Domestic violence and the church

The reality

In August 2002, the British Medical Journal published an article on domestic violence, where it asserted that around one quarter of women in the UK have been physically assaulted by a current or former male partner (BMJ, vol. 325, pl.317).

Commonly quoted figures are that two women are killed every week by their partner or ex-partner; that an incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every six seconds, but only an estimated 2% of incidents are ever reported to the police.

It is actually notoriously difficult to get accurate statistics regarding a problem which by definition goes on behind closed doors. Certainly some radical feminist groups have hijacked the domestic violence issue, and grossly exaggerated the statistics.

Such groups have implied that domestic violence is only a male problem, whereas the reality is that some men are battered by their partners. I know of two evangelical churches where a (male) church member is currently suffering ongoing violence from his wife. But, having made these qualifications, domestic violence is an ugly reality and, tragically, Christian homes are not immune.

The response of conservative evangelical churches

Various research projects have investigated the level of domestic violence presented to evangelical pastors in America and Canada, and how they respond. We should not assume that the situation in evangelical churches in the UK is identical, but there may be lessons to learn. It would be wise at least to be aware of this research until similar surveys have been conducted here.

The following points are a broad-brush summary of the American/ Canadian surveys:

From the perspective of the pastor

1 The majority of pastors are confronted with a victim/victims of domestic violence at some point in their ministry - usually a wife suffering violent abuse from her husband (who may also be violent towards their children).
2 The majority of pastors have not received any training about counselling situations of family violence, but they feel fairly confident about their ability to deal with the situation. They are unlikely to seek outside advice, either from other pastors, or from denominational agencies, or from secular agencies. This reluctance to seek outside help can be problematic, as pastors are often unaware of the local shelter provision. They may offer temporary refuge with church members, which can cause difficulties. They are commonly unaware of the victim's legal rights.
3 Many conservative pastors adopt the Westminster Confession view of divorce - that divorce is only permissible in cases of adultery or desertion. If the husband has not committed adultery or deserted his family they may advise a short-term separation if the wife/children's life/lives are in danger, but are reluctant to counsel long-term separation (which is regarded as de facto divorce). (One fifth of pastors in the Alsdurfs' survey* said that 'no amount' of violence could justify a wife leaving her husband).
4 Many pastors begin their counselling by asking what the wife has done to provoke the violence. They are often unaware of the typical pattern of abuse in which domestic tension mounts and is only relieved when violence breaks out, to be followed by penitence, and (often), professed affection. Many victims testify that the terror experienced during the build up of tension is as bad/worse than the attack itself, so there is sometimes the sense that an attack is 'provoked' simply to get the inevitable over with.
5 Many pastors counsel women to 'go back' and 'submit' and 'pray more'.
6 Many pastors view domestic violence in church families as primarily a 'spiritual problem' to be addressed spiritually (i.e. focus on challenging the devotional life of the abuser) and don't always take on board other factors - family/social/economic/psychological.
7 With hindsight, pastors admit that on their first encounter with domestic violence their emphasis is on reconciliation, and they are eager to 'believe the best' when the abuser professes repentance. When they continue involvement on a long-term basis they realise that professed repentance is not necessarily to be taken seriously. Next time round they are more reluctant to send a spouse back into a violent situation until there has been real evidence of change.
8 In America, the 'daddy's daughter' syndrome has been noted. Conservative pastors may hold a very firm line on divorce through their ministries, but, if their own daughter suffers violent abuse, they realise the impossibility of sending her back to an abusive situation, and subsequently feel deep remorse about how they were willing to send other women back into violent situations.
9 Even in situations where the spouse is counselled to separate/divorce, the emphasis is on escaping the situation rather than confronting the violence and seeking long-term change. Often the cycle is then repeated, with the abuser then abusing another partner/spouse.

