A regular turkey!

Christmas, we are told, is a time for family. Deep in the British psyche at Christmas is the idea embodied by the Cratchit family in Dickens's A Christmas Carol, of a family united around a lovingly prepared feast.

Every October and November magazines tell us how to manage this crucial event - this magical meal: turkey without tears, your essential Christmas dinner countdown.

It has the status of the fairy on the top of the tree; it is a symbol of family happiness and togetherness, an idea we all subscribe to even when the reality is something else.

But the question is, if eating together is so great, why don't we do it more often?

A study in March 2000, reported in The Archives of Family Medicine, found that of the 16,000 school-age children questioned, less than half ate with their parents on a daily basis.

There are lots of reasons why families as a whole do not eat together on a daily basis, in the way that they used to.

* Working hours, including commuting, are longer, which means that some family members will leave home before others are up and arrive home after their bedtime.

* The two income family means less time for a parent to cook a decent meal and serve it at the table - it becomes a matter of feeding the children.

* Houses are bigger, enabling the various members to effectively live under one roof, but in their respective rooms.

* There is widespread access to convenience foods: one can feed oneself standing in front of the fridge.

* After a break-up of the family, there can be an empty place at the table, the sight of which is too painful.

These things have eroded the family meal table, not only as the communal trough but as a centrepiece of family life.

Researching for this article, I trawled the internet, putting in the words statistics, family, eating together and I had 26 pages listing over a 100 different sites. I started to read them and a theme emerged: the statistics are so, frankly, repetitive, documenting this huge change in the way we live and pointing to the link with all sorts of alarming or depressing trends.

But, in addition, a while ago I started to notice how important communal eating is in the Bible.

1. A Bible survey

The significance of eating together is demonstrated in the story of Abraham (Genesis 18.5); the story of Isaac (Genesis 24.33); Jacob (Genesis 27); Joseph (Genesis 43.33,34).

The Passover is celebrated with a particular family meal. The Pentateuch is stuffed with references to food and eating. For example Deuteronomy 15. 19,20.

Move on to the kingship of David: he starts his reign - what kind of a king will he be - one who, in common with other Middle Eastern potentates, crushes his enemies and consolidates his position? No, this king, who patterns himself on the king of heaven, on the basis of a pre-established covenant, seeks out a forgotten and disfigured grandson of his enemy and what does he do - he says 'you must always eat at my table' (2 Samuel 9). This is more than giving a food hamper to the dispossessed. It signifies welcome, acceptance, belonging, sharing, trust. There are countless instances of this in the Old Testament. Those who eat at the same table with you are special. That is why the Pharisees objected to Jesus eating with tax-collectors and sinners. And of course, that is what Jesus does - he graciously condescends to hang round doors, for example in Laodicea, hoping to be invited in (see Revelation 3.20).

How did Jesus say we were to remember his death? - with a meal, a family meal. The church is, scripturally, a family. When we take the bread and the wine, it is a together thing we do.

And how is heaven described, in Revelation 19.9 and 17 - as a marriage feast. That's where we are heading, if we are believers.

2. The useful table

I believe the Bible's emphasis on family meals indicates that they can have great benefit to family life.

Luke describes the development of the child Jesus, saying: 'Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and men' (Luke 2.52). Here we have intellectual, physical, spiritual and social development. As parents, we should pay attention to all four and the meal table can help. In truth they are areas which continue to need attention in adult life.

Intellectual development

Children learn so much through listening to the conversation of others and through dialogue. Unless you operate like a silent order of monks, there will be chatter during a meal. And this is valuable time to teach your children how to think for themselves. They need to learn to articulate and evaluate the input of the day, not just what they have heard but what they have understood.

* About the day's experiences
* About current affairs - a snatch of radio news or a headline from the paper might get them talking
* About general knowledge
* About popular culture - music to listen to, TV programmes
* About family news - what is happening to Granddad
* About plans and priorities, for the evening, for holidays, for options at school
* About problems, personal or communal

In a 1994 Louis Harris & Associates survey of 2,000 high school seniors, students took a test measuring academic ability and answered personal questions. Students who ate dinner with their family four or more times a week scored significantly better than those who ate family dinners three or fewer times a week.

Another study on fatherhood in the US found that children whose fathers share meals with them, spend leisure time with and talk with them about their homework, do significantly better academically.

Physical development

There is so much in the news these days about eating habits and dozens of studies demonstrate the link between eating together and health. A study reported in the Archives of Family Health in March 2000, which looked at 16,000 children, found that children who have dinner with their families eat more fruit and vegetables and less junk food than those who do not. They also have significantly higher levels of calcium, folate, iron, B vitamins and vitamins C and E. So eating together enables:

* The modelling of appropriate eating behaviour
* The monitoring of a balanced diet and therefore healthy growth
* The encouragement of a wholesome attitude to food - neither greed nor faddiness

A Baylor College of Medicine survey (2000) of 287 fourth-, fifth- and sixth-graders in Houston found that 42% of dinners were consumed while watching television. Overweight children reported eating 50% of their dinners in front of the television, compared with 35% for normal weight kids. At the other end of the problem-eating spectrum, studies have shown that families that eat together have a lower occurrence of eating disorders such as anorexia.

Social development

Eating together is by definition a social activity. It allows family members to check-in with each other, connect emotionally, and share their thoughts, fears and feelings. It is in particular:

* A context for the teaching and modelling of good manners
* A place to learn the art of conversation, both listening and contributing
* A forum to resolve conflict both within and outside the family
* A repository for jokes, legends, memories
* An opportunity to practise hospitality to friends and strangers
* A demonstration of acceptance and belonging

Spiritual development

The family table, because it gathers together the various generations of the family, is a unique opportunity in the day for spiritual input and discussion. Because you have to eat, it makes the mealtime a good place to include family prayers, whether that is story-telling, Bible reading or a prayer time.

It is also an ideal place for informal instruction along the lines of Deuteronomy 6.7. Beyond that, most mealtimes provide quite naturally the opportunity for growth in the areas of: thankfulness, generosity, service, contentment, self-control, and patience.

3. Some practical ideas

1. Don't have the television on. (Unless it is a special event - like the Rugby World Cup)
2. Lay it properly with due attention to appearance. Children can help in this with responsibilities, for napkins, or lighting candles. Make it look like an event, even if there are no guests.
3. Prepare it together sometimes.
4. Let older children cook sometimes.
5. Have special international meals - linked to prayer for a missionary?
6. Do special things for special days. Create your own crazy routines and rules. No banana hat, no dinner! Guy Fawkes supper! Ice cream sundae night!
7. Simple is good, but loving presentation goes a long way
8. Keep in mind Proverbs 15.17: better a meal of vegetables where there is love, than a fattened calf with hatred.

Christmas dinners frequently fail to meet all the expectations attached to them. After all that work the occasion can be more like Proverbs 17.1 - a house full of feasting with strife.

But the family meal table as a daily rendezvous for all the inmates of a household is something worth working towards and for. Eating together is for life, not just for Christmas.

Reflections on the family meal table