Breaking free from pornography

Obviously sexual desire itself is not evil or wrong. It is natural and normal to be attracted to the opposite sex and to enjoy physical contact.

There are erotic feelings which every one of us experiences. The problem of pornography is that it makes sexual desires a form of entertainment for satisfying selfish interests.

It takes those feelings that were meant to be used in a loving relationship (marriage) and excites them so that the person wants sex just for the thrill it brings. The other sad side of pornography is that those who produce it do it from the motive of the money it brings.

In this article I want to say four things about pornography, especially for those for whom it has become an obsession. I hope that these might help them to make some decisions that will influence the rest of their lives for the better.

Hard to break

Firstly, the desire for pornography is a strong condition of the mind that is very hard to break out of.

No matter how many times you tell yourself you won't do a certain thing any more, it just seems to happen again and again. Whether it's visiting a shop where those magazines are available, or giving in and watching some programme on TV, or logging on to an unhelpful website, you just seem unable to fight it. For some people it is far worse and leads to the use of prostitutes.

Part of the difficulty in breaking free from pornography is the very despair a person feels when they've tried so often to stop, but end up doing the same thing again. Feeling so helpless can make the person think that their case must be hopeless, so why bother fighting it?

Progressively stronger

The second point to seriously consider is that the desire for pornography will get deeper and stronger!

Pornography can be exciting and one usually wants more. That is why people hide magazines away so that they can look at them over and over again when no one is around. It soon becomes a habit and, like most habits, it is not long before they want something with more kick in it.

What may have started by just looking at sexy pictures of naked bodies in magazines and movies, can grow until the person feels that he or she will only be satisfied if they take part in sexual activity. Before long, even that's not enough, and they start looking for new sexual experiences, even in ways which they know are perverted.

This process doesn't always happen overnight. Months and years may go by of only going 'so far'. But there is a real danger of, slowly but surely, wanting just a little more excitement.

Extremely harmful

The third point to take to heart is that pornography, while looking fairly innocent, is actually very, very harmful.

People involved in pornography often say that looking at nudity and sex in videos or on the internet is a private thing and not doing any harm to anyone. They will also argue that many prostitutes and models enjoy their work, earn a good living, and would be unemployed if not for the industry. Let us look, however, at some of the ways in which pornography causes both sorrow and destruction.

Firstly, pornography treats people purely as sexual objects for the use of others. Those addicted to it begin to judge others only by their physical appearance and performance. That is a very selfish attitude and ignores those qualities that really matter for relationships and life. Things such as gentleness, kindness and trust are overlooked.

In the case of married men, pornography is bound to intrude upon the relationship. It won't be long before the husband finds sex with his wife far less exciting than the sexual fantasies of videos, or time spent on the internet. In most cases he will keep his pursuits a secret from his wife, which is a betrayal of her trust. It can also lead to his wanting to do things in the act of marriage that she is not comfortable with. The marriage will suffer greatly.

Some say that if a husband and wife watched pornography together it would make their sex more exciting. This might seem to work for a while but soon they will get the feeling that they are simply using each other and acting out a role. There is also a danger that such exposure may make them start seeking sex outside the marriage or by swapping partners with other married couples. There is not much chance of such marriages surviving.

Singles

Pornography is harmful for single people as well. It either hardens their conscience so much that they move on to acts that get progressively worse, or leaves deep guilt feelings and a sense of shame. In both cases, they are likely to take these symptoms into any future relationships and marriage and it will have a very negative impact. Their involvement with pornography might also lead to marrying more from a craving for sex than from the motive of love.

It may be the trigger for acts of rape and other violence on both women and children. Pornography is not innocent and harmless.

A battle that can be won

Lastly, although the battle is a difficult one, it is possible to win the fight against the grip that pornography can have on a person's life.

The suggestions I put forward here might seem quite basic, but they can help anyone who wants to break free from the habit of giving in to the temptation of pornography.

