Evangelicals Now
<< October 2003 >>

Being single - or is singleness biblical?

You will be hard pressed to find singleness, as we use the term today, mentioned in the Bible. In fact, you won't find it at all! When we talk about singleness or being single, what do you think of?

Maybe solitariness, aloneness, loneliness, unconnectedness, freedom to do what the individual wants to do, little connection with family, independent, fun-loving, self-orientated and youthful. We probably think of singles as being between 20 and 40.

Older than that and they become bachelors or spinsters! Single people are folk available for baby-sitting, people who go on singles holidays and form singles groups, and perhaps people we think need to be rescued from being single!

I want to really open up our minds to the possibility that we have got the concept of singleness badly wrong, and that this wrong thinking is as much to do with our own cultural baggage as it is with our incomplete understanding of the New Testament teaching on how we should relate to one another in the church.

As people created in the image of a relational God, the issue of our ability to relate to others is fundamental to our experience of life. In our thinking we tend to put people in two separate boxes - we talk of marrieds and we talk of singles. We assume that the vast majority of people in the singles box are just there on a temporary basis until they move into the married box. By implication, we often think of those in the single box as less complete or 'together' than those in the married box. These categorisations are not only patronising, they are deeply flawed. Even with a relatively superficial look at the categories, we find our narrow definitions coming unstuck. Is the widowed grandmother with a close family of children and grandchildren a single person? Is the unmarried vicar or pastor serving the Lord by caring for his church a single person? What about the 39 year-old widower with two young children - is he single? What all of these so-called singles have in common is strong relationships of many different types that give them strength and can bind them into community life.

What I propose is that rather than hold on to an artificial construct that we have inappropriately called singleness, we look at a continuum - at one end we will find people whom I will call 'relaters'. These are people in relationship with others. At the other end of the spectrum we find the 'non-relaters'. These are people who are not in relationship. My suggestion is that regardless of our marital status, we can all plot ourselves on this relationship continuum. Some of us may move along it at different times of our lives, but it is our ability and commitment to relate that is of greatest significance, not our marital status. There are, of course, two fixed points on the continuum in God's relational plan for us. Sexual relationships are for those who are married and celibacy is for those who are unmarried.

Let's start by looking at the 'non-relating' end of the spectrum, because here we find important clues about how the age and culture in which we live influences our understanding of relationships.

'Non-relaters'

My initial observation is that non-relating people may, at first sight, seem to be people who in some form relate to others a great deal.

However, their relating perhaps could be described as 'virtual' relating. It has the appearance without the substance!

Their concern focuses around the needs of themselves and so they become customers of others. The question they most frequently ask themselves is how well a particular relationship is meeting their perceived needs. The priority is on feelings and finding ways of obtaining that elusive sense of happiness. It majors on introspection, enjoying virtual relationships that need no commitment. The popularity of the internet chat rooms is evidence for this, as is the high divorce rate in the UK. Needless to say, sex, either real or imagined, forms a part of the search for good feelings and personal satisfaction. But the last thing that is acknowledged is any sense of responsibility towards the other person.

Pick-and-mix spirituality is often a feature of non-relaters' lives. No creator God figures in their consciousness; rather a liking for the entirely abstract with a strong emphasis on contemplative spirituality where they can 'get in touch' with themselves rather than the living God. In other words, the picture painted for us in Romans 1 has become a reality and people have truly exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man.

What happens next is not just a major break in our relationship with God, but also major trauma and dysfunction in their ability to relate to other people. So, inevitably lying, malice, gossiping, sexual promiscuity all become the normal way of life.

If we are honest with ourselves as either married or unmarried people, we can recognise something of ourselves in the picture I have drawn of unrelatedness.

'Relaters'

What then about the other end of the spectrum - those in relationship?

Truly satisfying relatedness begins with relationship with God through his Spirit. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Pictures in the New Testament speak further about intimacy with God. Jesus is the friend of sinners and our brother, and we, by turn, are brothers and sisters of one another in the body that is the church.

In summary, those people in relationship are those who are likely to experience relationship with both God and others. The types of relationship will include family, friendship, church community, as well as a wider interest in relating to others to spread the gospel. The relater may or may not be married. I would suggest that being in either state does not necessarily give a good indicator of whether or not you experience relationship in its deepest and most fruitful depths.

So, when we talk of singleness, we may be using a term which pushes us towards a view of an individual who experiences considerable loneliness and is an 'unrelater', while we assume that marriage means two people who are good at relating. I think these are false assumptions and not a biblical perspective. Singles and marrieds are false distinctions in the kingdom of God.

This is underlined if we take an eternal perspective. Jesus taught in Matthew 22.30 that marriage is an institution for this life, not for ever. It is the church that will endure through eternity.

Key Bible teaching on remaining unmarried in this life is found in Matthew 19.10. Jesus's perspective is that not everyone can remain unmarried, but those that do may do so for a number of reasons. He attaches no disgrace to the inability to produce offspring and have a marriage; rather, he sees it as a state that arises for a number of reasons that can lead to great service in the Kingdom.

Paul takes this teaching a further step in 1 Corinthians 7.7 and 8. Here he is not arguing for singleness as we sometimes talk about it, but rather he sees not having a marriage partner as a good thing, enabling a person to serve God without distraction!

Implications

So, what application can we make to our everyday lives from Bible teaching?
My list is not exhaustive and, in part, will apply to both those who are married and those who are not:

* Being unmarried is an honourable state - no less than marriage and with more potential than the married state to serve the Kingdom.

* Whether or not we are married or unmarried, we are instructed by God to view these states as temporary. They may change in our lifetime or they may not. Either way we will experience relationship and intimacy in a newer way when we reach heaven.

* Regardless of our marital status, we are equal brothers and sisters in a new God-made community called the church. Our roles in the church should not be determined by our marital status. Unmarried people are a gift to the church and can serve the cause of the gospel in a whole-hearted way and not have divided loyalties. Unmarried person, are you offering yourself to the church in this way? Church leaders, are you properly recognising and using the gift of unmarried people in your local church congregations?

* The unmarried person has the same longings for intimacy and closeness that a married person has. We are no different! We have been built to the same design. The question then for the unmarried person in today's Britain is how to find intimacy of community life when so much seems to be working against it.

How do I find intimacy?

My answer lies in a number of places.

Firstly, to maintain our intimate relationship with God.

Secondly, to strengthen our ties with brothers and sisters in the church and, among that community, nurture true friendships of honesty, accountability, trust, good humour and steadfastness. In this way the unmarried person can be truly anchored in community life.

Finally, we should not ignore the myriad of relationships with family, work colleagues and acquaintances, all of which can be used for evangelism as well as human companionship. I must say that I believe little is understood today about that nature and potential of friendships in offering intimacy, and it's a subject worthy of further study.

We have often bought into an unbiblical singles and marrieds way of thinking that I think needs to be challenged, to strengthen the body of Christ in this age when false intimacy and fractured community dominates. The church is meant to provoke gasps of astonishment from an unbelieving world, as it did in its early days. 'Look how they love one another' was the outcry and so it needs to be again in our day and age.

Stefan Cantore