An alien at home - part 1

In an increasingly secular culture, most children in Great Britain grow up without the privilege of being raised in a Christian home.

As a result, thousands in this country come to Christ not through the teaching and modelling of Christian parents but due to some sort of outside influence - a Christian friend at school, a book they read, a talk they are taken to by a colleague at work.

Having become Christians, these new converts gradually see that their mindset, values and motivation are now at odds with that of their own parents, who, however moral, upright and loving, are opposed to Christ and cut off from God. This realisation gives rise to a variety of problems: both for the children as they seek to love their parents and share the gospel with them, and for the parents as they come to terms with the huge change that has taken place in their offspring.

So EN ran a survey asking people who had become Christians independently of their unbelieving families to outline their experiences and feelings about the issue.

Over the next three months, EN looks at their responses and tries to suggest some answers to the questions this situation raises.

Raw emotions

The first thing in people's responses to the survey was the strength of emotion felt. There was a huge sense of sadness that their relationships with their parents had become more difficult or less intimate since becoming Christians.

'I suspect we have less in common now, especially as my outlook on life is so different. I sense there is sometimes distance in conversation...'

While most reported some negative reaction to their faith from parents, others expressed deep anguish at the outright opposition and condemnation they had received: 'Later on it (their parents' reaction) turned to active hostility and opposition. Expressed in consistent attempts to discredit, ridicule or undermine the evangelical faith.'

As well as sadness, many also acknowledged that they felt that not being brought up in a Christian home meant that they had missed out on certain things: 'I've missed out on being encouraged and nurtured in my faith by two people who knew me very well. I've also missed out on someone modelling the Christian life to me. I feel now as a parent that I wished I had that example and experience to draw upon.'

More generally, there was a widespread sense of confusion that the parent-child relationship had been skewed or even reversed since becoming Christian. Their parents had often ceased to be the ones they turned to for guidance and help in decision-making.

'It has made me see them in a different light. Although God's word tells me I must respect them, which I try to do, I don't really look to them for advice any more.'

In summary, the survey made it resoundingly clear that being a Christian with unconverted parents can be tough. The Christian in this situation needs God's Word to help them understand how they should view these relationships, what expectations they should have of them and how they should remain godly in them. This month EN looks at three principles the Bible teaches that begin to clarify our thinking.

A biblical perspective

1. God calls his people into a new heavenly family.

Under the old covenant, being born into the right earthly family was vital. Only if you were born a Jew would you be taught God's truth as you grew up, a truth that had been passed down through the generations (Deuteronomy 6.7). Through the family you heard about God's blessings promised to his chosen people and learnt how to live in the light of them.

However, with the death of Jesus came the new covenant, which the old one pointed towards. Through Jesus, God would save his people for himself, a people who would come not just from the Jews but from all nations, cutting down barriers of race and upbringing. With the arrival of the new covenant, anyone, from any background, could be called by grace into God's family, where he ruled as Father and his children were united under him. In other words, the Bible insists that now in the new covenant, it is this family, God's family, created through Jesus, which counts. Our earthly family, if Christian, can be a great blessing, used by God to draw us to him. Nevertheless, however good this small family unit is - or however bad - it will not last. Only God's covenantal family will continue forever. It is our real, everlasting family.

For the person converted from a non-Christian family, this truth is a source of great joy. United under Christ, we are called to a close, open, lasting relationship with other believers. They are our genuine family, our true brothers and sisters in Christ. So, when the believer with unconverted parents feels he is missing out, or when he is struggling or facing criticism at home, he can remind himself, that, like all believers, he has his real, Christian family to encourage and advise him.

'Instead (of my earthly parents) I look to those within my church family who are older and wiser than me, whom I know will be able to advise in a godly manner on a difficult issue I may be facing.'

2. God's covenant of grace creates division.

The fact that God now calls people from all nations is something to praise him for. However, it also brings problems for those who come to Christ from non-Christian backgrounds. For them, the opposition and rejection that all believers face will come even from their nearest and dearest. Those who responded to our survey spoke of 'indifference' from their parents, 'strong criticism' or even 'outright rudeness'. Such reactions should not come as a surprise: Matthew 10.34-39 tells us that Jesus came 'to set a man against his father and a daughter against her mother. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household'. So, when parents behave like this it does not mean something has gone wrong; rather, it is what Jesus said would happen. Christians facing such painful rejection should not despair or give up but instead see that for them, part of the cost of following Jesus may be to displease those they are closest to and be criticised by them.

3. As children we are called to be obedient to our earthly parents, with the ultimate aim of pleasing Christ.

The Bible is resoundingly clear about the importance of obeying our parents. However, for the Christian from a pagan family this raises questions. How is it possible to do this while putting God first? Or, to put it another way, are there occasions when it is right to go against pagan parents' wishes in order to obey Jesus? To answer this, it will help to differentiate between the child at home and under parental supervision, and the adult who has left the family nest.
For the child, the costly but biblical answer is that he will always obey his parents unless they ask him to sin. To obey his parents and to obey God are not necessarily in opposition to each other: he shows his allegiance to Christ by doing what his parents tell him. This is not to say that he should not (very politely!) say what he feels when he disagrees with their decisions. For instance, if told to stay home and do his homework instead of going to Bible study, he may explain how much studying God's Word with other Christians means to him, and he could also help his case by doing his homework earlier in the weekend! However, in the case of being instructed to commit some sin, such as tell a lie, he should follow Daniel's example when asked to bow down before the golden image; he should respectfully refuse.

For the adult who has left home and can now make his own decisions, things are a little more confusing. Nevertheless, the aim still should be to love, respect and care for his parents, with the hope that they will see his 'good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation'. This means, for instance, that in their house he should thoughtfully submit to their wishes. The difficulty comes when parents seek to guide their adult children and give advice. Under God's common grace, they may well offer sensible help that can be gratefully heeded. However, as unbelievers, their longing for their children will not be to see them bring glory to Christ and put him first. Rather, they will commonly be motivated by things like happiness, financial security, and success.

'I would have valued having godly wisdom rather than worldly wisdom when making decisions.'

When the Christian is weighing up whether to give up time, money or even a lucrative career to work for the gospel, unbelieving parents may not be terribly encouraging or supportive. In this situation it would not be wrong to go against one's parents' wishes, albeit with gentleness and respect, even if it means fuelling their displeasure.

Conclusion

These three principles begin to reveal why being the converted child of pagan parents can be so painful and costly. However, they also show us God's goodness to his children: he offers guidelines, informs expectations and gives us the huge gift of a real, Christian family who can help us keep living for our perfect Father in heaven, even when it hurts.

We will return to this subject in next month's EN.

Elisa Beynon

© Evangelicals Now - January 2005
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