Dealing with divorce

Christian marriage does not end in divorce. Wrong. Sadly, for an increasing number of Christians today, it does. It has now become my own experience after over 30 years of marriage.

I married my husband ‘for better or worse’ and I would not have left him, however hard it was. One night I discovered he was having an affair and when I told him he had to decide if he was going to stay and work at our marriage or continue his affair he chose the latter and said he was going.

What do you do then? I remember I had to go to work the next morning, after about two hours’ sleep, and deal with members of the public all day. I rang a Christian friend and asked her to pray for me. I finished my late shift at work at 8.30 pm that night and thanked God for keeping my mind intact and helping me through an unforgettable day when the awful reality of my situation was beginning to dawn on me.

My husband began to look for somewhere to live. How do you behave towards your husband in this situation? I asked God to help me to know how to live.

The next weekend my husband told our grown-up children, one by one. As they reeled from shock and clung to one another for support, our conversations together became obsessed with the one subject to the point of suffocation. I was glad to be able to go to my part-time work where all was normal and no one knew.

After three very difficult months, my husband found somewhere to live and moved out.

Help

It is truly a horrible time to go through and you may be at that point in your life or know someone who is. What helped me at that time and in the months following? Can you help someone going through this ‘bereavement’ of a marriage?

It helped to tell people so that they could pray. After a while I sent a prayer request to our church prayer circle so that everyone would know officially and not just some. My family and I needed prayer desperately.

It helped when people asked how I was. Sometimes I was pretty close to tears and that just pushed me over, but I really appreciated people acknowledging that what was happening was a big thing. One older lady I told in the early days just said, with tears in her eyes: ‘I am so sorry, I don’t know what to say’. Neither did I, but it meant everything to me that she said something.

Friends and relatives in distant parts of the country phoned to see how I was. I had many kind, touching offers of hospitality. Lovely furniture came from unexpected sources and I marvelled at God’s kindness. A gift of money was given to me from my church which paid for the furniture to be moved. Flowers arrived from my uncle miles away. I was so touched by that thoughtfulness. A busy friend from church gave me two evenings helping to clear rooms in the house. Her moral support made all the difference in getting it done. Family came and helped decorate. Such practical help when I didn’t know where to start. People offered to lend me money. I needed money for a solicitor and had no money saved.

Christians wrote to my husband, pointing out that what he was doing was against God and that he needed to repent. It didn’t stop him, but I thank God for their faithfulness.

One family at church gave me an open invitation to go to them any Sunday for lunch if I had nowhere to go. A very kind offer which I have accepted on a number of occasions and which is always a real blessing.

One pastor advised me to keep a steady heart. At the time I didn’t quite understand it, but it came back to me a number of times and was a help.

It helped to ‘get away from it’. Having secular and Christian work to do was so helpful.

Hurt

What hurt most? For many there is that feeling of rejection in a marriage breakdown, particularly when adultery is involved, so the person going through this is usually feeling quite sensitive and there were some things that I found added to this hurt.

People knowing, but not saying anything. What did they think?

People making their judgments on the situation. You don’t want to have to tell everyone everything — you already feel exposed.

Christian marriages often break down because one person is moving away from God and going their own way. If the other is a Christian they can be part of the rejection because they represent Christianity to that backsliding partner. It really hurts when people think you haven’t tried or could have done more. ‘More’ could have been real compromise.

Writing Christmas cards just from me and getting them addressed to both of us. I was advised to send a letter out early but never got around to it so I had to write it in my cards.

It hurt when I got Christmas cards from Christians who I know knew but didn’t say anything in their cards. Just a brief acknowledgment and encouragement would have been appreciated.

I found it almost funny but surprising when I received cards addressed to us both on carefully pre-printed labels, with the ‘Mr. &’ crossed out, or deleted but still with the space showing!

I struggled with the lack of helpful advice I received. It wasn’t until I had actually initiated divorce proceedings some months later that anyone offered to go through the Scriptures regarding divorce and pray with me. There are so many Christian books on the subject of divorce that it was all really confusing.

Please acknowledge the pain, pray for those going through separation and divorce and ask God to help you to help them sensitively. There is always something you can do.

If you would like to contact the writer of this article for help, send an email or letter to EN and we will forward it.

The hurts and the helps

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Hurt

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