Speed dating | Stephen Tucker

Described as the perfect antidote for frustrated daters, speed dating is the latest phenomenon to hit the UK. This is not something we would particularly recommend but some people might be tempted to try it.

Now that organisers are tailoring events specifically for single Christians, how should we respond biblically to America's latest fad?

It should not surprise us that after 50 years of uninterrupted peace and extraordinary technological advance the West is experiencing new problems. While we have gained much to be thankful for, sadly we have become little more than consumers in a society where individualism is allowed to eat away at the heart of community.

In this social context, perhaps singleness is more of an issue now than ever before. Those not married often feel trapped in the circumstances of life, for example: professionals who work hard, commute in virtual isolation and only return to the studio flat after a trip to the gym; the widowed who, knowing intense loneliness in the midst of cities packed with millions, feel too frightened to make the first steps towards a new relationship; and shift-workers who work at night, sleep during the day, and seldom meet new people.

For single Christians, the apostle Paul's directive that they should 'not be yoked together with unbelievers' (2 Corinthians 6.14) can seem to further complicate matters. In this era of social fragmentation he commands us to consider only a tiny minority of the population as suitable for marriage. In reality the gravitation of mature believers towards each other speaks of the heart echoing Paul's question: 'What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?' (2 Corinthians 6.15). Paul expects those contemplating marriage to look for spiritual qualities.

But for some, the local church then becomes the only place to meet potential life-partners. Those in small churches often profess that there are no suitable candidates. On the other hand, large congregations can prove to be difficult places to establish meaningful friendships, especially for the shy. And many single leaders feel they have to maintain a professional distance from their flock. For whatever reason, church is not always an easy place for single people.

First for the Jew . . .

However, the task of finding a compatible partner is a problem for all peoples, and not just Christians. A little over two years ago, Aish HaTorah, a Jewish educational network, observed that many of the Jews living in America were more happy to marry non-Jews than remain single. The group sought to address a problem they considered fundamental to the survival of their people.

In combining blind dating with elements of musical chairs, their solution offered participants the opportunity to meet up to 20 single Jews in successive four-minute mini-dates. Speed dating was an instant success - those who did not find a suitable partner still enjoyed an evening of fun.

. . . then for the Gentile

It did not take organisers long to realise that a concept created to encourage Jewish marriages could serve others. Soon there were events for graduates, for those over 50, for Buddhists. Then followed special cruises, weekend retreats and almost every other variation on the theme. In spreading like wildfire around the world, speed dating became the latest fad from America.

Within recent months, established dating agencies have organised events specifically for single Christians here in the UK. 'The speed dating events are proving to be extremely popular, with hundreds of people signing up to come along', says a representative of an agency I contacted recently. Their approach has been to cater for all Christian denominations in one evening, but targeting a specific age range (e.g. 40-52).

On arrival at a typical event, each participant is presented with a name badge, a form and a courtesy drink. After opening in prayer, the compere explains how the evening will proceed. Next, two participants - one male and one female - sit at each of the 15 tables for the first mini-date. After three minutes a bell sounds and the participants mark their forms to indicate whether they would like to see the other person again. Then each man moves to the next table to begin the second mini-date. This process continues until the fifteenth date is complete. On departure the participants return their completed forms to the organisers.

Many will feel apprehensive about meeting 15 people in a little over an hour, but the agency assures that the 'evening is all laid out for you, which means you just need to follow the instructions of the compere'.

Within a few days all participants receive an email with the contact details for their successful matches (cases where both people have indicated their wish to see the other again). It is then up to the individuals to establish further contact as they see fit. However, those attending should consider that, for various reasons, some people register no matches; I am told they still receive an email.

To ensure they have the same number of male and female participants, most organisers require that applicants register online in advance. The general advice is to go with realistic expectations, to rest before the event, and to plan meaningful questions. Expect to pay at least £20.

Speaking to my peers, the overwhelming opinion is that speed dating is trendy and stigma-free, a thoroughly 21st-century way of meeting new people socially. Some married friends have even expressed disappointment that they cannot enjoy the experience. But what does the Bible say?

A biblical response

We live in a changing world. Each year provides new symbols of progress, some to be welcomed, others rejected. For example, whilst many of us have embraced email as a means of communication, the proliferation of lap-dancing clubs in our cities causes real concern. Any cultural change or technological advance provides a fresh challenge for the Christian: to formulate an appropriate response in the light of unchanging biblical principles. The advent of speed dating is no exception.

In contrast to a lot of secular thinking, the decision to marry should not be made lightly. Therefore, a new phenomenon such as speed dating should be approached with a degree of caution by anyone who wants a resulting marriage to outlast the hype of the event. For those seeking wisdom, here are a few biblical principles:

First, while I am sure he recognised that it 'is not good for the man to be alone' (Genesis 2.18), the apostle Paul's life testifies to the opportunities available to those who in learning 'the secret of being content in any and every situation' (Philippians 4.12) have humbly accepted that singleness, like marriage, is a gift from God. In commanding that 'each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him' (1 Corinthians 7.20), Paul warns his readers that consistently attempting to change external circumstances can easily lead to unhealthy preoccupation. For the apostle, contentment brought the freedom to 'live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord' (1 Corinthians 7.35). And so those considering speed dating would do well to learn from Paul, a man whose fulfilment, security and contentment were rooted in Christ, and who allowed nothing to deflect him from single-minded devotion to the Lord.

Second, in Romans 14 Paul discusses the believer's response to eating meat and observing sacred days. Whilst those issues - contentious in the life of the early church - may not concern us now, the underlying principles of this chapter affect every Christian. Paul respects that one 'man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike' (Romans 14.5), but commands that each 'should be fully convinced in his own mind' (Romans 14.5). As believers we must have confidence in our actions, as 'the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin' (Romans 14.23). Therefore, any Christians attending a speed dating event should do so in faith, confident that their behaviour is consistent with God's will, but should refrain if the voice of conscience makes any protest.

Be wise

Third, Paul instructs his readers 'to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil' (Romans 16.19). Anyone intending to use speed dating should recognise that the organisers provide a welcoming environment and the opportunity to meet 15 like-minded people, but the process of vetting applicants is not easy. Therefore no assumptions can be made about the other people in attendance at an event that targets Christians. Asking discerning questions, only offering an email address to the organisers and meeting new contacts with existing friends should guard against potential abuses of the system.

There are dangers to be aware of (remember that not everyone who calls themselves a Christian is a Christian!). But no doubt it's not impossible that a sovereign God can use this instrument to accomplish his good purposes?