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One's perspectiveBetty Vivian shares her experience of God's blessing in singlenessSingleness was a great Goliath that roared at me during the first 11 years of my Christian life. For some people it is not a problem, but for a considerable number it is a severe one. Many married couples carry colossal burdens which are frequently obvious. The trials of singleness are not often appreciated or understood as they are so inward and against nature. The story of my spiritual pathway as a single Christian woman, converted when 21, has a wonderful conclusion due entirely to Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour. I give Him all the glory. I was not born the single, celibate type, nor a career person. When growing up, and as a young woman, my one and only ambition in life was to be happily married with my own home and children. I loved housework, cooking and gardening, and had a high ideal for marriage knowing I would never be content with second best. I became a teacher. My heart was not in my job, and I did not really feel cut out for it, but had to earn my living. For me singleness was totally against my inclinations and interest. A happy marriage I regarded as the greatest blessing in life after conversion. I knew that a Christian should only marry another Christian, but no Mr. Right came along. In subsequent years, three times I lived with a young woman who got married. After the third wedding I resolved never to live with a single girlfriend again. Attending weddings and smiling at new babies was an ordeal. Living at home with my parents in the holidays was not easy. I listened continually to my mother talking about my nephews and nieces. I had no friends in the village and was surrounded with elderly relatives and friends of my parents. I was unhappy inwardly and desperately lonely, but clung to the Lord and my Bible. Many Scripture promises were very precious to me, one of them being: 'Call upon me in the day of trouble. I will deliver you and you will honour Me' (Psalm 50.15). The only relief I found was in Christian service. This helped me not to be self-pitying. Other aspects of singlenessIt was hard to view couples demonstrating their feelings in public, and also to be dropped like a hot potato when one's friends started courting. To carry such labels as 'an old maid' or 'on the shelf' or 'if you haven't had sex you've never lived', was very humiliating. Books on singleness irritated me as they invariably talked about what fulfilling lives single people could lead. Nobody had tried harder than me to be busy and active but I did not feel fulfilled and was lonely and frustrated. When one is basically unhappy no hobby is a pleasure and it is very difficult to relax at home. In a book about stress on the mission-field I noted that a large number of single missionaries found that their greatest trial was singleness. Church lifeMuch of my 20s was spent in a small church which I loved. Spiritually, in general, I was very happy there and worked enthusiastically. The congregation was very well taught and cared for. The married couples were kind and hospitable. However, church life was hard as a single woman. The minister and elders were happily married men, and they and their wives had little understanding of the trials and viewpoint of single people. Consequently they frequently, unwittingly provoked them and then went on to misunderstand and misjudge them. They expected single people to accept their preaching, counsel, decisions and correction, but were not always prepared to listen likewise to single people. 'You're not married, you don't understand' tended to be the attitude. Some of the sins which specifically apply to married people were not targeted from the pulpit, because the minister and elders did not see them in themselves. This is also true in other places of worship. In the majority of churches, single people are poorly represented among the leadership, although they frequently make up a considerable proportion of the congregation. It seems to be forgotten that Jesus, Paul, John the Baptist, Jeremiah and Elijah were all single. The married couples often talked about their trials and problems. They seemed to think that single people had none. I felt that couples had chosen to be married and have children, whereas very few single people choose to be single. The Bible clearly speaks about 'The gift of singleness' (1 Corinthians 7.7), but it is often a gift that is not welcomed nor wanted by most young Christians. I note too that very few Christian couples covet 'The gift of singleness' for their own children. Many of my trials as a single woman in the church I have written about more fully in my booklet. Time and time again I was hurt by married people. Celibacy was a great struggle. It was hard to be preached at by a happily married man - 'You must be content, you mustn't grumble', and 'Sex is only for married people'. Facing Scripture was another conflict. 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him' (Genesis 2.18). God Himself said that and yet I was alone year in year out. The Bible institutes, upholds and protects marriage. When one is happily married it is therefore easy to defend and promote the Bible. It is not so easy to do this when the God of the Bible orders circumstances that are the opposite and a prison in which you would rather not be. I found it exceedingly hard to accept the fact that so many Christians could do God's will and be happily married, with their own home and children. For me it was always either ù or. Inner battles The turning of the tideAfter being a Christian for four and a half years I had a nervous breakdown brought on largely through overwork. I made many mistakes at this time and wept in repentance afterwards. I know it was primarily a spiritual breakdown. It humbled me to the dust, but made me stop and listen to God. I began to look at my blessings. I also began to look at marriages and saw the flaws and disadvantages in many of them. I tried to view myself as God saw me. Jesus had been single, so had Paul and John the Baptist so why shouldn't I be? I grew to love God for himself. The crisis pointGod eventually brought me to the point where I felt if I had to choose between marriage and God, I would choose God. After telling a friend about this I was flooded with happiness and peace. Joy, delight, exultation poured over me in waves. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I was radiant, transformed, and felt like the ugly duckling who had become a swan. For the first time in my life I was totally happy. The Bible, which I thought I knew well, now lit up and became a new book to me. I read it by the hour. Day after day the love of God flooded into my soul. Often I woke in the night and was so happy I could hardly stand it. I had never been so alive in my whole life, and felt pretty, attractive, loved, wanted and confident. Loneliness and the longing for companionship totally vanished. I became a complete whole person and was absolutely transformed. All my old wounds were healed. This unbroken joy, day and night, lasted for three and a half years. It was heaven on earth. I have no regrets about being single and having no children. I love living on my own. Since the age of 32 I have been inwardly happy, contented and at rest and have not known five minutes of feeling lonely. (I am now 67). I go everywhere on my own, but always feel complete and never alone. My happiness lies not in circumstances, but in being in the centre of God's will. I owe everything to Jesus. I greatly look forward to heaven, having had such a foretaste of it on earth. The fuller version of this story is in the booklet 'Singleness and God's Deliverance - My Personal Experience' by Betty Vivian. It is A6 size, 52 pages and available FREE of charge while stocks last from: PO Box 1190, Southampton SO19 7XN. © Evangelicals Now - March 2003 |