Hidden child abuse in our society

Quite rightly, our society has many initiatives and laws aimed at irradicating child abuse.

However, I would like to suggest that there is one area of abuse which is being ignored because it would affect the freedom of adults in a way that would be unacceptable in our pleasure-seeking society. This abuse is that which children suffer when their parents' relationship breaks down.

CARE has published a report1 which compares cohabitation and marriage. The report says 'there is overwhelming evidence that the break-up of partnerships or marriages is damaging to children; the resulting instability means that children are more likely to suffer from poor performance in school and a lack of concentration, and are more anxious and attention-seeking when young. They are more likely to fall ill, to have behavioural problems, to fall prey to solvent, drug and alcohol abuse and to come before the criminal courts' (p.23).

Exposing the myth

Increasingly, research is exposing the myth that it is better for children that their arguing parents split up. On the contrary, despite witnessing rows, they are far better living with the two people they depend on.

Children in different sections of society have long been deprived for various reasons, such as poverty, lack of love and care, and restricted educational opportunities. But living within the security of their stable families helped them cope with many difficulties, without leaving them scarred for life.

It is well known that children of parents whose relationship didn't last, are more likely to have broken relationships themselves. The obvious reason for this is that we learn patterns of behaviour from the significant adults with whom we grow up.

Another reason is one which I have come across as I have counselled. It is a fear of rejection which these children carry with them into adulthood which prevents them from forming any good relationships, let alone a marriage one. They have low self-esteem and often blame themselves when their parents split up. They have felt the deep pain of rejection when their parent left and they naturally don't want to feel that again. So, for them, it is better not to get into relationships. This may be an unhappy state, but it is preferable to being rejected again. Children are very vulnerable and can suffer deep psychological consequences when their parents split up. Two points are worth making.

Firstly, this is not the same as when a parent dies. Though the loss is very pain-ful, except in the case of suicide, the parent didn't choose to die and there are not the resulting strained relationships afterwards.

Secondly, these detrimental effects are not evident in all children who live in broken families. There are parents who find themselves in an unsought position who are able by self-sacrifice and love to help their children through the trauma and are careful not to add to it by further avoidable trouble.

What is the answer?

Once again, God our creator knows what is best for us all. His ways are not just for believers, but for everyone.

God meant for us to grow up in families, right from the beginning (Genesis 1.27,28 & 2.23,24). He meant a man and a woman to be united in lifelong, heterosexual, monogamous marriage. Within that marriage children would be brought up, secure in the relationships around them. They would be free to develop into well-adjusted adults, ready to go out independently into the world when the time came.

Our children are being grossly failed by not being given this good start in life.

It is unhelpful for people to say that a stable, cohabiting relationship is equally as suitable, because statistics show that such relationships are rarely stable for long enough.

There are probably several reasons for this, such as lack of commitment both in time and faithfulness. The report quoted above cites research which shows that cohabiting couples are almost six times as likely to split up as those who are married. Even where there are children, half of cohabiting couples part within ten years, compared with just one in eight of married couples (p.19). Furthermore, 43% of cohabiting men, reported monogamy over the last five years, compared with 90% of married men (p.25).

Serial relationships

Serial relationships are becoming common. Not only do children have to cope with one break-up of the relationship of their parents, they increasingly have to cope with the uncertainties of their parents separately courting, falling in love and splitting up with subsequent boy and girl friends. There may also be half-siblings from the relationships who add to the complications of an already traumatised life. It makes me weep to see little children having to live with all these difficulties imposed on them by selfish adults. It is probably not politically correct to categorise them as such, but it is true that adults who do this are putting their desire for unlimited sexual freedom before the needs of their children.

Not surprisingly, the commitment God asks of us is vital to the maintenance of the stable family life needed by children. This will, of course, mean self-denial on the part of the man and woman as they work at their marriage and keep the relationship pure, but this is not a popular concept for hedonists.

Beneficial

Even though it is hard work sometimes, marriage is amazingly good for us, which we should expect, since God is not a spoil sport and does actually want the best for us. Much research showing this is quoted in the booklet mentioned above. This includes the fact that the smoking behaviour of cohabiting mothers resembles that of single mothers, rather than that of married mothers. This suggests that the former have more in common with single mothers than their married counterparts (p.29). But we must do it God's way. Those who cohabit before marriage don't fare as well as those who 'wait'.

I think it would be fair to say that the best thing parents can do for their children is to work at their marriage. It follows that the best thing Christian individuals and the church (as the teaching fellowship of believers) can do for children (and grown-ups) is to do anything and everything to uphold marriage as God intended. This is why Rob Parsons in Care for the Family concentrates so many resources on building up marriages. We can get involved with local schools and encourage them in teaching under the new government guidelines 'the nature and importance for marriage and family life' and not let them cop out by saying stable cohabiting relationships are as good (for reasons mentioned above) as I heard at a recent governor training session on sex education. We must speak out for the benefits of marriage and against the drawbacks of other chosen forms of family life.

Comparatively petty

Unfortunately, our society has become very petty in many ways. Issues such as whether parents should be allowed to chastise their children in whatever way they think fit and whether childminders are feeding the children in their care curry or not may be seen as minor compared with the major trauma which the 150,000 children in England and Wales under 16 in 1999 had suffered when their parents divorced (and this doesn't include children whose parents had cohabited and then split up).2

The scale of the problem is horrendous and we, as a society, will suffer with these children as they grow up, for years and years to come.

Revival and children

It all seems very depressing, and without Christ it is, for men and women can't change. So let us encourage one another to pray for revival. This is the only hope for our nation; that men and women will fall on their knees before the holy and loving God in repentance, receive forgiveness and start new lives, no longer slaves to selfish ways, but new creations able to live God's way.

This way the children who have been damaged will find a perfect relationship with the one who will not reject them or let them down. The one who gives them the security and significance they desire and need. We all will be able to work for healthy marriages for the good of the whole of society. Of course we will not do it perfectly, we will fail, but with God's help, we'll make a better job of it than is being made at the moment.

References
1.Philippa Taylor. For Better or For Worse. Care 1998.
2. National Statistics. Social Trends No.31, 2001 edition.