From married ministry to Christian singles' work

Jacqui was blessed with being brought up in a gracious Christian home. She was both a PK (preacher’s kid), and also an MK (missionaries’ kid) in Zimbabwe and South Africa. But her life has not turned out as she expected . . .

When I was 11 years old, the Lord called me one evening while meditating on a beautiful African sunset. I asked the Lord to save me.

This became a heart’s burning to serve him in ministry during my university studies at medical school in Cape Town, in my late teens.

A heart for my husband

Since a young girl, I had always dreamed of being a bride, a wife, a mother and living ‘happily ever after’. Having a very protected and happy upbringing in a large family, when I met my then husband-to-be at Bible College, who was a budding preacher / pastor, I thought my dreams had come true.

From our marriage in our early 20s, we served the Lord in a church plant in a South African township. We then moved to the USA for a few years while he furthered his theological studies, and we had three children along the way. But then everything changed when we returned to ministry in South Africa.

A heart revisited

I found myself in a heavy shepherding, authoritarian church and my husband was one of the elders. He did not ‘hear’ my concerns and I was due to give birth to our fourth child. The church was prideful and judgmental and shunned anyone who left the congregation. I tried to put my heart into this harsh legalistic church ministry, in order to save my marriage. At the same time, I was earnestly seeking the Lord and studying the Scriptures, and learning from overseas Reformed evangelical preachers who came to teach at the church’s Bible College.

In my experience, I was like ‘the man born blind’ in John 9. I suddenly ‘saw’ and understood that salvation was all of GRACE by faith alone in a way that I’d never seen before. I was praising the Lord! This contrasted with my husband and the church’s Christian views. Many things happened but basically they scorned and shunned me. Instead of grace and reconciliation, there was a ministry of destruction. However, the Lord spoke to me and sustained me through the Scriptures during this terrible time when my fifth and youngest child was only four months, and the oldest was eight years old.

A heart shattered

My then husband filed for divorce and custody of the children on the pretext of ‘religious differences’. A family court upheld that I would keep them. With the help of a lawyer, I managed to stall the divorce for nearly two years as I sought to reconcile my marriage. People on different continents were praying to the Lord to save my marriage and family. However, finally, he insisted on the divorce and I had to let it go through. That day, I felt as if I had descended into the pit of hell. My heart and soul were shattered as if my ‘snow globe’ of a Christian worldview was dashed into a million fragments.

A heart crying out

I was truly alone for the first time in my life, aged 34, with five children in tow. I felt as if I was an inexperienced 19-year-old again. We were homeless and virtually penniless. By the Lord’s grace, dear Christian brothers and sisters protected and provided for us (in addition to basic maintenance), so that we could survive until I was earning a living again.

The Lord himself protected me from rape and murder; sustained us during robberies and tragic death of pets; and preserved my youngest child’s life when critically ill after an accident at the age of one year old. All through the fiery trials and trauma, my heart cried out to the Lord. I felt so disconnected from him, and people, and life. I know I was suffering from deep depression, with anxiety and anger. Yet, he spoke to me through his word and I learned to hold onto his promises. I was supported by a few biblical counsellors who helped me during this painful journey; one being my father, over the phone, from the UK. My children also suffered trauma: the after-effects of legalism, and the devastation of divorce.

A heart humbled

It has been more than seven years now since this testing trial started, and my ex-husband has been remarried to someone in his church for nearly two years, continuing in ministry. The Lord has been faithful to me through it all. It has been a humbling process of deeper spiritual learning, repenting, changing, forgiving, healing, and growing by the Lord’s grace. He has carried myself, and the children, through the times we just had to ‘survive’ and has been rebuilding us now here in the UK over the past three years. He has restored my soul. My children have been healed by the Lord’s grace and are doing well in a stable, gracious environment with much support from my parents. We continue to have certain struggles as a single parent family and are not perfect, by far!

A heart revived

My prayer was that the Lord would heal and restore me so that I could serve and comfort others. I could help those who had gone through spiritual abuse, those who were misunderstood in the church as divorced Christians, those who were lonely or hurting. Further I could warn people from my own bad experience.

The Lord has provided some wonderful opportunities over and above my primary calling to be a godly mother and in my Speech and Language therapy work.

In particular, I am blessed to be co-ordinating a Christian singles’ group which is linking up with other local South East England groups. And this is not the end of my human story yet, I am waiting on the Lord for a ‘happier’ ending and, if it is his will, to remarry ‘in the Lord’.

A heart for singles

When I returned to the UK from South Africa three years ago, I barely knew anyone here. After a year of staying with my parents to ‘get on our feet’, the children and I were able to rent a home in a lovely rural village in North Beds. But I was very lonely for Christian friendship and fellowship. I was praying and seeking for ways to meet other Christians, especially single parents who would be in a similar situation to me.

Eventually, through seeing advertising in a Christian women’s magazine, I came across The Network, a national association for Christian singles. I contacted the leaders and had an immediate affinity to the wife who had been through a similar circumstance to me. This encouraged me to join and attend a weekend-away event. To be honest, I found it very hard being a ‘single’ again, especially as most of the singles had never been married. I had to adjust not only to UK culture again, but also to the ‘single’ culture, as well as being ‘no longer in ministry’, along with ‘being divorced’.

From that event in October 2004, I met some Christians from the Bedford and surrounding areas. I was keen for a local group to be started by someone else because I didn’t think I could do it!

A year later and with over 70 current members, by the Lord’s grace alone, our local independent group is growing and I am co-ordinating it (with the oversight of the Rev. David Streater, elder and surgeon Bernard Palmer, elder Bob Christian and some email help from Dr. John Benton).

Singles group

Let me explain how our group operates. Who are we? We are a free and voluntary, informal group of Christian singles of all ages (30s and 40s mostly). Our group is interdenominational but we are basically evangelical and we have events to encourage personal spiritual growth in the Word. Members volunteer to lead social events and Rob Watson helps co-ordinate these. We have singles who have never married, are divorced, are single parents, and are widowed. We all come to singleness from different perspectives but are united in Christ. Some struggle with singleness; some with childlessness; some with bereavement; some with the pain of divorce and all its complications; some with single parenting issues; and some feel misunderstood or overlooked by married Christian folk in their churches.

What do we do and where do we meet? We meet for friendship and fellowship primarily, with the possibility of meeting another Christian for a mature relationship and marriage. Our basic programme is:

* First Saturday in the month: Living Word, http://www.livingwordnet.com - Preaching by well-respected UK evangelicals through a once-a-month-series in Letchworth, North Herts.
* Third Saturday: social event, e.g. walk, meal, film, etc., in Bedford or surrounding areas.
* Extra activities include: Bible studies in Bedford; prayer; evangelistic outreaches open to all; BBQs; Valentine’s Day meal; Christmas event.

Who can attend? All Christian single adults are very welcome. There is a nearby B&B if you live a distance away and need to stay overnight.

How do I join in? Contact Jacqui by email or letter through the EN office: editor@e-n.org.uk. You will be added to the Bedford-and-surrounds Christian singles group email membership list, and receive details of upcoming events which you are welcome to attend.

What if you live in another part of South East England? You are still welcome to join for emails, and come to any Bedford-and-surrounds area event if you can travel to it.

Helpful contacts

The Network (http://www.singleandchristian. co.uk) or Harvesters (harvesters@blueyonder.co.uk), a West Midlands Christian singles group, and other events with the local South East Network groups (contact through The Network).

Also ‘Hand in Hand’, a Care for the Family local group for single parents in North Herts., meeting once a month — email Helen at helen.romain@ntlworld.com