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A Return To ModestyA RETURN TO MODESTY I knew she was chronically sick, of course, but I first became aware of the death of modesty a few years ago when, in the hairdressers, I unwittingly flicked through an issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. What I read there made my hair stand on end, giving the hairdresser a substantial challenge. Subsequent evidence confirmed it: modesty is dead and buried, done to death through the determined coalition of the sexual revolution and the feminist movement. Defined as 'that exercise of self-restraint due to a sense of what is fitting or seemly', modesty has application in more than one area of human relations. Just because you have brains, beauty, experiences, accomplishments or accoutrements, you don't have to take opportunity to show them. This unwillingness on your part is not because you doubt the value of what you have (or, in counselling jargon, because you have 'low self-esteem') but because the reverse is true. Modesty is paradoxically usually a reflection of self-worth, of having a secure knowledge of the value of what you have, so that you don't need, for example, to boast, or put your body on display for all to see. In A return to modesty: discovering the lost virtue by Wendy Shalit, the author, a young American Jewish woman, explores the fallout from the loss of modesty. She writes especially in terms of what bad news it is for women and girls. Her proposition is that the death of modesty has made the world a more dangerous place for women and argues that modesty, contrary to its bad press, is both natural and good. In the early years of the century, it was written of America that 'a young woman can set out on a long journey alone and without fear'. Precisely because she was a woman and vulnerable, she would be protected not harmed. Her modest attire and demeanour stated that she was weaker and therefore violable and it was the duty of every man of honour to protect her. Only a coward or a complete scoundrel would take advantage of her undisputed weakness. A century later, girls are encouraged to be shameless hussies with 'girl power', and women's rights groups are screaming for legislation on date rape. A young woman cannot set out alone on even a short journey after dark in most of our towns and cities without fear. What's your problem?Shalit cites personal experience of the hard time she was given when her parents withdrew her from sex education at school. Sex education has gone way beyond birds and bees into 'how to not be a frump and join the party without getting any unpleasant diseases or becoming a burden on the taxpayer'. Modesty is frankly discouraged here. It's a negative. Away with embarrassment, let's talk clearly and give things their proper names. Embarrassment is indication of a hang-up and everyone knows hang-ups are bad. Join the party! Anyone who thinks that this particular party might not be worth joining - on moral rather than pragmatic grounds - is now the one with the case to prove. Now, apparently, the modest boy or girl is the one with 'the problem' (as in: 'What's your problem?'). They must chill out and lighten up. Sex is just another source of pleasure. Have it when you will. On a date certainly, if you want to. So a teenage girl truly believes that she must go all the way because that is what you do. Unless of course you've got a hang-up, which you would rather die than admit. Night-clubbingBBC's Panorama earlier this year investigated the sexual experiences of young teenagers, filming at a night-club. The girls interviewed all regretted the loss of their virginity, but were resigned to it as if it were inevitable. Bewildered parents were seen to be innately unhappy about the sexual habits of their children, but were unable to find any grounds to forbid a pleasure. Let no one be deprived of any fun: 'You're only young once.' 'I want them to have a good time.' But even the good time is in doubt. The aforementioned Cosmopolitan magazine itself has its moments of wavering. Amid all the blatant, no-holds barred, 'aren't we having a ball' articles on how to improve your sex life, you will find a recurrent thread, the hint of a whinge, along the lines of 'how to get your man to commit himself' kind of features. Read between the lines and, as sure as Elizabeth got Darcy, you find that what every woman really wants is not men, but 'the man'. From Bridget Jones to Ally McBeal, it's the same story. All this 'playing the field' business is a miserable charade forced on you by your parents' liberal generation. You have to pretend you're enjoying it and keep on determinedly advancing up the career ladder, when you'd swap the whole lot for a man in a fuzzy sweater who'd drop his suitcase and run to enfold you in his arms and allow you the noble aspirations of wifehood and motherhood. Politically incorrectAh! But that's the big 'no no'! The thing you can't say. Girls are encouraged to aspire to anything but that. The laws of political correctness deny a girl those kind of ambitions. Not that I have anything against women being rocket scientists or spot welders, or against working mothers (although I never met one who didn't), but the climate of opinion has swung so far round that bearing a child, surely one of the most significant things a woman can do on this earth, is 'taking a career break'. Easy to see what takes precedence there. Another celebrant at the death of modesty is the so-called 'entertainment' industry, who are pressing the government to legalise hardcore pornography. They do so in the name of freedom. They deny that any harm is done. Sex is just another form of pleasure they say. Take it any way you wish. Roger Scruton, commenting on this in The Times (04/08/99), wrote: 'No one seems able or willing to explain what is at stake in the attempt to keep back the tide of explicit images. Diseases of the imagination are no longer seen as diseases; the more we talk about sex, the less we seem to know what it is and why it matters.' LosersThe value and importance of sex is totally undermined by pornography, which detaches the sexual act from its personal intentionality. It literally de-moralises sex and opens the way for paedophilia, abuse, rape and the destruction of trust between the sexes. As Scruton says, the result is a culture in which sexual licence and sexual litigiousness flourish side-by-side. On the other hand, where there is a high value on sex, modesty, hesitation and commitment are encouraged and surround the sexual act with a proper veil of mystery and prohibition. Both childhood and adulthood are losers at the demise of modesty. Children have lost their innocence and adults have lost one of the pleasures God designed for maturity. Who can enjoy being a girl any more, unless she is fortunate enough to have parents who are not afraid to be directive? A cursory glance at the agony aunt pages in those ghastly teenage girl magazines will reveal that many girls are pining for some interference from their ill-advised parents. It won't happen. Or only in the form of more knowledge, more information, more sex education, more legislation. And with the same blow, we have deprived our boys of the opportunity to develop an important aspect of manliness. For surely the masculine counterpart of feminine modesty is masculine honour. Our teenage boys should be overtly commended for exercising self-control in their relationships, in the face of pressure in the other direction which amounts to questioning their manhood if they fail on any occasion to extract from a woman more favours than she would gladly bestow. Naive optimismWendy Shalit closes with a naive optimism that modesty will make a comeback when people make the connection with the world we have lost. Look at the popularity of Jane Austen movies, she says. True, the romantic idea attracts, for many of the reasons covered in this article, but the setting for such social mores is as alien to our relationships in the 21st century as Star Wars. As Christians, we must engage in the fight against pornography at every level. As parents, we must explicitly protect innocence, commend sexual inexperience and give modesty the honoured memorial she deserves. As Anthony Trollope stated in his autobiography, one of the aims of his writing was to teach the men to be honest and the girls 'that modesty is a charm well worth preserving'. Trollope, thou shouldst be living at this hour! Esme Shirt© Evangelicals Now - November 1999 |