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 PrintableVersion A pastoral approach to bereavement and miscarriageOne of the most common things we heard from friends after suffering our miscarriage was this: ‘It’s really common, it happens to lots of people’. Our well-meaning comforters were of course right. Miscarriage is very common1. Research suggests that at least 20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage, roughly 200,000 pregnancies each year in the UK.2 Other friends offered these words: ‘not one day of that precious life was wasted’. Two very different assumptions lay behind these contrasting approaches. ‘It’s really common’ suggested that our loss was not something to get too concerned about. Our loss was small and our grief should be expressed in proportion to that. In contrast, the latter approach suggested that we had suffered the death of an unborn child. Miscarriage and death‘Please don’t call it a miscarriage: my baby is dead.’3 Before 24 weeks’ gestation, UK law gives no legal status to the foetus and there is no requirement to register a death if the pregnancy is lost before this point.4 This position stems from a gradualist approach to the beginning of life, arguing that ‘personhood begins a certain period of time after conception depending on the characteristics or functions of the embryo’.5 Historically, the Christian church has taken a fundamentally opposite view on the issue, asserting that human life begins at conception. The biblical justification for this position has been well stated.6 Furthermore, Christian doctrine has stated that humans have a special status before God, having been made in his image.7 Therefore, Professor John Wyatt has said: ‘Human beings do not need to earn the right to be treated as godlike beings. Our dignity is intrinsic, in the way we have been made’.8 Such views are rightly presented in the debates about abortion and stem cell research, yet are often lacking in Christians’ thinking about miscarriage. Indeed, Thomas Moe has suggested that ‘a tragic irony can be found that … in spite of all the concern that has come from the issues regarding induced abortion, little focus has moved to compassion for those who have experienced pregnancy loss’.9 This irony was made clear to us when, shortly after suffering our miscarriage, a friend commented: ‘God sometimes does a dummy run first’. In light of the biblical view of life described above, our unborn child was not a ‘dummy run’, but a baby created in God’s image who died before leaving the womb. Therefore, if parents’ pain after miscarriage is to be addressed biblically, then those involved in their pastoral care ‘must grasp the basic fact that they have, indeed, been bereaved, and therefore suffered loss’.10 Caring after miscarriageIt has been argued that miscarriage involves the death of an unborn child and therefore to some extent it is right to ‘treat a miscarriage … as you would any other death’.11 I suggest there are particular ways in which it might be appropriate to provide pastoral care for those who have been bereaved in this way. 1. GuiltOne of the most common feelings experienced by women who have suffered miscarriage is that of guilt. There is often a sense that they are responsible for what happened because of mistakes in diet, sexual activity or overwork.12 Furthermore, mothers may conclude that their pregnancy loss is a direct result of previous sin. Jennifer Saake tells a moving story of one such woman who said, ‘I know God is punishing me for the abortion I had as a teenager’.13 It is of utmost importance that we remind those suffering of the forgiveness they have in Christ, and that in their loss it is not them, but the Lord who has taken away.14 2. Anger, jealousy and bitternessWell-meaning platitudes, like those mentioned in the first section of this article, often create ‘a focus for the anger and resentment which people feel when a baby dies’.15 This anger can often be translated into bitterness and jealousy, especially when other mothers appear to go on producing more children with ease, or worse, when the children they bear are unwanted. Churches can do much to support those who are struggling in this area. As well as helping bereaved parents to release their anger in positive ways, such as by physical exercise or talking through their grief, churches can show special sensitivity.16 This may be by recognising the life of the unborn child in a simple prayer of thanksgiving, or by mentioning those who mourn on special occasions such as Mothers’ Day.17 3. Ministering to fathersIn the immediate aftermath of miscarriage, attention is rightly given to the mother as she recovers from her acute physical distress. However, fathers can often find themselves being ignored in relation to their loss. Coupled with the difficult experience of watching their wives suffer, this leaves many men hurting with little support.18 Ministering to bereaved fathers is therefore a crucial part of pastoral care following miscarriage. This will not only help husbands, but in turn will mean they are better placed to care for their wives. ConclusionOur response to pregnancy loss as Christians must be driven by a biblical understanding of life. Those who have lost a child through miscarriage therefore need to be cared for as those who have been bereaved. In addition to the issues of guilt, anger and the care of fathers addressed in this article, individuals and churches need to be open to other areas of concern that will inevitably be raised by grieving parents, such as what happens to unborn children after death. There is much for us all to learn as we go on responding to this common, yet very difficult, pastoral issue. Michael Prest, Footnotes1 Miscarriage is defined as ‘the loss of a pregnancy before 24 weeks’. See NHS, Miscarriage — overview, n.p. [cited November 7 2008]. Online: www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Miscarriage/Pages/ Introduction.aspx?url=Pages/what-is-it.aspx&r=1&rtitle =Miscarriage+-+Introduction BibliographyBerkley, James D. ‘Ministry after Miscarriage.’ No pages. Cited November 6 2008. Online: http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2007/spring/8.71.html. © Evangelicals Now - June 2010 |
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