Month column for youth leaders:

My dear nephew, Worm,

It is with interest I note that your patient has become a youth leader in the church. Although it will not be overlooked that your patient is becoming more involved, there are advantages. This role brings the opportunity to influence young minds, readily open to new ideas. I hope that you will rise to the challenge.

May I first suggest that you appeal to your patient's pride? Fill his mind with the idea that he is special because he has been given this job. Allow him to look down on the other members of the church as inferior. The Enemy foolishly tries to engender humility in our patients, but pride is so much easier to feed. As your patient begins to think like this it will begin to cause rifts between him and the other leaders. So much the better, it will make their job with the young people very difficult.

On the subject of teaching, you must remind your patient of how dull it can be. The young people don't really want to sit there listening when they could be playing games or listening to music. Do try to sway his mind towards popularity. Humans are particularly weak when it comes to their standing among one another. Fools. Make him think that the young people will like him more if he is popular and that he can gain popularity by giving them what they want. Of course, he will also save himself time if he does not have to teach so much. Let him remember how busy life is with his job and young family.

All is not lost, however, if your patient does resort to trying to improve those in his 'care'. But you must at all costs try to steer him away from that infernal tome, the Bible. I hate to admit it but the Enemy has a potent weapon in that book. You should be grateful to the many centuries of work done by our colleagues in undermining its authenticity and value. Remind your patient of this if he looks at it on the shelf. Let him remember that it is difficult to understand, that it seems so self-contradictory. Jog his memory with some of those difficult questions that young people are prone to ask. Convincing him to pick something other than the Bible to teach them is your paramount task.

There are all sorts of things to choose from: poems, songs, lyrics, 'ready-made' lessons, and books of discussion starters, to name but a few. Care will be needed when handling these items, but don't let your patient refer back to that Book. Convince him that any short cut is a good thing. Let him think he can judge for himself what it is good to teach. Many other patients have taught young people for years without really doing any damage, because they are convinced that they know the answers and can teach rationally without referring to a Bible. Fill your patient's mind with catch-phrases, morality stories and home-spun theology. Believe me when I say that the Enemy's book can be a powerful weapon for us too, while it remains closed on the shelf.

By now you should have an idea of how to work with your patient. But I have saved the best until last. There is one enormous benefit that his new position affords us. A trump card that could bring him back to our side while causing maximum damage. Handled carefully you could also wreck his marriage, maybe the whole church. There is a girl in his youth group. She is attractive, attentive and she has a soft spot for your patient. Use your patient's self-esteem so that he sees the way she looks at him. Prompt him to remember how distant his wife can seem now that the new baby has arrived. You can work with your colleague, Moriata, whose patient she is.

Make sure that the girl is the last to leave the youth group. Manipulate them so that they spend time together. Perhaps she has problems to talk about. Be careful at first, your patient must think that he is counselling her. But feed his mind gradually, so that he thinks of her more and more. He will begin to look forward to seeing her each week. He will arrange the lifts so that he drops her off last. By then your job is done, just wait for the explosion and enjoy the aftermath.

I am looking forward to watching your patient's new role unfold.

I am, as ever, your affectionate uncle, Screw.

Roger Fawcett

© Evangelicals Now - February 2003
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