Tell me, one more time!

'What's wrong with me?' That's a question I frequently asked myself over ten years of suffering from severe mood swings.

They began when I was facing a huge amount of pressure and stress in my early 20s. My mind would just 'shutdown.'

I was unable to function normally or make simple everyday decisions. I would suddenly be seized with an inexplicable fear and panic, not understanding what was happening to me.

A black cloud

After some days, the black cloud of dullness and fear would lift. I would feel 'normal' again, having a lot of energy and enthusiasm, often too much. Shortly after the mood swings began, I was doing a teacher training course to be a secondary school teacher. During the course I could sometimes do my work without too much difficulty. Yet at other times I would agonise over the smallest task. This pattern was reflected in everything I did. Even writing a weekly shopping list or planning what to wear for the day would take ages. It all depended on whether I was 'up' or 'down'. A repeated pattern emerged where I was 'up' for around ten days, then 'down' for another ten days. As a result, I began to compensate for the difficult 'down' periods by becoming much more active and productive when 'up'. For example, as a teacher, I would work frantically, preparing enough lessons plans for the ten good days as well as the ten bad days. When I was 'down', however, I struggled, but managed to teach. I sometimes felt muddled and very inadequate.

During those years of severe mood swings I would feel like 'Jekyll' and 'Hyde', two different people in the same body. Needless to say, I enjoyed the highs, and was often so positive that I would think to myself: 'Maybe this time I won't go down, maybe the cycle is broken', only to be devastated when my mood would plummet again shortly afterwards. On occasions, I would go extremely high without realising that I was becoming irrational. I would think illogically, and yet be convinced in my own mind that what I was saying made perfect sense. I would argue my point vehemently with my husband. He sometimes found that he could make me see differently by discussing the facts of the matter. However, I was usually beyond persuasion. At these times I was often convinced that he was the source of all my problems! He learned to cope with the highs, and all that came with them. It was an emotional rollercoaster every few weeks, for both of us. We sometimes look back and laugh at some of the things I got up to then.

Help

One of the worst things I dreaded, when down, was being on my own for much of the day. I vividly remember being so grateful on days when I could sit with a friend and just have a little company.

At the beginning, many people didn't understand or know how to help. Some thought that I just needed to be more mature. When I was down, some would tell me to 'be positive' and just 'count my blessings'. I felt very isolated, and cried a lot. When I went to see a consultant psychiatrist, keeping a daily mood chart was suggested. After a few months, the very clear pattern of mood swings became apparent. I was suffering from a mild form of manic-depression, so mood-stabilising medication was prescribed. This took some time to have a visible effect. At the start, I thought that my medication didn't help much. But over the years, it has helped increasingly, being changed to suit my circumstances. Now, I hardly notice any ups or downs at all. In time, we have learned by experience that certain things help or hinder the condition. For example, too much stimulation and activity, stressful situations, but especially inadequate sleep can push me high. We have also learned to recognise tell-tale signs of going high. These include lack of concentration, inability to sleep, and doing things out of the ordinary, rearranging things, and having lots of 'brilliant' ideas.

Doubt
I struggled enormously with my Christian faith when I was down. There were times when I was extremely conscious of my sin. I would doubt if God really loved me. Sometimes I would cry out to the Lord, in confusion, pain and anger: 'All I've wanted to do is serve you, but how can I if I don't even know if you exist!' At these times I would long to be reminded of the basics of my faith. So, my husband and friends assured me of God's great love, that he himself had dealt with my burden of sin and guilt through Jesus's suffering on the cross. They would remind me of how strong my faith was when 'up', of things that I had said and done which bore witness to the fact that I indeed loved the Lord, and that he loved me. These were the times when people helped a lot - talking things through with me, praying for me, and reminding me of the teaching and promises in the Bible.

Yet, when I was up, our roles were often reversed. I would often pray aloud at prayer meetings, seek opportunities to share the gospel, and do evangelistic talks at school. I felt that I should have learned that my lack of faith was only temporary, and due to my mental state of mind. But each time I went 'down', we were back to square one, and I needed to be encouraged once again. It was helpful, too, that there were other Christians who had similar experiences, who could empathise (2 Corinthians 1.3-4). They encouraged us that their moods had stabilised over time.

Some verses became very special to me (Isaiah 43.2 and 1 Peter 1.7), but especially Psalm 73: 'Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterwards you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever' (NIV).

Praise

Looking back I can truly say that God was very good to me during this very difficult period. He provided me with a loving husband who helped and supported me and learned to understand; some excellent Christian friends and some great support outside of my Christian family. On a few significant occasions, he overruled so that I was 'up', including my wedding day and teaching interview. Also, he is helping me bring up three lovely children.

There's a hymn that sums up what I desperately needed to hear whenever I plummeted:

Tell me the old, old story,
tell me the old, old story.
Tell me the old, old story
of Jesus and his love.

Tell me the story slowly,
that I may take it in -
that wonderful redemption,
God's remedy for sin.
Tell me the story often,
for I forget so soon:
the early dew of morning
has passed away at noon.

Looking back, I can see how inextricably linked our mind, body and spirit are, and we need to take care of all three. I am truly thankful for all that God has used to bring me through this dark period of my life.

Elaine Duffy

© Evangelicals Now - February 2004
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