Do you believe this?

Unlike the question of Jesus to Martha (John 11.26), I was never asked: 'What do you believe?' until I reached my early 30s.

It may seem an extraordinary story, but I am not extraordinary. If this leads to others moving forward in their faith, then God be praised.

I was born in 1962 to good and sincere converts to Roman Catholicism. They did all the things that the Roman Catholic church asked of them. They baptised me within a few weeks of my birth, they brought me up within the discipline of regular weekly church attendance (spoiled on one memorable occasion by forgetting to put the clocks back!). I went to Roman Catholic primary schools while we lived in Worcestershire, and at home was taught stories of saints. I made my 'First Communion' in Harvington church - close to hidey-holes of recusant priests.

I remember going with one of my mother's old school-friends to the Anglican church in Hagley and returning to my parents asking them: 'Why can't we go there, it's all the same?'! I don't recall the answer given! We moved to Dorset as my father had got a school headship there and the encouragement continued. At 12, I sat the 'common entrance' examination so that at 13, I went to Downside School. This is one of the three major Roman Catholic public schools in the country, and is run by Benedictine monks.

No question

I was born and brought up so firmly in the Roman Catholic tradition that when, at 16, the question of ministry raised itself in my mind, there was no question of which church it would be in. After several meetings with various clergy (including the then Roman Catholic Bishop of Plymouth, Cyril Restieaux), I ended up going to St. John's Seminary to train as a priest. I was 18 years old when I began my training at the beginning of the 1980s. Not old enough to challenge any teaching, even if I had seen a reason to do so. I was taught Roman Catholic theology and doctrine there; we did a lot of academic study of Scripture; we mulled over deep dilemmas of moral theology; but no one ever challenged us about whether we believed this, only about our prayer life. In my experiences there, the person of Jesus Christ as presented to us in the Scriptures never really came alive. The 'solid rock' on which my Christianity was based therefore became 'know-ledge'; knowledge about the Roman Catholic church and its ways of doing things. Not a personal and living knowledge of the Lord Jesus. Not love, but duty.

I think this is a result of the way the Roman Catholic church acts. Tradition (men's rules) is given an equal footing with Scripture. The Eucharist is presented as the most important aspect of worship, and preaching the Word (and the Word itself) is therefore downgraded in the minds of worshippers and presenters (priests).

Struggling priest

I spent over seven years as a minister in the Roman Catholic church, struggling all the time and never able to understand why I was struggling. I was even the acting administrator for the cathedral in Plymouth for a short while. When I became a parish priest, I had long discussions with a parishioner who was having his own life struggles, and this enabled me to realise that I needed to move on; that in the long-term, even if I didn't understand why, I was better off leaving the Roman Catholic ministry. This led to the opportunity to ask myself what I believed. The answers were hard to find.

When I left the ministry, I applied for a place on a university course to study for a diploma in social work (which I gained). This course also helped me learn about myself and began a process of self-learning that is still continuing.

The atheist friend

Also, while on the course, I met another student whom I knew. He had been training for the priesthood too and was ordained a few years ahead of me. He had been a naval chaplain in Plymouth, where I was based, so I had previously met him several times socially and professionally. He too had left the Roman Catholic church, but had become an atheist somewhere in that process. Meeting him and talking to him at great length made me realise that whatever I was, it was not an atheist.

During this time, I became very depressed. The trauma of leaving the Roman Catholic church and the lack of preparation I had for life outside ministry took its toll. Combined with the self-analytical demands of the social work course, I could not take the pressure. On one occasion, I even drove down to a place called Devil's Point with suicide in mind.

Fraud and three Christians

Around this time, I met a man through the rugby club I played for. He seemed genuine and supportive (I later discovered other victims thought this too), but succeeded in getting me caught up in fraud and inevitably with the law. This was the path that God chose to lead me back to him. The solicitor who supported me (the duty solicitor; that is to say he was appointed by 'chance'!) was a Christian, and delighted in telling me at great length about his faith and his trips to the Holy Land. I had not really attended church since leaving the Roman Catholic faith and this encouraged me to start 'shopping around' churches in Plymouth. I could find no sense of belonging though, despite their sincerity.

The barrister picked for me turned out to be a Christian too, as did the naval doctor (psychiatrist) who did my 'pre-sentence report'. They all spoke about their faith and they all challenged me to search harder for what I believe. They also got me a conditional discharge, which was incredible and God's hand must have been there.

Social worker

At this time, I was on a work experience placement on my course, and I met a social worker with a 'fish' on the back of her car. I talked to her about this and it began a series of conversations about faith and belief that we still have today. I married her just over a year later!

I remember walking through the Devon countryside with her, talking about things the Roman Catholic church teaches, and happily deconstructing them. I had begun to realise that this was why I had struggled for so long in the Roman Catholic church. Transubstantiation, do I believe this? No! The need to confess sins through a priest, do I believe this? No! Papal primacy, do I believe this? No! And so on and on, in the areas of theology, moral teaching (contraception and compulsory clerical celibacy, for instance) and liturgy ('benediction' and 'mass', for instance) - the 'scales dropped from my eyes'.

The clear primacy of Scripture over man's ideas had been shown to me and it enabled me to finally understand and admit what I believe to be true. I became free to worship God, rather than having to follow men's rules.

Crying in church

For many months, all I could do when I went to church was to cry. De-pite that, I gained an amazing amount from the first few evangelical churches I attended. While getting to know my wife, Geraldine, I went to her church many times.

This was my first experience of evangelicalism. The clear biblical teaching stood out for me. I also found an evangelical Anglican church in Plymouth to attend when at home. The simple service and the emphasis on scriptural exegesis made me realise what I had been missing. The affirming experience of this approach was attending Geraldine's brother's church. He is an evangelical Anglican vicar and the service I went to was a holiday club service where I joined in a prayer of commitment that those coming to the Lord for the first time were encouraged to join in. That set the seal on a 'new rock' for my faith. It became based on me loving the Lord Jesus, not on my knowledge; on thankfulness for his having saved me, not the things I 'had' to do to be saved; on Jesus and God as revealed to me in the Scriptures, not man's rules to follow and enforce. I am glad to have become a 'Protestant', with the Bible for my support instead of a catechism.

I have now been very happily married for over three years (with a beautiful one year-old daughter, Anna) and have been working in the mental health field for the last three and a half years. I'm also a football referee which gives me opportunity to do a little mission work. I am seeking to rejoin ministry in an evangelical church. The first doors I have tried have not opened, but I believe God is calling me and I believe that the right door will open. If I am honest to the gospel message, the Lord will be with me. Do I believe this? I most certainly do, now!