How to succeed with a non-Christian husband?

This question vexes many Christian women. There are no sure-fire answers, but the story of Ethel and Ken White has some pointers and a happy ending. EN recently interviewed them . . .

EN: Could you tell us, Ethel, how you became a believer?

E: I was sent to Sunday school as a youngster, but never taken. When I got married and the children came along, I wanted them to go to Sunday school even though I was not a Christian. We tried a few churches but could not settle. My eldest child, my daughter, was quite a character as a youngster, so I was not surprised.
Eventually the next-door neighbour of my mother-in-law got to hear about this. She recommended the Sunday school at her local Baptist church. I started taking my daughter, and at first sat with her in 'Aunty Beryl's' class. Later, my son joined the Sunday school too. Gradually, I got involved in the church. Sometimes we went to a church service and the question: 'What is life all about?' played on my mind. Ken, my husband, would come along too. As we heard the message, I became convinced that Jesus was the Son of God and he had come to die for such as me. I wanted to get baptised and join the church. But Ken did not feel the same as I did. He was not 'anti'. It was alright for me but it was not for him. But he did not stand in my way, so I was baptised and joined the church in 1969 while my husband and children watched.

EN: You knew you were converted and Ken wasn't. How did that make you feel, Ethel?

E: It was a little bit odd. Previous to that, we had shared everything. Now there was an area of my life we didn't share. I would talk about what I had heard at church and Ken would listen, but he did not accept it for himself. I did not try to convert him. But the children eventually became Christians and were baptised in the mid-1970s. We all attended church, but Ken was not a Christian.

EN: Did this situation bring any tensions in the family?

E: I was married to a very intelligent man, but I felt he was a fool not to take Christ for himself. Sometimes it led me to exasperation. I knew that many people were praying for him and I prayed for him. But sometimes my exasperation got the better of me and I did not pray. The church was very understanding and did not pressurise me, but encouraged me to look after the family and take time to work things out. But I wanted to be at all the meetings especially the Thursday night prayer meetings, which I considered the most important meeting of the week.

K: Tension crept in where I felt church life began to take too much of our family time. Ethel started running a children's club on Tuesday evenings, I had to come in and get my own tea. She did her best to make sure that everything was ready. Then there was the Thursday prayer meeting and sometimes there were church business meetings too.
I was a lecturer and had to work a couple of evenings a week. There could be a lot of evenings together lost. I saw (I think wrongly, now) the church as a bit too demanding.

EN: Ken, how did you feel about your wife and children being Christians? Did you think they were mad?

K: No, I was joyous for them. I remember the delight of Ethel's baptism, but somehow it did not relate to me. It was OK for her but not for me. I went to the morning services but somehow felt that I would have been hypocritical to say I believed when I didn't. After one morning service, one brother challenged me: 'When will you commit yourself?' I told him I didn't want to be hypocritical. He went bright red with embarrassment! I think he had misunderstood me and thought I was accusing him of hypocrisy - which I wasn't!

EN: So, Ken, how did you become a Christian?

K: It took me a great deal of time. I realised that I liked the company of Christian people. I liked the people at the church. There were a couple of Christian men at my college and they were good, decent men. I had some real difficulties with evolution and the idea of the Trinity, but then there began to be one or two sermons which pierced my armour. 'Was I sitting on the fence?' I knew I was.
My daughter, grown up a bit by then, would sometimes tackle me directly. Ethel couldn't. Somehow I could take it from my brash daughter, but if Ethel had tried to get me in a corner and tried to nail me, I think I would have reacted badly. But what helped me most was a small 'starter' group run by the church, which laid things on the line. I came to take Jesus as mine.

EN: Ethel, when did you know that Ken had become a Christian?

E: I think I knew before he did! There was such a change in his manner and attitude. I went to my church home-group one night and as we shared what was going on in our lives, I said I had seen a definite change in Ken's life and burst into tears. I think everyone else burst into tears too! So Ken became a Christian and was baptised in 1990. That was 21 years after I was saved. It was a long haul.

EN: So what would your advice be to someone who is converted but their marriage partner isn't?

E: Patience. There are no easy answers. But all I would advise is the utmost patience. I would say you must pray and especially ask others to pray for you and your family.

K: Tolerance. Don't let your Christianity become an area of argument and aggravation.

EN: 1 Peter says: 'Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.' Your story seems to be a pertinent illustration of just that.

How to succeed with a non-Christian husband?

An interview with Ethel and Ken White