Evangelicals Now
<< January 2002 >>

Family and church: priorities for a new year?

Many Christians have a family and a job, as well as a commitment to a church. Getting our priorities straight, and fulfilling all our obligations in a way we feel comfortable with, is a perennial problem.

In those days after Christmas, standing on the brink of a new year, we may well contemplate the old question: 'How can I better balance my time in the next 12 months?'

Facing this issue (for the umpteenth time?) it is good to realise that even the apostle Paul recognised it. 'I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided... a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband' (1 Corinthians 7.32-35). Paul does not decry marriage. Everyone has their own gift from God (1 Corinthians 7.7). But he does see the problem. And he recognises that it is often the Lord's work which misses out.

I have no magic formula or instant solutions. Everyone has to find their own way in this. But here are some provocative thoughts that just might give you a new angle or two.

Family first?

Family first, job second, church third. I imagine that is the practical order in which most married Christians tend to approach life. I just wonder whether we go along with that accepted wisdom too easily.

Classically Paul's letters are structured in two halves, with doctrinal chapters followed by a section of application. It is interesting to me that in pursuing his application Paul adopts a very different order from the accepted wisdom. Romans 1ù11 spell out gospel doctrine, but as soon as he has called us to offer our bodies as living sacrifices in chapter 12, the first place he expects to see that worked out is by using our gifts in the church, verses 3-8. Chapters 1-3 of Ephesians are usually looked on as the doctrine, with chapters 4-6 as the application. Within the application the order seems to be church and personal life, followed by marriage and family, 5.22f, then workplace, 6.5f. This same pattern is pursued in the letter to Colosse. In the letter to Titus, again we find a similar order, church first, 1.5f, then personal and family, 2.2f, then work, 2.9f, then citizenship, 3.1f.

Could it be that God really does want us to put the church, the body of Christ, much further up our list of priorities? Certainly the Lord Jesus does warn us that it is possible to make an idol of our families. I'm sure he means it as a comparative 'hate', but he does say, 'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - he cannot be my disciple', Luke 14.26.

And devotion to Christ very often shows itself in devotion to his body, the church.

Church first?

But, of course, immediately I have said that, we can all think of horror stories of people neglecting their families forever at the church, or sitting through this deacons' committee or that parish council. These stories are true and there is a real danger. Marriages can even split as one partner comes to the conclusion, 'he/she loves that church more than he loves me!'

What is the answer? Firstly, after more years' observation of churches than I care to remember, I would say that this problem seems to be avoided in families which pursue their church involvement as a unit together. It's a matter of attitude. If church is 'her thing' while I do 'my thing', then tensions will certainly arise. But if together, husband and wife (and perhaps even children too as they grow) are involved in a work for the church, rather than bringing tension into the home it can actually be an avenue of sharing as husband, wife and children. If when one partner is out at some church function and the other is home with the kids, the one left behind can say to themselves, 'this is my part at this time in our service for the Lord', then a very different atmosphere reigns. It would seem that Aquila and Priscilla knew all about this tactic of togetherness (Romans 16.4,5; Acts 18.3,26; 1 Corinthians 16.19). Men or women who use the church as an 'escape' to go off on their own from the family and its responsibilities are a menace.

Secondly, there will inevitably be times when our families have to shoot to the top of our list of priorities. There may be illness among the children and they need extra attention. We may have fallen out temporarily with each other and need to repair the marriage. We must be flexible to meet the need of the moment. Light is shed on the place of the family in our priorities by Paul's list of qualifications regarding elders and deacons in the church. They should be those who manage their children and their household well (1 Timothy 3.5,12). Here family and church are not seen in tension, but a well-run family is a pre-requisite to office in the church. Obviously if things are wrong in the family, a person's ministry in the church is a sham, things need to be sorted out. But the principle again seems to set the priority. Rather than family taking first place and the church being a second-rate also-ran, family life needs to be looked after, but with an eye to the priority of the church.

Benefits?

I know that the local church is not quite the same as the kingdom of God, but it is nevertheless pretty much bound up with God's kingdom. We all know that Jesus said, 'Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well', Matthew 6.33. There are benefits in putting the kingdom first, and benefits in raising the local church up our list of priorities.

One of those benefits can be a positive spiritual effect on our children. If we run our homes so that every time there is a party to go to, or someone is slightly off-colour, or we're feeling tired so we miss out on church, then what message are we sending to our children? Surely, it is that though we talk a lot about God, we don't need to take him too seriously. But on the other hand, if, we give ourselves fully to the body of Christ, then our youngsters can see that this is no religious game we play. They can see that God and his work really does mean something to Mum and Dad. Seeing such devotion in a loving Mum and Dad may well lead to a child's conversion to Christ.

Again, there are many Christians who have no idea what their spiritual gift or gifts are. When the subject of spiritual gifts is raised, they look with genuine amazement. Now this can be due to many factors. But one of the factors in such ignorance is frequently to do with a lack of commitment to the local fellowship. After all as Scripture says, spiritual gifts are given for the building up of the body of Christ, the church. If we are hardly involved with the church, except for a service on Sunday morning, is it any wonder that God has not bothered to show us what our spiritual gifts are. Greater commitment to a fellowship can often lead to a revelation of a ministry that God wants us to pursue. This cannot but enrich our walk with Christ.

Could it be that as we face a new year the place of the local church should rise up our list of priorities? Could it be that, should you be facing big decisions in the next 12 months, you choose your work, choose the place you live, even choose your children's school and the way you order your family life, to benefit the local church? It is worth thinking about.

JEB
John Benton