Decision

Firstly, the person needs to decide in their heart that they really do want to get out of the rut that their wrong desires have brought them into. A choice must be made between a clear conscience that lasts a lifetime or the few moments' excitement pornography gives now and again. Then there must be a willingness to take whatever steps are needed to make a difference in one's life. Some steps will be difficult, but necessary, if the grip of pornography is to be broken.

It is vital, also, to realise that the battle will be in the mind and not a battle with one's body. It is the way that a person thinks about sex that needs to change, not the feelings they get in their bodies.

So, the first step is to start avoiding those little things that stir up the thoughts that grow into such strong cravings for sex. This means, for example, that the person must not even go into any bookstore where they know there are the type of books and magazines that get their minds going. For some men, it may mean that they stop buying newspapers, if it is the erotic adverts for prostitution venues that is the spark, and not even to read the TV programme for the day's viewing. Where someone finds that it is almost impossible for them to turn off the TV when sexy movies are due to be shown, then they need to ask help from their partners, if they are married, or even to get rid of their TV if they live alone. Video shops should be avoided because they display their 'adult' movies quite openly.

The problem of the internet is a far bigger one. An excuse of 'working late' can be made and hours spent surfing the net for pornography of the strongest kind. This is where a very big decision and complete honesty will be needed.

Where the choice is made to really try and break the habit, the following can help. Where possible, the person should install any programmes designed to prevent porn sites from being accessed. They should try to only use the computer when there are people nearby. An item, or an appropriate Bible verse, could be placed on, or near to, the computer to remind them of their commitment to not allow any pornography onto their screen.

Questionable friendships

But it is not only the visual attractions that have to be dealt with. It may be necessary to break off certain friendships if they are with people who often bring pornography into the conversation and relationship. There may be places, such as health clubs or bookshops, where one is likely to meet these folk. These may also need to be given up so that the mind is not drawn into thinking about what could develop. What I am saying is that one needs to attack the habit at the source.

On the positive side, it would also be good to replace old bad habits with good new ones. New hobbies and interests, which do not cause temptation, could be started. It may be that some people became involved in chasing pornography partly because of the absence of the many innocent pleasures that exist.

Be open

I've left the hardest steps for last. If it is a married person who has been living a double life, then I suggest that he or she needs to take their partner into their confidence. I know this seems an impossible request, but the partner surely has a right to know what the person involved in pornography has been doing. It is also the only way that forgiveness can be given. It may also be that they will be able to give help when they realise what the problem has been.

Most difficult of all is the fact that, if the habit has led to cruel, harmful, and even illegal activity, then they will need to go to whoever was involved to seek forgiveness and be willing to face possible consequences.

The principles outlined above might seem out of place in a magazine intended for evangelical Christians. The letters of the New Testament, however, are full of earnest calls by the apostles to believers to turn away from the sexual sins of their generation. The sad reality is that there are people seeking to be followers of Christ in this generation whose lives have become trapped in the satanic snare of pornography.

Our advantage

The good news is that believers have an advantage in the struggle. They can seek the confidence of someone whose walk with the Lord they respect so as to confess the sinful pattern that has developed in their life. They can pray with them for God's forgiveness and for grace and strength to overcome. They could go on to build a relationship where the stronger believer takes an ongoing interest in their life and asks them regularly how the battle is going.

The words of the Lord Jesus Christ, where he said that we cannot serve two masters, are particularly true in this case. A believer who secretly nurtures a desire for pornography will find that zeal for Christ and reading the Bible, as well as interest in preaching and fellowshipping with the Lord's people, will weaken. It is by destroying all items associated with the interest in pornography and by returning to the means of grace that their first love will be rekindled. Ephesians 5.1-21 should prove useful for the one who has fallen prey to unholy involvement, while Galatians 6.1 would seem appropriate for those who seek to help.

Chris Nel,
Cape Town, South Africa

© Evangelicals Now - January 2002
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