Getting closer - Why you can't afford not to have an intimate marriage

We live now in a fast-moving mobile world. But knowing people deeply is not something that can be manufactured instantly, nor can such intimacy flourish if people are always on the move and unable to spend time with each other.

Because we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1.27), who exists as Father, Son and Holy Spirit in the Oneness of the Trinity, we are made to know others, and to find joy through relationships with other human beings. Marriage is the most fundamental such relationship (Genesis 2.18, 24).

WHAT? Some biblical models of intimacy

What is intimacy? These days, the word intimacy seems to instantly conjure up the idea of sexual activity. But sex is in fact only one possible aspect (and not always an essential one) of true intimacy. The Bible gives a number of pictures to help us understand the nature of true intimacy.

Nakedness: 'The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame' (Genesis 2.25). This reference to Adam and Eve is pre-Fall, but still points to the ideal of openness within marriage. Intimacy is about uncovering our true selves to the other person. It is about coming out of our shells and removing our masks.

Sexual intercourse: In the original language of the OT, the word 'know' is used of sexual intercourse (Genesis 4.1, 17, 25, etc.). But it is also used of simply understanding or recognising something or someone (Genesis 8.11, 18.19), etc. By this dual usage the Bible indicates that sexual intercourse is both an expression of intimacy (we know our marriage partner) and a picture of intimacy. This 'knowing' involves penetration and reception. Intimacy is entering into the inner world of another person and allowing another person to enter your inner world. It allows a mutual knowing of thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears and dreams, etc.

Face to face: Numbers 12.8, 3 John verse 13. We live in the days of email and text messaging. But it is one thing to send a communication from a distance to one another, it is something else to be in each other's presence and able to perceive every smile, or frown, or perplexity on each other's faces.

Intimacy then is about uncovered personalities, knowing one another directly in a loving relationship. And from the biblical pictures we can infer that there are different levels of communication and intimacy. We will reveal less of ourselves to an unknown stranger than to our lifelong friend whom we know we can trust. Different levels of intimacy are appropriate to different relationships in life. Marriage should involve the deepest human intimacy.

WHY? The importance of intimacy

Why bother with the perilous quest for closeness? After all, true intimacy involves making ourselves vulnerable to others. That can be very dangerous. We might get hurt. Isn't it better to hide in our shells?

The quality of any relationship depends on an appropriate intimacy. Within marriage, intimacy could not be more important.

Important in principle: Marriage was designed by God to be a visual aid pointing to the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5.31,32). This is why the marriage relationship between man and woman is given a priority and a dignity which cannot be extended to other forms of human relationship. What impression of Christ and the church do our marriages give? How do we display the closeness of Christ to his Bride and the desire of the Christians to be with Christ? Can we be content with a picture of Christ and the church that lacks depth of intimacy? There is a moral indignation in the universe where a couple grow apart (Proverbs 30.23).

Important in practice: Ecclesiastes 4.9-12. At present in our society there is a hurricane of immorality blowing and many marriages are being ripped up. The deeper the roots of a tree, the stronger it will be to stand up against the violence of the storms. Just so, the deeper our intimacy, the stronger will be our relationship. Intimacy brings strength to a marriage to withstand the many temptations and varied challenges of contemporary life. Not only is this a blessing to the marriage partners themselves, such closeness in the marriage can bless the whole family. Where the relationship between Mum and Dad is strong, children feel secure, and there follow positive consequences for society at large.

So from a practical point of view it is imperative to make the effort and to give the time required to develop a truly intimate marriage.

HOW? Doors into intimacy

What are the means through which marriage partners grow closer together? There is much that could be said here, but we will focus on just seven things. The first area is foundational to everything that follows.

Sacrifice and risk

Self-denial is the way of Christ (Mark 8.34,35) and applies in all areas of life including our relationships with others, especially marriage (Ephesians 5.22,25).

To let someone else into your life makes you vulnerable and you are risking being hurt. To forgive when you have been hurt takes sacrifice and strength. It means crucifying our 'right' to be angry. To be truly loving to another person so that they feel comfortable with opening up to you will often mean self-denial and self-control. To go out to a person and reveal what you feel for them runs the risk of making a fool of yourself (Luke 15.20). This can be painful. But the alternative is cold isolation and individualism.

Truth and dependability

If we are not truthful with that other person they cannot know us. Truthfulness is more than not lying. It is correctly signalling your own feelings, keeping promises and volunteering your significant observations. It includes acting in ways which will build up trust (Ephesians 4.15a). Routines of everyday kindness to each other can have a valuable place here. She can depend on him to bring her a cup of tea in the morning. He can rely on her to keep the car filled with petrol. They are little things which can build up a sense of security and so share deeper things with each other. Of course, the great enemy to be avoided here is taking one another's kindnesses for granted.

Work and service

The idea of fellowship (shared life) in Scripture is connected with sharing together in a common task (Luke 5.10). It is true that when we work together at something we build up a 'team spirit.' The great work of Christians is to share together in various ways in the work of the gospel (Philippians 1.5).

Aquila and Priscilla worked together for the Lord (Acts 18.2,18,19,26; Romans 16.3; 1 Corinthians 16.19; 2 Timothy 4.19). An ingrown intimacy in a marriage can be unhealthy for it does not reflect the love within the Trinity which overflows to others. Husband and wife need to serve the Lord in some way together.

Appreciation and arousal

People need to know that they are not taken for granted. The Song of Songs encourages a married couple to appreciate and enjoy one another using all five senses (7.9; 1.3; 8.3; 8.13; 4.9). Approaching sexual intimacy especially calls for putting yourself in the other person's shoes, to understand their mood and needs. Going back to the OT use of the word 'know', sexual union should be an outward expression of an inner intimacy.

Triumphs and troubles

Sharing in one another's successes can bring a couple closer together. But sometimes one partner can become jealous of the other's success. Or trouble for a family can cause division because the couple have not been able to understand each other's sorrows. But this need not be the case. Shared properly and sensitively, bad times and good times can make for deeper relationships (Romans 12.15). Sometimes a visit to the bank of our shared memories is most helpful. 'We've been through so much together.' Bonds forged in the fires of trouble are not easily broken.

Loafing and laughing

The most precious commodity today is time. If you can waste time with someone, it shows you really love them. (See also Proverbs 17.22.)

Prayer and encouragement

There ought to be intimacy in spiritual things too. Praying, out loud, with another person is quite an intimate act. You are unburdening your heart in the presence of someone else. Courting couples who can't pray together are not ready for marriage (1 Peter 3.7). We ought also to encourage one another in the Lord.
These last seven things are both a measure of intimacy and a means of intimacy. They measure how much you know and enjoy each other. They are also the means - doors through which to enter - to pursue increased intimacy. This is to the glory of God who has revealed himself in the intimacy of the love between the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

In a world which seems ever more anti-marriage, and where immorality is rife, Christians are called to have marriages that sing and shine for Christ. By contrast marriage without closeness is a very dangerous option.

John and Ann Benton,
Chertsey Street Baptist Church, Guildford