The pastor of a young church shares his experience of making a tough choice.
Four years ago, a young and inexperienced church planter had a difficult decision.
A young man and woman in the church fellowship had begun a relationship. Both had become new members of the church within the previous six months, and both were actively involved. The man was legally married, but about to be divorced. The papers would be through within a few months. What to do? Should the pastor let it go, given that the man was as good as divorced and they clearly loved each other, got on well, and were good for the church? Or should he talk with them because the man was still married?
After taking advice from wiser and clearer-thinking friends, the pastor spoke to the young man. It was all very friendly. He even said, ‘You wouldn’t be my pastor if you didn’t tell me this’. But the relationship continued. So the pastor spoke with them both together.
They then left the church, saying they were sorry to do so, but believed they were right, and would always be thankful to God for the church bringing them together.
There was no more contact until this message arrived for the pastor through Facebook. (Names have been changed.)
Forgiveness — please read, don’t delete
Between you and Colin Williams
November 22 2009 at 16.41
Dear Ben,
The complete break down of our relationship for now over three years still saddens me. I know that we caused you considerable pain and grief by our actions and what I, in particular, wrote and said.
We were wrong and our failure to listen to you, as our pastor, was also wrong. We recognise that you were speaking wisdom and faith into our lives but we failed to see that.
We have taken this to God over the last few years, our behaviour, our actions, what we said and what we did. We have repented for our sins and received forgiveness and been blessed repeatedly.
That process of healing was not easy or comfortable and required a deep search of my innermost being. I have changed considerably since those days. I have had to confront a great deal of my past sins and the repercussions of them.
This has strengthened and deepened my understanding of our Lord and also his amazing grace and ability to forgive and, no matter what we do, he will bring great things out of the messes we create.
I know that you have cut off all contact with Sandy and I, and I understand that, given the pain and disappointment that was involved in our parting.
All I can ask for is your forgiveness. If you do not wish to make contact, again I will understand, although we both deeply regret the loss of contact with you as an individual and the church as a whole.
If you could acknowledge receipt, then that will save me resending and you having to delete multiple emails. I continue to pray for the church and your ministry.
God bless,
Colin
November 23 2009 at 09.23
My dearest brother Colin and sister Sandy,
Your email has brought tears to my eyes.
I am touched by your understanding of what I needed to do as a pastor. But am even more touched — indeed overjoyed — to see how God has worked in your lives to show you what he has.
The gospel exposes our sin, and calls us to repent; it challenges us, often uncomfortably; it also assures us of full forgiveness and a slate wiped clean with God, and therefore sets a model of how Christians are to treat each other when we are applying the gospel fully to our lives. As you have clearly experienced, this involves conviction of sin, clear repentance, and the knowledge of God’s overwhelming grace towards us. What else can I do but join in the party and celebrate that with you, with a big electronic hug in sending this — and I hope an equally real one when we next see you.
Please know that, even though things were hard, I trusted God was at work, and so bore only sadness to see us separate, but never any grudge.
The forgiveness has always been there. Let the reconciliation begin!
With love in Christ,
Ben
November 23 2009 at 14.49
Thank you Ben, you can only guess at how happy I am to hear you say that.
As I said before, God has been amazing to us, I wish I could be eloquent enough, in speech or writing, to even scratch at the surface of God’s grace and faithfulness.
I hope that we can meet soon. Maybe if we were to come to one of your services, with, as you will see, our family? But only if you are 100% happy for us to? Please speak your mind and feelings, I won’t get upset. :-)
Thank you again, for your words of encouragement and forgiveness.
God bless,
Colin
November 23 2009 at 16.02
Hi Colin,
You are both 100% welcome to visit us in church and I am 100% happy for you to come.
I might ask permission to write to those who are still in the church to let them know we’re OK? I know this will be an encouragement to them!
Do use my email as I’m more frequent on that.
Yours,
Ben
Apologies
Thinking through this correspondence made me reflect on sincerely expressing an apology to another person.
Here is a checklist for next time you hear someone — whether in the media or your church — say sorry.
There are many ways people say sorry these days, and different ways of seeking forgiveness. They all say sorry, but have different meanings. They include:
* I’m sorry if you are offended (the apology is made conditionally, and the problem seems to be that the other person is offended).
* I’m sorry that you are offended (the apology is there, but the problem still remains with the offended party).
* I’m sorry if I have offended you (a conditional apology, but now the problem is taken on to the offender).
* I’m sorry that I offended you (the offended party still seems to bear some of the blame).
* I’m sorry that I did something which offended you.
* I’m sorry that I did something which offended you. It was wrong.
* I’m sorry that I did something which offended you. It was wrong. I have sinned against the Lord and against you. Please forgive me.
* I’m sorry that I did something which offended you. It was wrong. I have sinned against the Lord and against you. You don’t have to forgive me and I deserve nothing from you. Please forgive me.
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