what is really needed is a nationwide Christian singles organisation, vetted, sanctioned and supported by local evangelical church leaderships in such a way that pastors up and down the country have confidence in it and are committed to it. In an age where marriage options for Christian singles remain limited, the church should be doing much more to create a nationally co-ordinated singles ministry that properly reflects the true quantity and diversity of Christian singles wanting to marry. Yet this ministry should exist only as a servant to the local church, not as an independent para-church entity.

My thoughts, then, are really directed at evangelical church leaderships in Britain. And my questions to them are these: ‘Are you doing everything you can to help your single people who wish to be married (whatever their age) find suitable Christian husbands and wives?’ Are you doing all you can to overcome minor denominational differences (or petty suspicions of each other) for the sake of bringing single people together? Do you see that your flock does not contain perfect matches across the sexes? What are you doing about it? Leaving it for university to sort out? Leaving it to the individual to sort out? Praying year after year for new blood to come to the church while the ‘new blood’ you are caring for grows ‘old’? Is this what it means to pastor singles wanting to get married? Shouldn’t there be more concern; not in an overbearing, micro-managing way, but in the pro-active provision of healthy opportunities for members who wish to meet other Christians, to do just that?

I do not want to imply that church leaderships are uniformly guilty of lacking pastoral care for singles wanting to marry, but, if your church’s vision does not go beyond your own congregation, even beyond your own region, then surely you are not putting yourself in their shoes? Many evangelical churches are already affiliated with such bodies as FIEC, SE Gospel Partnership, Grace Baptist and Affinity. Isn’t it realistic that churches which already share significant theological agreement couldn’t bring that to bear in the area of Christian relationships to establish a trustworthy and sensitive singles ministry covering the whole country?

Danger of inaction

It is my conviction that, if such co-operation among churches isn’t achieved within the next decade or so, we will increasingly lose Christians to unbiblical marriages because they found no Christian to marry. Admittedly, there is no solution available to the church that doesn’t have inherent risks and dangers, but inaction seems far more dangerous than action; and, of the actions available to the church, it appears a singles ministry on a national scale carries the most benefits, while only marginally increasing the risks found in smaller projects.

I am not saying that a national network of co-operating local churches will mean an end to unwanted singleness, but I am arguing that such a provision will prevent many ‘unequally yoked’ marriages and the heartache that goes with them — let us just take that in for a second. Such an endeavour must be worth our effort.

I call on the church nationally to discuss this problem, and for the church nationally to find a solution. I ask those who hold influential positions within the evangelical church to give this topic serious consideration.

James Young,
Lower Ford Street Baptist Church, Coventry