The hesitant carer

I didn't ask to be a carer. I am the least qualified person in the world for the job.

I've always claimed, as an engineer, to be more of a battery, wire, and bulb man. How on earth did I become a carer? A question I keep asking myself.

I was 60 years old and four years away from retirement. We had been starting to think about what we would do with our extra time. We enjoyed doing things together - walking, exploring new places, enjoying scenery, and generally travelling. One day we were able to dream those dreams and the next they were finished when my wife, Evelyn, suffered a severe stroke. She lost all use of her right side and talking and swallowing became difficult. Life would never be the same again.

Evelyn spent four months in hospital when we hoped and prayed each day that there would be improvement and indeed complete recovery, but we saw very little.

Helpless and alone

I was excited at last to be able to bring her home and she was glad to leave hospital. I soon realised the predicament I was in. It took ages to get her out of the car and into the wheelchair. I was terrified that she would fall. Once inside, it became apparent that she couldn't do anything without me. She felt very vulnerable away from the security of the hospital ward. I felt incredibly lonely, isolated, and helpless. I called out to the Lord, 'Help me!' But I didn't feel that he'd heard me. Well, there I was - a full-blown carer, right in at the deep end!

Perhaps I should point out that I am one of those sad males who are completely and utterly undomesticated. I don't cook - I can't cook. I say this to my shame, but there it is.

I stood in the kitchen trying to rustle up something for lunch and as I did so there was a knock at the back door. Before I could open it a young lady came straight in and introduced herself as Hazel. She was Evelyn's carer from Social Services and would be coming in each morning to help with her washing and dressing. She would also be doing other jobs such as making beds, ironing, washing up, and laundry. I couldn't see how it was all going to work out as I still had to go to work each day.

For the evening I had bought in a quantity of frozen meals. Just heat them up in a microwave. We enjoyed the evening together. It had been a long time since we had sat and watched the telly.

Time for bed. I made a ham-fisted attempt at helping her wash using a little hand bowl on a table and then getting her undressed and dressed in her night things. There were unexpected problems due to her paralysed side being a dead weight, just hanging and pulling her off balance all the time. I didn't sleep much that night, but was listening out for the bell I had installed. It sounded twice which meant awkward manoeuvres on and off the commode situated by her bed.
The next morning, while getting ready for work I realised the carer had come in without me hearing or seeing her. She seemed to be everywhere I wanted to go. I was trying to get dressed and this strange woman was everywhere. 'I can't cope with this!' I thought. 'There's going to have to be some other arrangement.' But six years on and there's no other arrangement. I have to say, though, that all the carers we have had are a wonderful breed of people.

Meeting place

I managed to carry on working full time until my retirement at 65. I couldn't have done it without the help we received from Social Services, and from friends and neighbours. Our house became a meeting place for folk who previously didn't know each other that well. Many from church would come in and pray with us, do some ironing, gardening, or whatever was needed. I found this help difficult to accept at first. It was pride, I suppose. After a while it penetrated my thick skull that I could not manage without all these lovely people helping us.

I had to take one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time. We have always had this key text for our married life - Matthew 6.31-34: 'So do not worry, saying "What shall we eat ... or ... drink?" ... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you... Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' This was even more relevant to us now. In some ways it was easier to witness to others of the Lord's goodness to us. Our Christianity could not be just academic, but down to earth and practical.

Sensitivity

It was, however, with some Christians that I had the most difficulty and this caught me completely by surprise. One dear lady came up to me not long after Evelyn had had her stroke. I was actually in a state of shock and grieving at this time. It was as if a loved one had died. She put her arm round my shoulder and gave me one of those spiritual smiles -if you know what I mean. She had no idea how I felt nor made any attempt to find out. She just said: 'God has a purpose in all this for you both.' Now, I'm not disputing the truth of what she said, but it was the complete lack of sensitivity with which it was delivered which was upsetting. There was no offer of any help and she did not appear again. And this was typical of many encounters.

Others would come and lay hands on Evelyn accompanied by boisterous prayers for her complete recovery. Evelyn and I were instructed to thank God immediately for her healing. As the days and weeks passed without any signs of improvement they would cast doubts on our faith. These were devastating experiences.

Other church folk that we had previously been very close to, avoided us altogether. It seemed as if they couldn't cope with Evelyn's disability. This was also a great source of hurt for us.

Humour is essential

I did become quite bitter over some Christians' attitudes toward us. It was only after someone prayed the whole thing through with me in a sensitive, understanding way, and after I had meditated on all that Jesus had done for me in suffering and dying on the cross, that the bitterness left me and I was able to forgive those who caused so much hurt. The big question I was left with was: 'How many times in the past had I been insensitive to folk in need?'

As a carer an essential attribute is a sense of humour. Evelyn and I laugh a lot. Situations that become frustrating in the extreme have to be laughed through. There are the disabled toilets that are impossible for wheelchair users. One church we visited was so proud of their new disabled toilet. But when we opened the door, we found it was being used as a paint store and was full of buckets, paint pots, dust sheets, etc. Sometimes we've had to use an ordinary ladies toilet. We collapsed with laughter struggling in the cubicle in one ladies toilet. I received some very strange looks when we emerged.

Since retiring the amount of help we receive from Social Services has reduced. My duties are many and varied. I also have to make sure that I do have some time off. I need to get away on my own, spend time with the Lord, and recharge. It is important that I keep myself physically fit because a lot of it is hard manual work.

Carers' fellowship

I have now been a carer for six years. My cooking has not improved, but I have established many little short cuts. Much of my day is spent helping Evelyn to do things and keep active. She has become very proficient at a number of crafts, including card-making. I count it an honour and a privilege to be able to help her in this way now that she finds life so difficult. Every movement is a terrific effort for her.

About three years ago I came across the Carers Christian Fellowship. On reading their inspirational newsletter and later being put in touch with other carers, I realised that I was not on my own in all this. Others were having similar experiences. If you would like to know more about them, visit their website, www.carerschristianfellowship.org.uk. or contact their co-ordinator Sue Jones on 01793 887068.

It was suggested to me that I write a book about our experiences entitled 'Trust Me, I'm a Carer'. It is not yet published, but is on a website if you would like to look at it, www.imacarer.co.uk

My early cry to the Lord for 'Help' was heard. He has been at my side all the time, although I was often not aware of it. He does know that I didn't want to be a carer. But he had other plans for me. Praise his Name.

John Brookes

© Evangelicals Now - August 2004
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