From the perspective of the victim:

1 In church situations, women are very reluctant to seek help: they find approaching a male elder about their 'problem' quite difficult.
2 Many victims of abuse tend to blame themselves anyway. When the first question is 'what have you done to provoke the violence' this tends to feed that assumption.
3 Submissiveness and passivity does not prevent the abuser being violent - it actually increases the likelihood of violent abuse. (Two-thirds of abused women in the Alsdurf's survey thought it their 'Christian duty' to endure abuse from their husband).
4 Victims find that if they separate/divorce, they are commonly stigmatised by the church. One survey in America showed that 70% of victims left the church for this reason.

Issues that need to be addressed

Among some social workers and shelter co-ordinators, conservative Christians have a bad name. They have come across Christian husbands abusing their wives/children and demanding that they submit, and they have come across pastors who expect wives to return to situations of abuse. Some conservative evangelicals accept commonly-repeated myths about abuse, such as that 'women enjoy it really', 'women provoke it to draw attention to themselves', and that 'if they submitted more it wouldn't happen' (serious research disproves all these myths). As evangelicals, I would suggest that at every opportunity we need to make it clear that:

1 Biblical teaching on male leadership in no way condones a man's domination or abuse of his wife.
2 We are against all forms of physical, sexual and/or verbal abuse.
3 Abuse is sin and is in direct opposition to the purposes of God. Abuse ought not to be tolerated in the Christian community.
4 The Christian community has a responsibility to lovingly confront abusers and to protect the abused.
5 In instances where abusers are unrepentant and/or unwilling to make significant steps towards change, we believe that the Christian community must respond with firm discipline of the abuser and advocacy, support and protection of the abused.

What model of marriage are we teaching?

The traditional view of marriage (headship and submission) has all too often been distorted, to produce a rigidly hierarchical or 'chain-of-command' model, whereby husbands are seen as the 'boss' and the wife's duty is simply to obey. The mutuality pictured in the Song of Songs, and taught in 1 Corinthians 7 is minimised. Sadly, there are all too many testimonies of godly women being violently abused by Christian men who are in positions of leadership (elders, pastors, missionaries) and being told it is their duty to submit.

In reaction against this, many have rejected the whole concept of leadership and submission in marriage. Ephesians 5 is seen as conditioned by the patriarchal context in which Paul ministered, and the distinctive teaching for wives and husbands is minimised by a call for 'mutual submission'.

The middle way is the 'complementarian' view of marriage. Husbands have a distinctive leadership role (taking responsibility for the well-being of the family). Wives affirm (submit to) their husband's leadership - but this submission is not absolute - it is 'in the Lord'. Jesus is Lord, not the husband, which means they do not have to obey if it involves sin - for example, if their husband wants them to join in abusing the children. Nor do they have to go on passively enduring abuse - which is 'enabling' the husband to go on sinning. It is irresponsible to preach on submission without making it clear that there are limits to that submission.

What model of community are we demonstrating?

Do we take seriously the church as family? Or do we say that 'what goes on behind closed doors' is not our concern?

Male leadership in the family is for the purpose of protection and provision. And by extension the male leaders in the church have a responsibility to protect the vulnerable. If violence is going on, then the leadership has a responsibility to confront that violence. If male elders send an abused wife back into a violent situation and tell her to 'pray and submit', I believe that they will be held accountable for the results. I have seen a situation where a tiny woman was being terribly and regularly beaten by a violent man, with serious problems of his own (both church members), and rather than confronting the man, four out of five elders said she should 'go on submitting'. What if that woman had been their daughter, their sister, or their mother? We are to treat each other with the honour and respect we would show to family members. And if on occasion a male eldership seems insensitive to the pain suffered by a woman who is suffering violence, other women of the church should speak up on her behalf to ensure that her voice is heard.

What attitude to divorce do we take?

There are genuine differences of biblical interpretation here, which it is not our remit to discuss. On the one hand, there is the 'Heth and Wenham' view of the indissolubility of marriage. Then there is the Westminster Confession view of divorce on the grounds of adultery/desertion and re-marriage permitted for the innocent party. Many other pastors are convinced that cruelty and abuse breaks the marriage bond just as certainly as adultery or abuse. Perhaps the most helpful recent book is that by Stephen Clark (Putting asunder: divorce and remarriage in biblical and pastoral perspective, Bryntirion Press, 1999).

