Step by Step - On being a step-parent

I sat in a meeting of 12 men as we discussed together what the Bible
had to teach us about being Christian husbands and fathers.

As we discussed, I realised that out of the 12 only two would belong to a so-called 'normal' family.

The rest of us were either remarried through divorce or the death of a previous spouse or had married previously single parents. This inevitably meant for the vast majority that their home life contained many hurts and wounds, either the grief of bereavement or marriage break-up or the hurts of children living with separated parents. The glorious counterpoint to this, however, was that we were also seeing God at work changing lives, reaching into broken-down relationships or grief-laden lives and bringing healing and restoration.

A number of the men had become Christians subsequent to marriage break-ups and now were seeking to understand the implications of the gospel for their family life.

Again, the vast majority had not come from Christian homes and so had had no role models to learn from or reflect upon.

Role models?

As I thought about the meeting afterwards, I was particularly struck by how little I had heard or read about a biblical perspective on step-parenting. Where were the role models, who was dealing with the unique dilemmas step-parenting threw up for Christians? I also wondered what the Bible had to say on the subject, I could not bring to mind any obvious passages that were relevant. It then occurred to me that nothing could be further from the truth! It would not be too much of an exaggeration to say that the central theme of the whole Bible is that of step-parenting. God has sent his only Son into the world so that through faith in him we might be adopted into God's family:
'Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.' John 1.12-13.

God the Father has one natural Son but many, many stepchildren, children born not of natural descent but adopted.

The key to understanding a biblical approach to step-parenting is the gospel.

Difficult and rewarding

I confess that I have found being a step-parent both extremely rewarding and extremely difficult at times. In a number of ways those difficulties are increased by being a Christian. As a Christian husband and father I have a responsibility before God for the spiritual well-being of my family, I cannot opt out and leave it all to my wife. However in the initial stages of a step-parenting relationship you need to earn your stepchild's love and trust. If my wife uttered a strong rebuke to our daughter, no damage was done to their relationship because there was such a reservoir of trust and assurance of love. If I uttered a milder rebuke it could be far more devastating.

Degree of assurance

This is different to a Christian family where all the children share the same parents. In a stepfamily, the principle for me was that the responsibility was proportional to the degree of assurance and security my stepdaughter felt with me.

The writer to the Hebrews writes: 'Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined ...then you are illegitimate children and not true sons ... God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness' (Hebrews 12.7-10).

Why does he have to remind us that God disciplines us because he loves us? Simply because we are so easily tempted to interpret his discipline as a sign of his condemnation and not his love. The writer says that in fact the opposite is the case, if he did not discipline us it would be a sign of his indifference to us. Now if we are tempted to view the all-loving God in that way, how much more may a young child view her very imperfect stepfather? We cannot overstate the importance of building up trust and security.

Secondly, those verses also tell us that discipline is the true mark of a loving father. The two temptations which we must strive to avoid are a cowardly cop out in which we leave it all to the child's natural parent or exercise discipline without tempering it with love that we might have for our own child.

I think this can only be done by the power of the gospel. If we claim that we struggle with neither of these temptations, we are not being honest with ourselves and the reality of our own sinfulness. It is only by constantly drinking of God's grace to me that I have access to the grace I need to constantly show to my children.

Thirdly, the goal of discipline is holiness. I am not simply to seek well-behaved or morally upright children but children growing in godliness and Christ-likeness. Again this is not something I can opt out of and leave to my wife.

First claim

Christian step-parenting is also difficult for another reason. I have to be constantly aware that no matter how much I love my stepdaughter and how much I give to her, I am not her natural dad and never will be. There is always another who rightly has first claim on her heart as her 'Dad'. There are times, if I am feeling insecure, that I can get angry or feel hurt about this, even whilst rationally understanding and accepting it. What to do then?

Again, I think honesty is the place to begin. As a sinner these are the realities of my heart, I should not be surprised by them but neither should I seek to excuse or justify them, even less to act on them.

I must not try and abuse her emotionally by playing games with her heart to try and win more affection from her than her natural father. Circumstances differ so widely in this regarding the relationships between the various parties but whatever they are the one constant is seeking the best for the child, which is never served by games of rivalry.

My stepdaughter misses her dad very much but does not like to talk to me about it because she worries about upsetting me. From my own experience again, I can only say that the more I am rooted in the gospel, the more secure I am to try and encourage her to speak of her love for her dad, to cry with us when she misses him and that that is not a rejection of me but something totally understandable and natural. I freely confess that I do not have the resources to act in that way without the awareness of the love of my Father.

There also needs to be a recognition that as a child it is not so easy for her to rationalise her feelings or even to understand them. The step-parent has to make allowances for expressions of resentment or an unwillingness to be open. They may be taken personally when that is not necessarily the case, but a hurt and confused child struggling with deep emotions.

We too can find ourselves wallowing in self-pity, not particularly admirable feelings of resentment or of being unappreciated. It is only when I then reflect on the constant love and grace that God shows to me though I am wayward and fickle, so often ungrateful and too often forgetful of that, that I find in him the grace to overcome my own struggles.

Comparisons?

How about comparisons between my relationship with my stepdaughter and my natural son? I have heard many people say they love them both the same, there is no distinction whatsoever. I have to confess that, for me, again this is something I have to work at and to my shame have not always got right.

For a child, the pain of not having one or other of his/her parents living with him/her can all too easily lead to a sense of rejection and of low self esteem and so can be extremely sensitive to any hint of favouritism. When our son was born, I had anticipated that our daughter might resent my wife's attention to a new baby but to my surprise, I discovered that she was far more jealous of my time with him. On reflection, this made perfect sense because it was my love she was unsure of and needed more reassurance of than her mother's.

The bond of love between a parent and child is normally so strong and deeply held that a step-parent could never quickly develop such a bond and in many cases may never do to exactly the same degree. However, with patience, time and a persistent drinking of God's grace those bonds can and do develop. When they do they make everything seem more than worthwhile.

There is a card in our kitchen that says: 'To Daddy, Just a note to say thank you for everything ... but mostly for being my Dad. I love you up to the moon and back ten million times, lots of love and kisses and hugs...'.

There is something extra special about receiving such expressions of love that have grown through tears as well as smiles.

Mark Pickles is the vicar of St. Alkmund's Anglican church in Duffield, Derbyshire.