Some practical suggestions

Some estimate that in conservative churches, for every 60 families, there are likely to be two in which abuse is a reality. How should we respond?

Suggestions for pastors:

1 Address the issue of domestic violence in the preaching ministry. Make it clear (regularly) that violence is never acceptable, so that if any in the congregation are suffering abuse they can be confident that if they seek help the violence will be confronted, not excused. Interestingly, many pastors in the surveys said that they had preached against domestic violence, but many parishioners reported that they had never heard a sermon against domestic violence.
2 Where possible appoint a female church worker (whatever her title). Abused women may be reluctant to approach male church leaders.
3 Address issues of domestic violence in Fraternals, so that (without breaching confidentiality on individual cases) experience, expertise and information about relevant local agencies can be shared. Similarly, the whole issue of divorce could be studied and discussed in Fraternals.
4 Be prepared. If you are fortunate enough not to have encountered any cases of domestic violence, this could change at any time. Read one or more of the books recommended below to be alert to the issues.
5 Have a child protection protocol in place, so that if issues of sexual abuse, etc., do arise, the church is prepared.
6 Don't promise more assistance than you can actually deliver.
7 In counselling situations make it clear that the person (husband or wife) inflicting violence is responsible for his/her actions, rather than placing the blame first on the victim. Violence is a choice, it is not an 'inevitable' response.
8 Rather than 'damage limitation' (escape) being emphasised, the emphasis where possible should be on confronting the abuser with the need to change behaviour patterns. This will involve spiritual factors, but it will involve other factors too.

Suggestions for church members:

1 Be aware that abuse does go on. Sunday school teachers should be cautious about over-emphasising unquestioning obedience to parents, teachers, other grown ups. Such emphasis on authority is classically used by abusers to enforce secrecy. Be alert to signs that abuse might be going on.
2 Don't engage in verbal voyeurism by spreading details of abuse through a prayer group.
3 Be careful about opening your home to victims without thinking through issues of privacy and the possible dangers from the abusive spouse.

Suggestions for victims:

1 Battery is illegal. Do not be intimidated. Boundaries must be set and kept to. If your spouse is violent, do not conceal it, do not make excuses. Seek help.
2 If you are a wife, remember that submission is not 'absolute' - it is 'in the Lord'. Sin must be confronted, not enabled. You must seek help in confronting the sin of the abuser. If your elders limit help to telling you to 'submit and pray' and do not confront the violence, seek help elsewhere.
3 Do not stay in a situation where you/ your children are at risk of physical/sexual abuse. 'You do not have to be a victim. Your role has nothing to do with accepting abuse or irresponsibility in your husband. If he physically, sexually or emotionally mistreats (you or) the children, you need help . . . The worst thing you can do is to deny that your husband is abusing you or keep quiet about it . . . if you do nothing, you are actually encouraging the abuse . . .' (Rocking the roles, p.166).

Further resources

* Battered into submission. James and Phyllis Alsdurf. Highland, Guildford, 1989. The result of eight years of research into abuse in Christian homes.

Loving solutions: overcoming barriers in your marriage. Gary Chapman. Moody Press, Chicago, USA, 1998. Chapman gives strategies to confront, not enable, abuse.

Domestic violence and the Church. Helen L. Conway. Paternoster Press, Carlisle, 1998. Helen Conway is a Christian lawyer, and this book is excellent on legal/practical aspects as well as suggesting ways forward for the church. She has written a book at a more popular level entitled Picking up the pieces.

Women helping women: a biblical guide to the major issues women face. Fitzpatrick, Elyse and Cornish, Carol (eds.). Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, USA, 1997. Includes sections on helping women in abusive marriages, and helping women who suffered abuse as children.

Rocking the roles. Robert Lewis and William Hendricks. NavPress, Colorado Springs, USA, 1991. A very helpful 'complementarian' treatment of marriage. Chapter 21 explains that 'helper' doesn't mean 'enabler'. Chapter 23 is a case study of a church intervening to protect a woman from an irresponsible husband.

Counselling for family violence and abuse. Grant L. Martin. Word Books, Waco, Texas. A comprehensive 'text book' on the subject.